ShouId I dump my Mediator?

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis0]

I will spare you all the tedious details as much as possible. I am separated, and ended my 9yr relationship in Sept. DC1 and DC3. XP and I own a house with decent equity (enough for deposits on two new properties). Nothing can be agreed on the financial side because he refuses to agree a (fair, accurate) valuation for the buy out he wants, and downright refuses to sell either. We've had 6 estate agent valuations giving the same figure.

Anyway. we're up to mediation session 5 (about 7 hours spent so far) and I've come to the realisation that our Mediator is not proving as helpful as I had hoped, and may actually be doing harm. We reached a stalemate today when discussing custody. I want 65/35% whereby they see him 5 days a fortnight, and have their home base and majority time with me. I have always been default parent/main caregiver whatever term you want to use and the bulk of it sits with me. He is a hands on dad but does not have the bond I do with them and doesn't split the parenting equally with me now. I breastfeed the baby and plan to continue as long as I can.

I strongly believe it is not in the DCs best interests to do the 50/50 that he wants. When discussing my proposal today the mediator interrupted me several times to tell me off for using certain terms like 'NRP' and 'custody' and kept repeating throughout the meeting that parents these days are completely equal and have equal rights and importance in the DCs life. I have never said anything to imply I don't believe this. When I listed all the things I currently do for DC that he doesn't share with me, she basically told me it's irrelevant what I did or didn't do before. She was insisting that 50/50 works for young children (she's suggesting 2255) but I've done extensive research that says little children need routine and stability and a home base with one parent and to see both as often as possible. My suggestion was a good one, and meant the longest they would be away from me is 24h at a time. He came up with no suggestions other than an insistance that we split 50/50. The Mediator was pushing us toward 50/50 and even asked me at one point if my custody plan was related to the CMS calculation, implying I wanted more time with the DC to increase my CMS. The DC are tiny, they will not cope with 50/50. I believe he wants it to feel like he hasn't lost anything as a father in our separation, but that's not putting their needs first.

I've already invested so much time and money into mediation. Had anyone changed Mediator if you didn't like the one you had?

Does it sound like my Mediator overstepped? I don't think it's her place to act as she has done.

What custody plans do you have with DC under 4?

I would say changing Mediator would undo the work we have done but I can't honestly say we've achieved anything. Starting from scratch with another sounds awful though.

I think it sounds like he has charmed her

I didn't find mediation helpful at all. I felt so small and the mediator didn't register at all when my xh was patronising me. I think you're better just doing the legal route

Court worked better for me than mediation but it's risky. You could try a different mediator. Mediators are motivated to get to an agreement. Courts make a judgment in what they find based on the arguments presented to be in the child's best Interests. This can include precedent to date.

In some ways they are correct
what you do now is not what happens going forward - ie just because you are primary carer doesn’t mean that you can’t do 50:50

however, your baby is young and a court wouldnt impose that ( yet)

have you proposed a plan which perhaps builds up to it so that by the time they are primary age it could be ? What does that look like for example ?
what can you compromise on?

whst is he requesting ? Can he demonstrate how that will work etc?

re the house I’d simply go legal route to either get your share or get judge to force a sale

Btw I do know people who dud 50:50 when their children were young ( 1 and 3) and it did work out well ( children are now teens) so it can work. But I feel requires a Certain ability from both parents to co parent well

Not everything can be resolved in mediation. It looks like it hasn’t for you. You have a position and he has a position. You have presented the basis for your opinion and the mediator has countered in his behalf. What the mediator is saying is that there are good grounds accepted by the courts for his request to succeed.

As there is no meeting of minds why no just go to court. The longer you delay it the more untenable your breastfeeding argument will become. That’s really your strongest argument. Along with a gradual build up as a period of adjustment. Time is not on the side of your argument.

The mediator is helping you by advising against outdated language that is no longer used because it’s contrary to the equal parenting principle.

Do you mean precedent as in what the childcare split has been to date, or in terms of what custody arrangements have been ordered in previous similar cases?

I changed mediators very early in the process as I felt they were biased towards ex husband. The next one was much better and worked.

I meant precedent in terms of what has worked well and offers stability for that child. It may mean a gradual move to a different arrangement as the child ages.

I think you need to more open to 50:50

you are both the parents of these children and have the right to equal time with them and more importantly, your children deserve equal time with both of you.

saying you don’t want them away from you for more than 24 hours isn’t reasonable and is putting your feelings first.

yes you may have been the main caregiver but the situation and family dynamics have changed now. You are two separate familie units and your ex has the right to have your shared children 50% of the time.

you say you don’t want to do 50:50 as you want your children to have routine and stability? This will be routine and stability. It’s no different to them spending 30% at their dads and 70% at yours. They will still be moving around. The difference is you are focusing on how you feel having less time with them.

Get a decent solicitor no point continuing with mediation if it’s not working. However, 50/50 is hard to argue against unless there’s extenuating circumstances. With very young children the mum is often more likely to be primary caregiver due to Mat leave and breastfeeding etc but as they get older 50/50 is the courts default. I know because my solicitor basically told me I couldn’t argue against this realistically.

as you’re still BF’g could you propose a timeline so perhaps it’s more than 50% with you know but that by the time they’re both 3 or 4 it’s 50/50?

I would just take it to court personally. You’ve tried and both parties are clearly determined that they are right.
You say that your plan has the kids away from you for maximum 24 hours. That’s a lot of chopping and changing which isn’t ideal either.
I agree that you should present a plan which moves towards a 50/50 arrangement in future. The arrangement might be based on child’s age because your youngest is very young where as a 4 year old is much older. In the future your ex may want to take the kids longer than a night eg visit family or holiday and he wouldn’t be seen as unreasonable to want this added to the child arrangement order. It may be to the children’s benefit (especially the older one) to be used to more than 24 hours away from you.
How much childcare you and he did doesn’t feature in what you’ll get at court. Same as if you were a SAHM while he paid bills- divorce means clean skate and new rules. It may be harder for your kids and ex because he’s not learned as much as you about the kids but he won’t be legally penalised so you need to let that go. Your ex might step up and become a better father than when he was with you.

50/50 is the starting point at court. You need to be more open to it

It may not be the popular opinion on MN, but I am with you, whilst my DC loved their dad, them having to cope with the change of him no longer being around in the home and the distress of the change in circumstances at a young age (but not so young that they didn't realise what was happening) plus being away for prolonged periods from the person that actually did the comforting, caring and nurturing when they didn't really have any concept of what a day or several days were, so didn't really understand when they would see me again I felt would add to their distress, plus if their home has to be sold, they would also have to cope with that change on top. I know children are resilient, but even so, I felt it was too much for them and they deserved better, especially when they didn't need to and would still see their dad very regularly, just a bit less and certainly not 5 days away from their primary carer in one stretch or being shunted back and forth every couple of days.
I wonder if your mediator actually has children...probably not appropriate to ask though.
Time has passed and they appreciate being in both places now for different reasons and I would honestly say that I feel I have tried to do what is right for them and actually as they have gotten older and they can verbalise if they have any issues, I can now see that their dad has definitely made more of a practical effort with them (still not overly sure on the emotional side).

How will they ever learn to depend on their father more or grow closer to him if they’re constantly told that they should be with mum more because she’s their main caregiver. Mums are usually main caregivers to start due to maternity leave and BF, that doesn’t mean that we should hold some rights forever over the children and take away the right to grow closer to their fathers?

there is no reason to not have a 50:50 split unless there are serious issues. Parents should be equal. The sooner you get in to your new houses and start the new normal routine the better

@SKG231 well I go by what is best for my children, not what other people think

Does it sound like my Mediator overstepped? I don't think it's her place to act as she has done
Yes. It sounds like she forgot about one of the key principles of mediation and that's impartiality. She also shouldn't be advising on what's best (or think is best), only referring to information.

Mediation can only work if both parties are prepared to move from their initial position together. If one is unwilling to consider different options, they then need to go to court for someone else to make the decision for them.

I agree 💯💯💯

I would agree to 50/50. This can start after breastfeeding is over

From what you've written, it sounds like the mediator isn't giving you what you want, and they are trying to mediate to give a fair outcome for both you.

`I see nothing that suggests they are biased, rather they are challenging you when you don't seem willing to move from what you feel is in the best interests of the children.

Surely the point of using the mediator is that you are willing to compromise and have your point of view challenged.

A mediator is a waste of time for you if aren't willing to compromise.

💯

Are you married (and divorcing) op? I ask as you mention xp rather than xh.

If not married then your financial assets are split as per ownership - of you bought the house 50/50 then it can be sold 50/50 but it'll need a court order if he's not game.

The child arrangements are far trickier. Mediation didn't work for me - my ex wanted 50/50 despite never changing a nappy and working 6 days a week (currently now sees them maybe twice a year).

Why not agree to 50/50 and see how the dc and he cope.

Yes both parents have equal rights as regards the care of their children, but that doesn't mean that demanding they split their time equally is in the children's best interests for the reasons I have explained.

@BloodyAdultDC when would you know if they had coped? When they are an adult and can reflect on it, bit late at that point and I wouldn't want to risk my dcs mental health just to be seen to be 'fair'.
Did your ex get 50/50?

Also I would add, I am not adverse to the situation changing in the future that they are older and can see/decide where they would like to spend their time as I feel we have navigated the tough times.