Want to leave abusive narcissistic husband but can’t bring myself to do it! Why?!

[Samsuper]

To cut a very long story short, I have been married to this man for 4 years and together for 10. We have two children. In this time I have left him 8 times and some how he persuades me to go back, and I always regret it. He makes me feel so guilty and plays the victim. Last time he took an overdose and tried to end his life- while telling me he couldn’t live without me. So I ended up going back- because he was being nice and acting like I had always wanted him to be.

Now I’m in a position where I am so fed up of this, I day dream about how nice it would be to live on my own with the kids and not feel like I’ve got a weight attached to me. He does absolutely nothing to help, and I’m so annoyed at myself for being such a doormat- but I feel it’s easier this way because it causes less arguments.

Hes currently unemployed due to having anxiety himself and all he does all day it play his PlayStation or watch TV. I have just done 3 years in university where he didn’t support me at all and told me I was wasting time and should get a proper job- somehow I have managed to qualify and will be starting my dream job in 2 weeks time. He has the cheek to call me lazy and nasty- when he doesn’t lift a finger to help- like honestly if he wasn’t there I wouldn’t notice and neither would the kids!

but for some reason I can’t bring myself to leave!! I’m trying to put myself first and as stupid and small as this sounds I’m trying to say no to him- for instance yesterday he asked me to cook him food and I said NO do it yourself- he didn’t speak to me all evening, but I felt so good for saying no. Today he asked me to take him to the shop (he can drive!) I said no, now again he’s not speaking to me.

Advice- please be nice, I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment with bad anxiety myself. But he straight!

whenever I have left him in the past he is horrendous- for example he smashed a window at my parents house in anger because I wouldn’t open the door to him (then said it was an accident and didn’t mean it!!) he’s scares the shit out of me when I’ve had to leave- I also have to do it so he doesn’t know or he won’t let me leave!

@Samsuper i know he was being nice yesterday.. narcissist balance it out and can be so charming! However you know his dark side and it seems like a lot of people have witnessed his temper. Your neighbours can probably hear him too. Him being nice sometimes doesn’t make up for what he’s like most of the time. It’s a form of abuse that they make us doing ourselves but now you are discussing it and putting it into words it makes it real and horrible to read ( even worse till live it).

@Samsuper i know that feeling of guilt and fear all too well.
I am one year to the week past asking my ex to leave.
I promise you. You CAN do it.
Nobody in my life knew about the controlling abusiveness that went on behind closed doors, but my little support network got us all through.

If you husband comes and breaks another window call the police. HE is in the wrong not you.

You need to gather everything you need ahead of time, take the next month to get photos of paperwork, passports, marriage certificates etc and move them somewhere else.

Save up some cash for yourself if you can and find a day where you feel strong, i spent 10 years feeling the way you need and getting up the courage, but when the moment came i knew it was actually time and couldn't hold myself back.

Keep us posted