ShouId I dump my Mediator?

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis0]

I will spare you all the tedious details as much as possible. I am separated, and ended my 9yr relationship in Sept. DC1 and DC3. XP and I own a house with decent equity (enough for deposits on two new properties). Nothing can be agreed on the financial side because he refuses to agree a (fair, accurate) valuation for the buy out he wants, and downright refuses to sell either. We've had 6 estate agent valuations giving the same figure.

Anyway. we're up to mediation session 5 (about 7 hours spent so far) and I've come to the realisation that our Mediator is not proving as helpful as I had hoped, and may actually be doing harm. We reached a stalemate today when discussing custody. I want 65/35% whereby they see him 5 days a fortnight, and have their home base and majority time with me. I have always been default parent/main caregiver whatever term you want to use and the bulk of it sits with me. He is a hands on dad but does not have the bond I do with them and doesn't split the parenting equally with me now. I breastfeed the baby and plan to continue as long as I can.

I strongly believe it is not in the DCs best interests to do the 50/50 that he wants. When discussing my proposal today the mediator interrupted me several times to tell me off for using certain terms like 'NRP' and 'custody' and kept repeating throughout the meeting that parents these days are completely equal and have equal rights and importance in the DCs life. I have never said anything to imply I don't believe this. When I listed all the things I currently do for DC that he doesn't share with me, she basically told me it's irrelevant what I did or didn't do before. She was insisting that 50/50 works for young children (she's suggesting 2255) but I've done extensive research that says little children need routine and stability and a home base with one parent and to see both as often as possible. My suggestion was a good one, and meant the longest they would be away from me is 24h at a time. He came up with no suggestions other than an insistance that we split 50/50. The Mediator was pushing us toward 50/50 and even asked me at one point if my custody plan was related to the CMS calculation, implying I wanted more time with the DC to increase my CMS. The DC are tiny, they will not cope with 50/50. I believe he wants it to feel like he hasn't lost anything as a father in our separation, but that's not putting their needs first.

I've already invested so much time and money into mediation. Had anyone changed Mediator if you didn't like the one you had?

Does it sound like my Mediator overstepped? I don't think it's her place to act as she has done.

What custody plans do you have with DC under 4?

I would say changing Mediator would undo the work we have done but I can't honestly say we've achieved anything. Starting from scratch with another sounds awful though.

I can't imagine most men would be able to do 50/50. They just don't want to pay maintenance and no way is it in the best interests of a breastfed baby or a toddler to keep boinging about between two homes. Get a good lawyer.

@FlippyFloppyShoe woah,steady on!

The sad fact is that the kids will be spending a considerable time between homes in the future. Op has written very much from her perspective and courts do tend to lean more towards 50/50 if the 'nrp', usually the dad, requests it. Dads can be very competent, able and loving parents, at least as much as the mum.

My ex asked for 50/50 despite him having barely anything to do with the dc as babies and toddlers. When push came to shove, and considering his ludicrous working pattern and insistence that his mum moved into the fmh to look after the dc on his days, he slipped VERY quickly into eow at a push. Were the kids impacted by not seeing him? Of course. Would they have been affected by not seeing me for more than 50%? Of course. There's no getting away from the fact that kids are affected by divorce.

I know a dad who has 50/50 and does all the life admin/appointments/school stuff for his kids, works really well for everyone, but the kids do have 2 homes and schlep between them every week.

Nobody ever dreams that they might one day be fighting with a previously once-loved partner about who looks after the kids. But (and I know this because I've been there) you need to step back from the emotions and think,really objectively, about what's best for the kids.

@BloodyAdultDC your situation sounded a bit like mine , but thankfully for my DC the arrangement that we ended up with, he has stuck to (for the most part)
I would say that it wasn't about my emotions, it was about understanding what their dad was capable of offering them at that stage.

Oh, and no, my ex didn't 'get' 50/50. He realised after a few days of me doing absolutely nothing for him and the dc (I went to my mums for a long weekend) that there was no way he could cope even without work and having his mum stay. He currently sees them about 3 times a year. More to do with his shit parenting over the years when he could be arsed to see them, now they're older teens they've figured him out.

@shearwater2 why?
many women work full time and juggle childcare? Men can too

and just as many women refuse 50:50 because they expect maintenance as men want 50:50 to avoid it

I'd go straight to court.

Previous comments seem to be suggesting you are being unreasonable for not compromising, but he isn't compromising either. The mediator has zeroed in on you as the easier party to lean on and so this is no longer a fair or practical way to resolve things.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis0 pp reminded me that the availability of the dad to be present for the times he is after rather than handing off to third-party was also a factor. Does your ex travel much or is not officially able to accommodate eg informal 'well our core hours are X and I wfh' rather than formal flexible working pattern.

He's allowed to work from home twice a week only, his company are strict on it. And he travels every month to two months for a couple of days at a time. I have no idea how he would dead with school when the time comes emg 15 30 collections.

Update for you all - my suspicions about the mediator siding with my EP were dead-on. The last session overran by an hour. My DC were home with a sitter so I had to leave at that point (2.5hr in). EP got home super late, I figured he had hung around in town etc. A few days later, as part of point he was trying to make about how unreasonable I am and that even the mediator thought this too, he told me they had gone on after I left the venue to have a 45 minute conversation during which they discussed how my child arrangements plan was rubbish, among other things. Then I get the mediation summary and the mediator has inserted information he must have given her during their chat, into the summary as if it is A. Fact and B. Mutually discussed during the session and C. I was attempting to hide this information. She used this wording 'it eventually transpired that...'

I am in disbelief.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis0 I'd be VERY tempted to report her to whatever mediation body she's a member of, surely that's professional misconduct?

Sounds like you do need to ditch the mediator - exh and I managed to do all the custody and financials in one 2 hours session, with a few tidying up emails afterwards. My DP is on a similar timescale with his exw - 7 hours of mediation seems nuts. Not sure where you'd go from here though - via solicitors? But that would cost a fortune.

I've told the mediation company that this conversation happened and my belief that she's showing a clear bias against me, and their response back was pitiful. She's denied the case was discussed with EP and said they discussed 'generalities' - really, what the weather?! in 45 minutes?

They've offered to extend the next session by half an hour FOC to discuss the points I've raised and I've said I'll attend one more session in the hope we can come to a resolution on some of the issues but I expect it will go the same way, and be my last. I REALLY don't want to have to take the legal route. This mediator seems incompetent, the impartiality aside, if it's taking this long to progress matters.

Geez. Mediation isn't working then, is it? Stuff that for a game of soldiers. Get yourself a good solicitor and take it from there.

Mediation is not working and the mediator is shown to be biased against you.
Have you got the response from the mediation company in writing? if they are offering you half an hour free of charge, they are recognising that something is amiss.

I would see a solicitor and use a mediator recommended and agreed by both you and your x’s solicitors. I don’t know how you found this one, but they don’t seem very credible.

Basically, the starting point is the best interests of the child, which is not what you want or your ex wants. A good mediator will try to establish what you do agree on in this regard and work from there, not force through what one party wants. I agree with MattDamon that the mediator was leaning on you as it seemed easier, but if the company have acknowledged that your ex stayed back with her to discuss ‘generalities’ this is an admission that the process is compromised. No discussion should have happened without you in the room.
I personally would not go back.

Regarding what a court would do, my response to this was always ‘but we are not in court’. If my ex wanted to force through what a court would do, that is where he were he needed to go so we could find out ‘what a court would do’. But for as long as we were not in a court, the point for me was to try and agree as much as possible because that was in the best interests of DC. But you need to be prepared to actually go to court if needed, and be that convinced you have exhausted all other avenues (court is expensive and adversarial and should be the last resort) and sure court is the only way to meet DC’s best interests.

Changing mediators because you are not getting what you have decided you want is not the mediators fault it doesn't work that way

There's no way I'd go back to see that mediator.

How unprofessional of that mediator!

I personally wouldn't bother changing mediator, unless there has been some other things that your ex has budged and compromised on (or at least shown a willingness to) besides arrangements with the children as if he wasn't willing to compromise this time around he wouldn't with another either. I also wouldn't bother wasting my time and money with the one you're using as it sounds like they are failing to be impartial and making comments that make you uncomfortable.
If there has been no progress at all the with mediation I would personally look to go to court, or find a solicitor who can strongly negotiate on your behalf.
I don't think it is unreasonable for a father to want 50/50 contact with the child, however I do think it is unreasonable to expect a breastfeeding child to have 50/50 contact. I have a breastfeeding little one who is currently 18 months old and still heavily relies on me for bedtime. I've never had more than 4 hours away from him for work, and I'm not able to leave him overnight at all. Me and my partner are still together (and hopefully will stay that way) but it's absolutely exhausting for me and we have tried and tried to change our stubborn little one away from the breast but it isn't that simple. I do think it is reasonable to plan for the future and look to increase the contact with a view of around school age to be 50/50. Your ex may not even want it at that point, but you are being reasonable and putting the children first offering it.

DP found mediation rubbish. He went twice and saw her approx 20 minutes of a 2 hour session. From what it said it’s sounds more like she wanted a solution to add to her ‘ratings’. He got through court what he asked for in mediation. If he’s listened to the mediator he would have got a lot less!

My DP found mediation rubbish as well.

In the end it took him going to Court and being represented by a barrister to get what he asked for

His ex insisted he have an overnight he couldn't do due to previous commitments as it suited her work. The (male) mediator, a solicitor, told him the Court would force him to have that overnight to facilitate his ex's work. The (female) barrister told him this was BS.

I know other parents - both mothers and fathers - who were told BS by the mediators they were using. When they went to Court they got more reasonable solutions which they were advised they would get when they spoke to barristers.

In your case OP the Courts will not consider the breast feeding of a one year old as a reason for him to have his children for only 24 hours at a time. A one year old can eat food. However him having them EOW and one/two overnights in the week (depending on the nights of eow) would be more reasonable than 50/50 considering his work commitments. Then when they go to school you need to negotiate to have half the holidays each. (He may not want half the summer holidays but try to get him to agree to it, as why should you have the stress of sorting out their care for 4-5 weeks?)

The only good thing is due to Court backlogs by the time your case comes to Court your children should be nearly a year older.

How old is the child you're breastfeeding? I'm not sure if your solution of no longer than 24hrs away from you would be considered 'fair' I would focus more on the technicalities of what he proposes for the days he is proposing to have and how that can actually be done- his work schedule doesn't allow a 50/50 split, and the 50/50 then goes out the window when he is away on trips. I think you'd be more likely to get your point across focusing on those than that you beleive the children can't be away from you for more than a day.

A couple of things I learned:

1. you have to play the system. It's semantics but the word 'custody' is inflammatory. Use the terminology the system uses. Take all emotion out of the equation. Hard I know.

2. keep every single point child focused. EG Repeatedly make the point about consistency of care and maintaining the status quo - to minimise disruption/ uncertainty for the children. Focus on their routines, education, friendships etc. as these are key. Do not talk about your needs and wants. Be open to compromise where it is in the childrens best interests.

3. only choose a mediator that is also a family solicitor - you want someone who understands court precedent and likely outcomes. So many are glorified counsellors with little in the way of légal training. Additionally seek your own independent legal advice in the background so you are clear what the objective is and what is realistic.

FWIW children do get a say when they are old enough. Mine voted with their feet and in court their needs trumped everything else. They now see the other parent regularly but live permanently with me and I literally do everything for them as I always have. Kids are astute - they see all the minutea of care and who priorities them and will make their choices about living arrangements accordingly whilst maintaining relationships with both parents when they hit their teens.

You can stop meduation

however, you’re also showing no compromise at least on here. It’s your way or none. That is not good

yiu refer to him not having a bind and not doing equal split now - but that’s likely to be as few working while you’re on maternity and can change. You’ll also have to go back to work and juggle child care/ pick ups drop off, time not soon at some point in next few years. That alone doesn’t make it impossible to do 50:50 or near it as many full time working parents manage this everyday

wgat flexibility have you offered? What conpromises have you made? What are you open to, not just now but in a year or two or whatever..: as your children grow their schedules will change and child arrangements should be flexible to accommodate.

there is no reason why your children can’t be away from you for more than 24 hours.