Seeing H tomorrow and bricking it

[howtocope]

We've been separated for a year. I had hoped that the time apart would help our relationship, but we've spent no time together unless as a family. Over time I've realised that H stopped caring for me years ago and I just accepted less and less from him.

I think he's going to ask for a divorce tomorrow, which truthfully I now want too, but I'm dreading the conversation. Feeling sick, shaking when I think about it. We've been married over 30 years. I've never totally supported myself. I'm terrified and still processing how he could love me for so long and then not anymore.

Any words of wisdom? Tips for getting through this conversation? I feel sick just thinking about it. I don't want to shaking when we talk. I think he likes it when he can see that I'm upset.

Saw H. I was calm. Didn't cry or get upset when he said there was nothing between us anymore, just agreed. He said all the 'right' words: that he wants it to be amicable, he doesn't hate me, hopes we can remain friends, he wants to be fair to me financially. He's good at saying the right words. I just listened for the most part.

I said we should use solicitors. He agreed. Then he told me not to say anything to the kids about this without him. The kids are 21 and 18. The youngest lives with me. I said they both knew that he'd ask to speak to me and would want to know what happened. He wasn't happy about that.

I said that I didn't want to lie or keep his secrets and that I wouldn't vet what I say to the kids through him, that I would be appropriately honest with them. I've come to realise that I spent a lot of time facilitating his relationship with the kids over the years, making excuses for his behaviour, even defending him. I'm obviously not doing that anymore.

I came home and filed for divorce.

Thank you all for your advice and support. It really made a difference.

Well done. Today was a triumph for you and shows exactly how far you've come.

Oh well done you should be so proud of yourself.

He doesn’t get to control you anymore, what you say or how you live.

You are right not to trust what he says. Wait and see.

Well done you

Well done OP. You should feel immensely proud of yourself. Onwards and upwards from here out.

Good for you op, 👏

This!
"I'll have to think about that."
Then take time to think through any proposals he does make. From my own experience, that meant at least 3 days. That's the time I used to take during my divorce - things would occur to me throughout the whole three days. I'm a slow but thorough thinker!

Then think carefully about your reply to any proposal, and what you think would be fair to you. This will be what you aim for, though it may be you may end up having to compromise - eventually.

What a woman!

Good for you - standing up to him about your children

💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
Bravo!

Onwards and upwards.

I do honestly think this will be onwards and upwards. Like a new beginning. Well done.

Well done

althiugh I think in many ways he’s right to want to talk to children together. They may be adults but still shouldn’t be drawn into the ins and outs of their parents divorce and this you both discuss/agree/disagree shouldn’t be put to them

I guess what I mean is your children shouldn’t be used as confidantes to discuss your thoughts/emotions/feelings etc about your divorce - that’s what friends should be for.
your children still have two parents who they love

its sad but sometimes relationships just fail over time. Doesn’t make people bad. Of course, we don’t know what’s gone on in your marriage but wanting to end it doesn’t by default make him shit. It’s possible that over time you can come out of this both being friendly if not friends.

Yes, I completely agree about the kids not being confidantes. I never mean on them emotionally, but have also noticed that if they don't have some idea of what's happening it creates a big elephant in the room and a lot of anxiety. H doesn't talk to them about anything emotional at all. When he says he wants to talk to them together he means he wants to sit there while I talk to them and say what he's told me to say, which usually involves me taking all or sharing the responsibility when he's done something wrong. I don't want to do that anymore.

That sounds like an unhealthy dynamic that you are well out of.

Well done for yesterday. Onward and upward!

Your ex sounds awful. Thankfully you’re not his hand puppet anymore.

As a side note my Ex wanted me to agree to tell everyone that we had ‘grew apart’. He was sexually abusive and had an affair.

These men live in some sort of parallel universe.