Want to leave abusive narcissistic husband but can’t bring myself to do it! Why?!

[Samsuper]

To cut a very long story short, I have been married to this man for 4 years and together for 10. We have two children. In this time I have left him 8 times and some how he persuades me to go back, and I always regret it. He makes me feel so guilty and plays the victim. Last time he took an overdose and tried to end his life- while telling me he couldn’t live without me. So I ended up going back- because he was being nice and acting like I had always wanted him to be.

Now I’m in a position where I am so fed up of this, I day dream about how nice it would be to live on my own with the kids and not feel like I’ve got a weight attached to me. He does absolutely nothing to help, and I’m so annoyed at myself for being such a doormat- but I feel it’s easier this way because it causes less arguments.

Hes currently unemployed due to having anxiety himself and all he does all day it play his PlayStation or watch TV. I have just done 3 years in university where he didn’t support me at all and told me I was wasting time and should get a proper job- somehow I have managed to qualify and will be starting my dream job in 2 weeks time. He has the cheek to call me lazy and nasty- when he doesn’t lift a finger to help- like honestly if he wasn’t there I wouldn’t notice and neither would the kids!

but for some reason I can’t bring myself to leave!! I’m trying to put myself first and as stupid and small as this sounds I’m trying to say no to him- for instance yesterday he asked me to cook him food and I said NO do it yourself- he didn’t speak to me all evening, but I felt so good for saying no. Today he asked me to take him to the shop (he can drive!) I said no, now again he’s not speaking to me.

Advice- please be nice, I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment with bad anxiety myself. But he straight!

whenever I have left him in the past he is horrendous- for example he smashed a window at my parents house in anger because I wouldn’t open the door to him (then said it was an accident and didn’t mean it!!) he’s scares the shit out of me when I’ve had to leave- I also have to do it so he doesn’t know or he won’t let me leave!

OP, this is an awful situation and you're the victim, not him. But action is needed: he's scaring you, you have children, he is messing with your head, he is manipulative and he is violent. What message do you think this is sending to your children? Were the police called when he smashed your parents' window? If not, start calling them every time he is abusive, threatening or violent - you owe it to your kids. Do you have the telephone number of a women's refuge you can ring for advice? If he's in the house, could you get out to make the call? Have you any family, such as your parents, to confide in? Is the house (and car you drive?) in both your names? Do you have some money of your own?

Edited to say: please let us know how you are.

@DriftingDora im surprisingly okay and feeling stronger after finally saying NO- think it’s the high dose of anxiety meds too 🙈

I have a very supportive team around me in family and friends- who I can go to stay with at any time. Just this overwhelming guilt and probably slightly scared feeling holds me back, I feel so horrible even thinking of leaving him (crazy I know!)

The house we rent and the car is mine. I am free to leave whenever I want but if I was to tell
him this, he wouldn’t let me leave with the children- therefore I’m not going anywhere! So I have to be sneaky about it!

yes the police were called and it was logged. I have been in contact with women’s aid many times- it’s just a vicious cycle- I can’t seem to get myself out of! I know I need to go- but something is holding me back? Probably the control he has over me in some form??

It’s easy to see what the problem is - he is abusive. I tried so many times to leave me ex DH before I finally got divorced. If he does that again if you try and leave you need to call the police who will put an injunction on him which will buy you time to get him out of your life forever. Don’t think of him .. he’s not thinking of you or kids when he’s smashing windows. Please leave .. there are lots of domestic abuse helplines .. I can put some links on here if you like x

It is the control and fear he’s put into you im
affraid. It’s great you’ve got support however it’s easy for others to tell you to leave. Build your yourself up to leave and plan slowly. Leave while you and kids are safe x

You know what is holding you back, you've identified yourself that it's a cycle and it's control. You need to make the shift from knowing it with your head, to believing it with your gut. We behave according to the beliefs that we hold for the most part, and there's a bit of you that still believes that he's right, you're wrong, you don't deserve any better. Wondering, is there any way you can access any more support from anywhere right now in order for you to unpick this so you can make it stick this time?

He's abusive. He's manipulative. He's violent and controlling. I would be speaking with a solicitor and getting the ball rolling on divorce proceedings. I would also be asking for support from your local police about fleeing domestic violence. Do you have a safe place that you could move into with the children. You could then go and get the children from school and move them into your new place and away from him. You could look into an occupation order and or a non molestation order to essentially get him out of the house to give you time to pack yourselves and the kids up to move to a safe place away from him. You know you don't want to live like this anymore and you don't have to. You just need some support to be able to get him out of your life. You and your children deserve better

He is the one who needs to leave your home, not you.

If you can't do that, then the police will help. They know the score, and that he is abusive and violent.

@Secondstart1001 the links would be great/ Thankyou!!

@Samsuper try https://refuge.org.uk/ I will find some others too.
I like you felt I was in a cycling of leaving and going back - if I can do it so can you! xxx

Meant cycle not cycling! Bloody auto correct!

@Secondstart1001 thankyou- that means a lot. how did you convince yourself to leave? I know what situation im
in, I know he’s horrible the majority of the time- yet here I am still staying! People say “oh he’s abusive etc- but I can’t connect it to my situation- I think I’m just blinded by how bad things have gotten! I look back at what I’ve put up with and it’s been horrific, yet I’m still here!! 😫😫 thing is I know he’ll make it hell! He makes the whole situation with the kids so unbearable because I want them to stay with me, but I know he’ll have to see them!

@Samsuper i found that when I left when there was a bust up I would go back. It’s better to prepare yourself to leave and start planning your exit with the kids. Because you will feel more calm and in control and you need that. Narcissists thrive in a chaotic environment so leaving after a bust up is a great way for them to take all their tools out of the box including emotional abuse and love bombing you. I bet you feel on edge when he’s home? So planning when you will go and executing this plan. Always clear your messages and any on Line searches as these types of men check your every move.
i Found my current partner of 4 years in the process of divorcing ex and I cannot be happier. It’s not that we don’t argue but he argues fair, no insults and abuse and he apologises and we kiss and make up after an arguement. I get a lot of love and support now and normal things like flowers and cups of tea. I feel like a person again. I hope this helps and ask me anything you like , if I can help you I will be happy x

@Secondstart1001 im so pleased for you that you managed to get out of that relationship and have found a nice one!! He’s been nice today; so I find myself questioning myself then. But I need to make myself understand that this is the cycle he’ll turn when he wants too!

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is an absolute waste of space and undeserving of you. Men like this NEVER change and you run the risk of your children being affected, not only emotionally, but potentially being removed from your care, as it will be sadly seen as you choosing him over them. Aside from the obvious physical abuse (window-smashing) giving you the silent treatment and attempts to end his life are absolutely emotionally abusive and he is disgusting!
Please leave darling. You do not need to be dragged down by him. It may seem difficult and terrifying at first, but one day you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner!
As for him saying you are lazy! He is just jealous as he knows you are too good for him and his insecurities are played out by being verbally and mentally abusive! He knows exactly what he is doing.

Make a plan to leave slowly but don't do it all by yourself. Contact social services and explain the whole situation, even get a burner phone and hide it if you need to so that he doesn't suspect anything. They will help you if you really want to leave him. Like I said though, it could be at your detriment if you do not leave and decide to keep choosing him. But if you want help, it is there.

And lastly, congratulations on finishing your degree! What a woman you are, dealing with all of that and getting to where you wanted to be.

CHOOSE YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN. PLEASE.

xx

The impact on your children of staying with him woulD be horrific

Years of his appalling behaviour has weakened you. Your spirit has been worn down and you feel obliged to live out this miserable life.

It will get worse over time if you don't say enough is enough and get your life back.

What kind of a role model are either of you for your children?!

A petulant and manipulative father and a mother who gives in.

You made a start by refilling to cook and drive him around, now go further and end it forever.

You are in a lucky situation in that you have now have a new job that will hopefully get you out of this situation!

You have to absolutely put out of your mind any emotional attachment to this man! Just regard it as a situation you have to extricate yourself from!

You have been worn down! Recognise this but at the same time feel your anger, nourish that anger, and do what you have to do. This is what I had to do in the end.

Remember, this cycle of him being nice not nice is absolutely not you but him.

Be strong and leave, life is too short for this shit.

I too, went through this. Took me 20 years to leave. Wish it hadn't been that long. Looking back, I was really naive.

thing is I know he’ll make it hell! He makes the whole situation with the kids so unbearable because I want them to stay with me, but I know he’ll have to see them!

So you do know what's stopping you. It's the fear of the battle you know you're going to have over the children and your fear of having to leave them with him.

Can you make a plan for managing this? How old are the children? Do you have a record of any abuse, negligence or otherwise concerning behaviour he's shown towards them, or that indicates he is not fit as a parent (eg refusing to bath them, not being involved in day-to-day care at all)?

Even if you can't remember exact dates and times, writing down all (and I do mean ALL - every single one counts) concerning incidents will start to form a record that you can supply to agencies to prove why you should have 100 percent custody and supervised contact only.

@CheekyHobson he doesn’t do anything! Like I mean anything! He doesn’t bath them, feed them, my son has allergies he doesn’t even know what food he likes to eat since being diagnosed, he doesn’t do school runs, he played with my son for 10 mins this evening and watched a programme with my daughter. That is all he’s done !

to put things into perspective of how little he helps, I had to get up and take them to school when I had D&V because he refused to help me- he was tired! It even angers me re writing all these episodes I just let slip and get on with.

Would this on its own be enough to justify? In the meantime while waiting for court could I keep them with me- I spoke to a solicitor a few years ago and she said I have to be careful when keeping the kids as it can go against me in court?! I just feel so stressed by it all already! I know what’s to come this is the problem- I’ve done it 8 times before!

Would this on its own be enough to justify? In the meantime while waiting for court could I keep them with me- I spoke to a solicitor a few years ago and she said I have to be careful when keeping the kids as it can go against me in court?! I just feel so stressed by it all already! I know what’s to come this is the problem- I’ve done it 8 times before!
Get out to somewhere safe with the children, do not give him your address - set up an e-mail he can use and offer supervised contact at a contact centre (thats's if the children want it of course). Regards court wait for him to make the applciation and then respond to it. Womens Aid will be able to help and given there is documented DV you will be in a good podition to get legal aid.
No doubt he will make more threats and accusations before he actually gets around to involving court.

OP, CheekyHobson is right about documenting everything, as no doubt he will lie through his teeth from the sound of him. Has anyone else witnessed his behaviour or heard him shouting or being intimidating towards you? Please call the police every time you feel threatened by his behaviour, don't try to deal with it on your own or feel you have to put up with it. Apologies if I've missed it, but how old are your children?

You are able to withhold contact if that's what you wish to do for your children's safety. You don't have to justify that. Although it sounds like he wouldn't get through an hour on his own with them anyway.

Another option could be asking a friend or family member to be present if that makes you feel more comfortable, or if you don't wish for any contact that is understandable given your description of his character.

For him to go through court he would have to apply and pay, and by the sounds of it he may not have the motivation/ finances to be able to do that if he is lazy and also doesn't work?

I also wanted to highlight that when you said you recognise a cycle you are in... Your children are now also in a cycle. They are seeing a man being abusive towards a woman and this is their norm.

You must realise that if you have girls, they will accept abusive boyfriends, and if you have boys, they will become abusers - there are exceptions to the rule, but they are the patterns which are seen in children exposed to these relationships. As someone has mentioned above, you must be careful about continuing to expose them to this because although you are a victim from your partner, your children are victims from you if you choose not to remove them from being exposed to this abuse.

If you are able to get through your studies without any support whatsoever, then you have the fire within you to make sure the cycle breaks at attempt number nine.

This is your own only life, and nobody deserves to be treated that way.

What was your upbringing like? Explore this. It will help you to understand why you find it hard to leave him. You are also worn, depleted and scarred by years of his narcissistic manipulation. He will not kill himself! He loves himself too much.

@DriftingDora yes lots of people we’ve had episodes where he was shouting in the street, his dad and step mum have witnessed it, my parents, his brother, his friends!!

It's good that you have other witnesses - the police may need to know this at some point, so make sure you've got a record of it. And it seems he's behaved this way in front of his own family, as well as your own.

Don't forget the point about the children's ages - are they old enough to make their feelings known?