Children visiting grandparents abroad.

[Whsthappensnow]

I don't speak to my children's grandparents but I have agreed to let them visit this summer.

So ex mother in law is collecting them from the UK, flying them back to her house for 2 weeks then bringing them back.

Last time I filled out the correct paperwork but I wasn't entirely happy about the whole thing. For example I never actually saw confirmation of the flights home and they accused me of being tricky by asking for it. Bottom line. I don't trust them.

However I don't want to stop the DC having a relationship with them and in future years they may not want to go and I get a break so it needs to happen.

My question is this, last time I put the DC's names on some kind of register. It wasn't accusing anyone of anything it was just a place you can log details if you have any concerns. It gave me peace of mind. I can't remember what it's called, where I found it or if I completely made it up. Can anyone help?

@StuckintheUSA No I haven't got enough for legal fees. My parents however who are encouraging this have and have told me they would but quite frankly I think I'd rather they used thier cash for other things.

So my DC, one of each, 8&9.

Whole thing is mad. Please don’t send them. These people sound horrendous. Why would you send your precious children to spend time with people you don’t like or trust and who have treated you appallingly? They’ll have 14 uninterrupted days to criticise you and pour poison in your children’s ears. They’ll probably do the same about their dad. What’s that going to do to your children? Knowing how bad relations are I doubt they’ll even feel able to tell you what they’ve been told.

Who cares the flights have been booked? You’re their mum, act in their best interests and stop them going.

Oh god, 8 and 9. Just no.

Exactly this. Even if the country is a signatory to The Hague convention, even if the law is on your side, even if your parents would help with legal fees, it would take time to engage a lawyer with the right international knowledge and thousands of pounds and months to get court hearings in place to get them returned. Why would you even consider this? Have the in-laws visit you or FaceTime the kids if you want them to be able to stay in touch.

I don't get why you are even entertaining this idea - so what if you get a break?! Could end up being considerably longer than a 2 week break that you get!

Why am I entertaining the idea? Because what if it was all my ex's fault? What if they are genuinely sorry and I have deprived the DC of a relationship with them. They're having facetime calls, they're making plans and I'd feel terrible for telling my kids they can't go based on my gut feeling.

There’s being a people pleaser and there’s lying down with WELCOME stamped across your forehead. Why on earth are you sending your DC off to visit these people?

Your ex-ILs don’t need to have sole care of your DC for 2 weeks+ in their home county to have a relationship with them.

Is this thread a wind-up or are you actually mad? I’m sorry, but - abject people pleaser as I am - I find it impossible to believe that anyone would send their children abroad to people they do not (and with good reason) trust.

I’d them come to the UK, rent a house for 2 weeks and visit the kids there. Probably less costly than paying for all the flights back and forth for everyone.

And you don’t owe them anything.

Are you fucking mental!?? Does all this come before your children’s wellbeing?? Do you have the thousands of pounds in legal fees and the months it may take to get them back if they decide to try something? What is actually going through your head? It doesn’t matter what your mum or anyone else thinks! If they want to see your children then they can come to you!

Ex FIL is refusing to fly anymore as says he won't come to the UK ever again so this is what I'm up against. I hadn't actually checked any legal information but I did feel obliged to let them see them.

Do your kids WANT to go?

there aren’t that many kids that would really want to be away from their primary carer for two weeks.

Especially in a place and with people they don’t know.

even if they’ve Disney grandparented them and made promises and got them excited it is your job to keep them safe.

you PIL sound controlling and abusive.

say no.

you may get accused of preventing a relationship with them.

IT DOESNT MATTER.

Their opinion of you in not the priority. The safety of your kids is.

stop pleasing your PIL, your mum (who does not have your back here).

put yourself and your children first.

‘So sorry, the kids now have some
commitments in the UK on those dates and this trip isn’t going to work for us. You are welcome to visits them in the U.K. on these terms’ (don’t let them stay with you).

of you need a break plan something else. PGL holiday or similar. Something in the U.K. where the organisers have legal obligations to return them to you safely.

his choice, his loss.

SAY NO

I wouldn't let my 8&9 year old stay for 2 weeks especially if they are not that close to their GPs.
What if they get homesick and want you? they're so far away.

What have your kids said about going?

Just had to comment on this. They won't even give you return flight details. At their young age, you must be the gatekeeper of their safety which includes their mother's peace of mind. Say no.

I’m having read your update I would literally tell them to fuck off

if they want to see them and are that bothered they’ll travel over. If they do t then there’s your answer

Have you had any therapy since your marriage ended? I find your perspective and priorities really worrying.

Who gives a flying fuck what your ex, your ex PIL or anyone else thinks when the safety of your young vulnerable children is at stake?

Your own parents are all kinds of wrong and overstepping too. The whole dynamic is concerning.

On the off chance this is genuine I cannot fathom why you would agree for your children to go with these people under the circumstances described. Family or not it sounds like a terrible misconceived idea.

What the f is wrong with you?

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here for a while.

You have a bad gut feeling- fucking listen to it.

You don't trust them - don't pack your kids off to them!

They have treated you horribly- why would you subject your kids to this.

This is an absolutely terrible idea. Cancel the trip and offer them to visit.

Yes this is absolutely genuine. No I haven't had any therapy since it happened.

I didn't want to re-live any of the trauma and I wanted to concentrate on building a new life and finding a new career, friends etc.

It's not like the kids don't know anyone there. They were both born there. They have friends there. They feel a connection to the place and I wouldn't want to deprive them of that. Thier memories are not the same as mine.

But for sure I'm going to take everything on board and re-think the situation.

As far as the DC are concerned I don't know if they genuinely want to go. I get mixed messages.

If it was all his fault and they were decent people they would be giving you return flight details and not trying to gaslight you into thinking youre the one in the wrong. I understand what a mind fuck abuse like you went through is, but their actions are showing you who they are and that you can trust your instincts, they are not people who should have sole care of your DC in a foreign country.

This

Sorry, but this is bonkers. You're sending your young children to a different country for 2 weeks to people you don't trust or have contact with, because you're a People pleaser and don't want to be seen as bad for preventing a relationship with them. How about you stop worrying about other People and think about your Children.
This thread can not be real, I'm absolutely mortified!