Seeing H tomorrow and bricking it

[howtocope]

We've been separated for a year. I had hoped that the time apart would help our relationship, but we've spent no time together unless as a family. Over time I've realised that H stopped caring for me years ago and I just accepted less and less from him.

I think he's going to ask for a divorce tomorrow, which truthfully I now want too, but I'm dreading the conversation. Feeling sick, shaking when I think about it. We've been married over 30 years. I've never totally supported myself. I'm terrified and still processing how he could love me for so long and then not anymore.

Any words of wisdom? Tips for getting through this conversation? I feel sick just thinking about it. I don't want to shaking when we talk. I think he likes it when he can see that I'm upset.

No body can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Remove your emotion. Treat it as a business meeting. Show no emotion. Take notes. Make it quick. Do not go off topic. Go home and ring a friend/have a wine.

Do you have to see him? I’d consider telling him by email or text that you’d like to start the divorce process and does he want to start the process or should you ? That way you can feel what you want in private without being conscious of him knowing you’re upset or whatever.

Think about where you'd like to be in a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, whatever time frame is helpful for letting you think about this as (ultimately) positive progression from where you are today (and also some practical questions)

Oh that's horrible, I'm sorry x

i would pick 3/4 horrible things he's said/done & try to focus on his nasty side. To try to stop me getting upset.

i cry easily & I hate it because I feel it makes me look weak & vulnerable, even when I'm angry, not upset. I've tried a few 'tricks' but they don't work for me.

Also try thinking about the reasons you're also thinking divorce is the best option.

Be as emotionless as you possibly can be, but at the end of the day, it's only him, & only a short time then you can get on with your life.

you say you've never supported yourself before etc, how has this last year been? Has he been contributing? How old are your children??

This makes a lot of sense. If you’ve decided you want to divorce then you take the control back, particularly if you feel he’d be getting satisfaction from seeing you upset.

Whether he genuinely would or whether you maybe feel that way due to the emotion of it all I’d look into getting some therapy to help you get though it.

H has continued to pay for everything during the separation. My flat was purchased after we sold the family home. He said he would buy a two bed flat but decided to move into a one bed rental we own. He spent a small fortune doing it up last year so I assume he's planning to stay there.

When we met he was unemployed and in a lot of debt. He now makes a fortune. Everything we have we built together. I did everything for him, the family and 95% of the parenting. Our youngest is now 18 and preparing for uni. I can't believe that I'm about to lose financial stability and be leaving alone. I've been dreading the empty nest for years but had no idea it would be this empty.

In preparation for the empty nest I started training for a new career about five years ago. It's going very well, but pays a pittance at the moment. It's a creative role and needs time to build. I think H will be fair about the finances, but I also thought that we'd be growing old together.

I'm not a complete doormat and have spoken to solicitors. I'm seeing a counselor. I think, from the outside, it looks like I'm flourishing. My flat is about 1/3 the size of the family home, but it's comfortable & cosy. DD lives with me. This new career is progressing. It's just inside that I feel helpless. I don't know how to get ahead of this situation.

I thought about not agreeing to speak to him but I think after 30 years and for the sake of the kids (who know he's asked to speak to me) I should go. I'm planning to be as unemotional as possible, but he knows how to push my buttons.

If he’s emotionally abusive my advice would be to not offer him any information about your emotions so keep as much of a poker face as you can muster. Prepare some answers to what you think he might say. Don’t expect to get closure from him.

Think carefully about what you want out of the meeting and focus on that.

Personally I would ask about his thoughts re splitting the finances but do not give away information about what you hope for. Just say ‘I will have to think about that’. This can help you strategise later if you need to.

Don’t agree to any financial proposals during the actual meeting.
(you will need time to consider)

Either get in early and ask for the divorce, or let him do all the speaking.

Take notes as he waffles on (and on..). When he’s finished, snap your notebook shut, look at him over your glasses and say ‘Thanks I’ll get back to you’,

If he queries your comment, just say that you’re seeking professional advice and that ‘You’ll get back to him’ <stern look>

Oh gosh what a sad situation. Don't agree anything in the meeting, say you need to think about it. Because actually you really do. And

And then work out what's best for you. And go for it.

Nah, don’t give him his fun. Do it by email.

Take the wind out of his sails. Be ready for the most likely topic of conversation, ie divorce. Agree to it immediately without a discussion and suggest to him you both get lawyers to work out the details.

What else is there to talk about?

Let him speak and if he mentions divorce say yes that's a good idea. Don't cry, don't plead or beg. If this is what he wants then what can you do?

Regarding your job, are you sure it will bring in a decent income? I can't emphasise enough how important finances are when you are a single parent.

Regarding finances when you are divorced, just keep saying to your ex-husband that you will leave that up to solicitors.

A few practical suggestions -

sit nearest the door - so that you can leave quickly if things get too overwhelming
I like the idea of a pen and notebook - gives your hands something to do and you can keep you head down if you need to

Where are you meeting - hopefully neutral ground ? If not, re-arrange so it is neutral ground. Definitely not at your home - you really do need the option of being able to walk out.

Practise saying a couple of phrases -
well that's food for thought
I'll need to sleep on this
I will be asking advise on this
I'm sure you don't expect me to give you a firm answer either way right now

Good luck

Thanks so much everyone. Woke up with a horrible, tight chest this morning.

We're meeting in a local park. He wanted to come to my flat but I knew that was a bad idea. I suggested a cafe, but he said it would be too busy, so I think he's expecting me to cry. When he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore, it was in a restaurant and I cried my eyes out, which embarrassed him.

My plan is to be as neutral as possible. I like the idea of a pen and notebook, but I think my hands will be shaking. My plan is to keep them in my pockets. Very glad I'll be wearing my big coat.

I want to keep it as brief as possible. I'll hear what he has to say, then go. Part of my anxiety is that I'm not sure what he's going to say. I think he's going to talk divorce, but what if he wants to reconcile? I don't want to be with him anymore, but that would mess with my head. Or what if there's someone else. Actually, I'm being stupid. There probably is someone else. God, I feel like I've made so much progress in the last year, then one text from him and I'm in turmoil. I hate that he has this effect on me.

As to the new career, it's definitely not guaranteed but it feels like my best shot. I applied for lots of jobs in the last year or so, interviewed for two and haven't had a single offer. One of them was a volunteer role just to try to get some current experience on my CV. I've had my CV professionally written, registered with job sites, applied for everything from part time school admin to funeral arranger to publishing internships and even the job I did 20 years ago. Nothing. I'm now concentrating on building this new career, still applying for other things, but the focus is on building this up into something that will support me.

You honestly sound like you're in a great situation you should be really proud! Tomorrow is the beginning of a new exciting chapter for you and being married will protect you financially. It doesn't sound like he plans to be horrible about money either.

Advice:

Can you take someone with you to support you?

I used to take a rock in my pocket to hold and remind me I was ok

Plan filler things to say - I'm not making any decisions today, I'll get back to you in that, can you put that in an email

I promised myself coffee and cake after each meeting.

Also saying this gently to you , be prepared for him saying he wants to be more formal ( divorce ) because he has met someone . If so , and you say you have also been thinking along the lines of divorce , try to see that as a positive.
You no longer have to wonder if divorce is the right way to go . He has proved it is .

Good luck for today op, 💐

I hope it goes well. Just wanted to add don’t mention solicitors, or taking advice. He will likely attack you for this and guilt you into saying you will do it amicably. Just say you will need to think about everything. Don’t give anything away.

Even if you trust him, remember he’s your opponent once you begin divorce proceedings and the meakest man can turn into a monster. Often cheered on in the background by new partner. I know this from bitter experience.

I want to keep it as brief as possible. I'll hear what he has to say, then go.

This is a good plan OP. Listen to what he has to say. Don't agree to anything.

Good luck

Agree with pp’s do not be pushed into making decisions or revealing your hand.
if he says he wants a divorce say ok. Do not tell him or agree to make any decisions today, say you need time to think.

and then get a very good Rottweiler lawyer. It doesn’t matter how amicable he says he wants to be. You are now out to secure your life.

as for jobs, have you looked at any companies that offer return to work kind of jobs? Have you told friends and family you want to return to work? I took on a friend for a temp position in a company I worked at and from that experience it was a springboard to move into the career she really wanted she developed her career fast and really well she just needed one recent work experience to start her off.

Hello - in case it helps, this is a good current thread, feel free to join! A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future

What do YOU want? You say you want a divorce too, so focus on that. How do you see your life being in a year, two, five? Focus on that.

People fall out of love for many reasons. Don't waste time wondering about why your ex feels a certain way.

Get all the practical stuff out of the way. Start the divorce. Sort out money. Good luck!