Is this a good custody agreement for the kids or just him?

[BookArt]

Please see attached image. 'P' is me, 'R' is my ex.

Split up with kid's dad 4 weeks ago, still living together, very much struggling with what is right for the kids.

Ex has always prioritised work, so wants the custody agreement of our 1 & 5 year old to work around that. He leaves the house at 6.45am and returns at 6pm. Wfh on a Monday and Friday afternoon. Currently takes the kids to school/nursery on a Monday and Friday morning and collects them both on a Friday afternoon.

I think his suggestion isn't best for the kids. I think the random Thursday night would be tough for the kids with routine. And I want to have the kids for the full weekend, so don't want him to have the Sunday night of my weekend.

Ex also would wants our 5 year old to stop football on a Monday night because he can't facilitate that. I can and have been taking him to football, and our child loves it. However the agreement he wants is about squeezing in as many nights as possible, even if it means him getting them 10mins before bed time. I assume for CMS reasons.

He also wants the plan to completely change during school holidays because I'm a teacher, where I would have them during the week and he would have them at the weekend. I understand the reasoning with this, but does mean during the summer holidays my kids would not see family/friends on my side because they're only free at the weekend. I also couldn't take them away for a full week as he has said he wouldn't want to miss anymore time with them. He will not use his holiday for the 6 weeks holiday...

There's plenty of other things but I'll start with these basics. Eg Christmas he wants 5 solid days with the kids to go to his family, but on my year I'm not allowed 5 days because it's not fair for him to not see the kids for that long because I'll 'just' be at home.

Any advice appreciated. Please be kind, so new to this. I could be completely unreasonable and wanted some impartial advice.

@BookArt what is the grey are denoting?? why are you doing bedtimes 4 nights a week and he is doing them only 3 nights a week? why does he want to have the children for all day then hand them to you to do bathtime on sunday? what is the reason for him not doing football, surely it cant be because he just does not want to??

is there a football club on the days with you that you could find?

thankfully mediation and or family courts will want him to continue UNLESS the father puts forward a very compelling case as to why truly not feasible but his intention to find an alternative

however it’s not a great sign OP. Is he otherwise a good father?

what on earth is going on currently re the children with you both under the same roof?

Don't agree to this, totally self serving on your exs part and the fact that he'd cut your DSs football because it doesn't suit him is appalling, particularly given what you have said about your son being settled and maybe not making friends as easily.

The children's lives should change as minimally as possible. When I separated from my ex, we split the days equally and it's up to each of us to just make our own arrangements. He can't take his DS to football on a Monday? Then he has to find someone who can, otherwise he gives up that day to you.

He sounds like a prick. Maybe a mediator to help with the custody arrangement would help him realise what an arsehole he is?

Currently he takes the kids to school/nursery Monday and Friday morning. He then finishes work at 12pm on a Friday so has the 1 year old from 1pm and the 5 year from 3pm. I finish at 2.30pm can just about make it to pick the 5 year old up from school if needed. He has now started to take both kids to the eldest's kickboxing class on a Friday afternoon, but only in the last two months, before that i was doing it.

He does every other bedtime. He doesn't do any playdates etc, doesn't take them out of the house alone (maybe once a month at a push popping to the shop but only if I am not around). All of the above I have had to push for and has been one of the main reasons our relationship broke down, apparently I treat him like a 'babysitter'.

I do all medical stuff (both kids see several departments across 2 hospitals), I do all school/nursery, I organise everything, do majority of childcare and pickups. I do all parties, playdates etc. I take them out every weekend, play with them, teach them... all sounds silly writing it down but has been an ongoing conversation.

There are no football clubs on the two other school night we are free, except one which is £12 a lesson (more of a soccer school). His current football is £3 a lesson. I would move him if I had the money to solve the problem, but I won't have the money especially with nursery fees.

Dad can't do football as he finishes at 5pm, would then have to pick both kids up with a football start of 5.30pm. He said it isn't enough time. You could probably just about do it.

The grey will be with whatever parent is having them on the dinner time, so him one weekend and then me the other weekend.

He has the fri bring them home Sunday so your son doesn't miss Monday football.

Kids are obsessed with him, he does love them, when he is fully present and when he plays with them he is great. Feel like I'm just pointing out all his bad points!

However he does not burn his head in the sand with both the kid's medical things.

Can he change his wfh days?

What I have found helpful is set school days. So in your situation I would suggest you do mon and Tuesday which would allow for the football. Him take weds and Thursday if he can wfh on these days. And then switch every weekend.

It isn't best for the kids to spend time with one parent only to have to be dropped with other patebt just to go to bed.

You need some time off during the holidays. Why should you be facilitating him not taking any time off in the holidays? If he wants equal time he must do some holiday time.

If he wants five days at Christmas you should also have this. However I think this is excessive. Again what would be best fir the children is to see both parents at Christmas so a Xmas day / boxing day split alternate years would be better.

Don't let him bully you.

I would say it’s unreasonable for you to expect to have them every weekend. They should be shared.
I am a teacher. When I split with my ex, we did 50/50 straight away. Dd was 5.
she stayed with the same childminder who did the school run. Fridays were the changeover days when I would pick her up from the childminder, and her bags had been left that morning by her DF. Arrangements stayed the same over school holidays but in the summer each of us could have 2 weeks to take her on holiday. Christmas was an obvious difference. I would pick her up at lunch time on Christmas Eve and she would stay until Boxing Day morning. She’d then be with her DF until New Year’s Day morning. This alternated every year. She spent Mother’s Day and my birthday with me, Father’s Day and his birthday with DF regardless of which week we were on.
She did Brownies when she was with me, so only went every other week (we lived 20 miles apart), her DF took her to a sport activity EOW and weekends she had swimming that we both took her to.

Has he considered applying for flexible work arrangements on the Monday?? Then it could work because he could get DS to football.

But generally he sounds like a selfish prick who is not going to stick to the arrangements anyway and his DCwill stop seeing him by choice once they are teens because he will not prioritise their needs.

I would go to mediation and I would have a very clear written arrangement including that whoever has the DC on any weekend is responsible for facilitating any parties etc on that weekend. I can see it getting really problematic if they want to do any sport later. Sadly it’s very common that men seem to think they shouldn’t actually have to do any parenting beyond the basics during their time.

What a twat he sounds…all about meeeeeeee! Tough, he will have to facilitate football and ridiculous suggesting kids go to his do close to bedroom, no understanding of children’s needs!

Firstly I'm sorry you are going through this, I remember this time and how gut wrenching a period it was. It's so stressful and I hope you are doing ok.

He's being a selfish arse and needs to realise that divorce requires greater flexibility on his part. And he's soon going to find out what being a parent actually means as he's going to have to start taking the children to their medical appts, parties, social events if they fall on his days. What is his work - how much flexibility does he have?

Would a remedy here be:
First Monday : P does dinner and bedtime
Second Thursday: R does dinner and bedtime.
Second Friday: P does dinner and bedtime.

Holidays need to be split.

There's a template parenting plan which can help you to focus and be practical. I found this really helpful for the initial stages. You have to remember these arrangements are not set in stone and have to be regularly reviewed and overhauled as the children grow up and have more input. childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parenting-plans/

I hope that link works for you. If not search Parenting Plan. There's lots of advice.

A book called the Co-parenting Handbook has lots of good tips.

You can set up a shared calendar for communication purposes and to keep this timetable clear. That's helpful too. As the children get older and get phones, they can access it too.

Is he trying to squeeze as many nights in as possible so he doesn’t have to pay child maintenance?

Not a chance on his suggested holiday arrangement, that’s not fair to you or your kids.

who instigated the divorce? are you both on board with it?

why is it all about him , what about you? (And the kids obviously) . I'd seek advice, he is literally serving himself here. Also kids may want to do more activities as they get older - so is it just a no? What a dick.

He could facilitate it if he took leave, he must have at least 3 weeks leave he could use. If not 3 definitely 2.

do you work full time?

This timetable will change as they get older, this is just first of many time tables to work out. I don't think it's helpful for ppl to say he is controlling or selfish; the name-calling achieves nothing and we haven't even heard his side. Both sides advocate for their needs, that is natural.

Do insist that the kid's needs are paramount, and that also means achieving as predictable a pattern as possible.

Why are some of the weekends greyed out?
I definitely wouldn't agree to this. You don't have enough weekend time and the weekend is the time when you can actually do stuff rather than just the daily grind. I wouldn't agree to anything less than alternate weekends (the whole weekend). Also, your son is already going through a difficult change, why should he also have to give up something he enjoys when it can easily be worked around? Also the 5 day Christmas thing - absolutely no way.

He's being very selfish. He should be focusing on the kids needs & taking joint responsibility for healthcare/activities/play dates etc

I really wish parents would remember it's what is in the best interests of the child not what's in my best interests when sorting out childcare the amount of times I've had to suck it up for the sake of the children change things at the last minute pay over the odds for childcare because my ex couldn't get out of bed on "his" day to take them to school the phonecall its ds hospital appointment today have you forgotten? The snarks from him saying he hasn't forgotten (but he wasn't actually there) his abuse saying I was controlling so I didn't remind him the next time (i told him once sent him a copy of the letter) apparently that is also wrong

Ultimately this is what happened he prioritised him his life his wants and needs above all else the children struggled with losing out on parties activities etc etc now they are teenagers they don't want to know

Do not doubt yourself or feel bad in any way about centring the needs of your kids, around your kids. Don’t get pulled into having to defend, or give reasons.

I’ve done this in the past, bent myself into knots accommodating Ex with our kids, and our kids having to fit around him. It wasn’t good to do and I really regret doing it and not standing up for my kids security and wellbeing above all else. They need regular, secure, safe routines and lives especially following divorce.

Now my older DS still tries to fit himself around his father’s needs, and I feel like I enabled that. He had no role model who stood up to his Dad, his Dad’s ‘needs’ for football, or to not have to travel etc always came first.

Expect kick back but if I were you totally ignore it. Just repeat ‘this doesn’t work for the kids’ without any reasoning as he won’t care about the reasons.

The schedule looks like it should be every other weekend with dad to me. The Friday and Monday with him while spending Saturday and Sunday with you just look shoehorned in - especially if he can't finish work in time to collect them from school and do their activities Monday.

Moving home several times a week sounds pretty unpleasant for them. If the contact has to be every week would it be better to be every Fri/Sat with Dad as he has the early Friday finsh, and with you either Sat night or Sunday morning and through the rest of the week to Friday again so they have a routine and aren't living out of bags too-ing and fro-ing all the time?

Having them from evening/bedtime and returned a.m. just to equal bedtimes and avoid CMS shouldn't be an option.