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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My child’s father threatens suicide all the time

34 replies

WelshMumsie · 27/01/2024 21:23

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice, I live 35 miles away from my sons Father.
my son attends a school local to his father which means 3 times a week I do 140miles a day to take him to and from school. He also plays for a rugby team local to his dad, so I take him on a Sunday which is 70miles round trip.

I moved a year ago in with my long term partner and we are expecting a baby. My son is over the moon with being a big brother and we are all really excited!

Onto what I’m looking for help with,
Every time my son’s father does not get his own way, he threatens suicide. He done it many times when we were together and I would always take it seriously, now I’m just done with it. He’s asked to have his son after rugby to go out for a meal with his family, I agreed as it’s not his allocated day with our son, I advised that I can’t really afford to pick our son up that evening so he was welcome to stay up there or he could bring him home, this started a huge argument where he does as he always does and swears, shouts etc. The jist of what he said was “you shouldn’t have moved then and if you can’t afford it, maybe our son should move in with me”. Along with swearing etc.

I will hold my hand up and say, I did loose my temper back which I normally bite my tongue and told him if he feels that way, I’ll seek the advice of a family solicitor on custody and fight him to move our son to a school closer to me because I’m not having him treat and talk to me like that anymore. Then the threat came, I basically told him to do what he wants. I feel so bad about this now but I think it finally needed to be said. I’m sick of him using it that to control me.

This has been going on for years now and I cannot take it anymore. What would you do in my situation? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
PaulCostinRIP · 27/01/2024 21:25

He is manipulating you.

Let him get in with tipping himself. It's highly unlikely that he will and if he doesn't it's down to him and not your responsibility.

Trinity69 · 27/01/2024 21:28

My ex did this a lot when we first split up. As heartless as it sounds, I told him to go ahead. 6 years later, he’s alive and kicking and made no attempt to take his own life.

NewYearNewCalendar · 27/01/2024 21:29

You either totally ignore it, or you take it fully seriously and phone 999 and tell the police he is threatening to kill himself.

Original poster
WelshMumsie · 27/01/2024 21:34

Would you go down the family court route? Like I cannot deal with him doing this anymore and I dread to think what happens when the new baby arrives and my son wants to stay with me more! I’m at a loss.

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 27/01/2024 21:45

I’ve posted this a few times. My ex threatened to jump off a motorway bridge, I offered him a lift to it. He’s still around, thirty years later.

Honestly in your position I’d just roll my eyes at him and ignore his ridiculous threats.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 27/01/2024 21:49

This reply has been deleted

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Happyinarcon · 27/01/2024 21:55

If he’s suicidal he’s in no fit state to be looking after a kid. Start documenting his threats

Vivi0 · 27/01/2024 22:02

Every time he does this you need to call the emergency services and let them deal with it.

But there is zero chance I would be handing over my child into the care of someone who is regularly threatening suicide.

xyz111 · 27/01/2024 22:03

What does your DS think in all this?

FancyJapflack · 27/01/2024 22:05

Oh god my XH used to do this when I first left him. He’s ring me up at 3 in the morning - “I…I…just rang to say… sniff goodbye… I’m going to kill myself…”

I’m afraid I used to say “Cheerio then” and put the phone down.

Cue him ringing back “YOU HEARTLESS BITCH! YOU NEVER LOVED ME AT ALL DID YOU?!”

He never went through with it mores the pity.

Confused2124 · 27/01/2024 22:05

That’s actually a good point - if he’s threatening to take his life should he really be looking after your son?
Maybe keep it almost professional like and say “That’s really concerning, if your serious I will need to call the police”.

Original poster
WelshMumsie · 27/01/2024 22:09

xyz111 · 27/01/2024 22:03

What does your DS think in all this?

My son doesn’t care about the travelling. He’s 9 and loves living here. We have more money because I’m not paying all the bills myself, we are able to do more with him. The area we live in has virtually no crime whereas the area we moved from is a high crime area. It’s so much safer!

OP posts:
PeggySooo · 27/01/2024 22:09

Grey rock him. Google it. He is being abusive. You did the right thing by snapping back.
He won't do it and even if he did, it would never be your fault.
My ex did it to me and sent me a photo of his "attempt". I sent it on to his mum. He never tried it again.

Sherrycat · 27/01/2024 22:11

My ex said exactly the same. I had gone through so much abuse I told him to go ahead & do it then! You just get so fed up of their bullshit & snap. And like previous posters ex’s…..many yrs later he’s still here. I would definitely threaten him with the emergency services. He’d be mortified!

SummitOfMountWashmore · 27/01/2024 22:26

Does that mean your son has this year and next year at primary to go?

I'd definitely be looking at a local secondary school for him so he can make local friends. Can you stick it out that long do you think? All the travelling is likely to become more challenging with a newborn though

Greenpolkadot · 27/01/2024 22:30

If your ex really meant to kill himself he would have done it by now.
Tell him to get in with it.

MustDust · 27/01/2024 22:45

I'd be more concerned about whether he's saying it to your DS and emotionally blackmailing him, my own father did this to me, and the emotional blackmail he hit my DB with was awful.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2024 22:53

The advice you have been given is good - every time he threatens it, call the police ! and document it as that is not a safe situation for a child to be around.

Thebookdragon · 27/01/2024 22:55

I wouldn’t be letting him look after my child. I’d record him saying it and phone 999 and then say he needs to go to court for access as I’m fearful for his mental health

Furrt · 27/01/2024 22:57

He won’t do it so take no notice. It’s just emotional blackmail.

I wouldn’t be doing that amount of driving either.

LooksABitElvish · 27/01/2024 23:02

Can you insist all contact is in writing (text/email) so that any further threats to kill himself are in writing. You can then keep these to support you in future.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2024 23:06

Document his threats.
You need to go to family court to get a visitation agreement set up and the question of driving sorted. You won't be able to drive like that once the baby is born. You need documentation of the threats to prove he isn't stable enough to care for the child, either from the pov of his mental health or the pov of being able to coparent harmoniously with you.

When you hear a threat, make sure you call police for a wellbeing check as soon as possible afterwards. Report the threat as credible.

You can also call for an ambulance.

You did nothing wrong today. The more you stand up to this bullshit the more chance you have of teaching him you are not to be trifles with.

Go and talk to a solicitor.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2024 23:09

MustDust · 27/01/2024 22:45

I'd be more concerned about whether he's saying it to your DS and emotionally blackmailing him, my own father did this to me, and the emotional blackmail he hit my DB with was awful.

And YY to this.

The safeguarding lead in the school your DS attends needs to be made aware of the high conflict situation the child is living in, and the question of his father's suicide threats needs to be mentioned.

You need to create a paper trail documenting the threats, but more to the point, anybadverse experiences the child is exposed to when he's with his father need to be unearthed and addressed.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2024 23:10

Anybadverse = any adverse

Boyce · 27/01/2024 23:29

Classic abuser tactic.
When I'd finished with my abusive ex, he was lone working on night shifts. He phoned me to say he had alcohol and pills on him.
I pointed out that A) getting the sack and/or B) having a car accident and getting a driving ban on the way home were not good ideas.End of suicide threats.
Didn't shut up though until he received a solicitor's letter. Still alive, I think.