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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

50/50 childcare - Moving

82 replies

Nimbus1999 · 01/01/2024 18:01

Hi, I’m weighing up moving to a new area which would be 20 mins / 12 miles away from where my ex lives. We have 50/50 custody on a 5522 basis. One DC wouldn’t have to change schools (already travels to the area) but the other DC would have to change (new school is outstanding).

Does anyone do this? Does it work? Is 20 mins too far? Would it be totally unreasonable to uproot everyone to move 12 miles? My DC is due to start secondary school next year so I would try to do it before the start of the school year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 01/01/2024 23:11

I’ve asked him if he would consider moving out of current area…. We shall see.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 02/01/2024 07:20

OP

if he does agree to this soon, it may be that you can make a late change to your application. Some LAs have a period where late changes are possible and, whilst not as advantaged as an on time application, it is better than making an application in sept to move schools.

However, given the distance, it seems unlikely you would be allocated this school before a move, or even be particularly high up the waiting list.

What do you see as the timings for
your move?

NewyearNewyear2024 · 02/01/2024 08:40

In my city, nearly every single school is over-subscribed in every year group so if you can find out the situation in the area you want to go to in advance it would help. Out of 25 secondary schools, only two have spaces, and you would not particularly want to send your child to either of them. Some people move into the area for the school and can’t get in even on appeal.

barkymcbark · 02/01/2024 08:43

I moved secondary school halfway through the first year and it was horrendous and impacted my friendship groups and behaviour really badly. I swore I'd never do that to my own dc. I think you need to think long and hard about why you are doing this and if really is in the best interests of the dc

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 09:38

barkymcbark · 02/01/2024 08:43

I moved secondary school halfway through the first year and it was horrendous and impacted my friendship groups and behaviour really badly. I swore I'd never do that to my own dc. I think you need to think long and hard about why you are doing this and if really is in the best interests of the dc

I’m not intending to move halfway through the secondary school, I was intending to move before she even started. So to start a new school at the same time as everyone else in Sep. As I said, her current primary school friends will be going to lots of different schools anyway (grammar area) so she might not be with them anyway. There is a risk of a large waiting list in the new school, I would obviously fully investigate first. But no point if unreasonable to move in first place! I’m just weighing up options at this stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 09:40

NewyearNewyear2024 · 02/01/2024 08:40

In my city, nearly every single school is over-subscribed in every year group so if you can find out the situation in the area you want to go to in advance it would help. Out of 25 secondary schools, only two have spaces, and you would not particularly want to send your child to either of them. Some people move into the area for the school and can’t get in even on appeal.

I will enquire about the waiting list when the schools go back but it seems like it is not going to be on the cards anyway.

OP posts:
Beckafett · 02/01/2024 09:48

Is the reason you want to move so your children can go to better schools?

SheilaFentiman · 02/01/2024 10:03

There won’t be a waiting list yet for sep 2024, as school allocations haven’t happened yet! Presumably you have completed the form based on your current location for the local “requires improvement” school???

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:21

SheilaFentiman · 02/01/2024 10:03

There won’t be a waiting list yet for sep 2024, as school allocations haven’t happened yet! Presumably you have completed the form based on your current location for the local “requires improvement” school???

I’ve asked for the year 6 waiting list, just to have a rough idea. Obviously it won’t be the same as year 7 but may be some indication.

Yes, have completed the application based on current needing improvement local school. So would have to submit a mid-year application after 1 March to be added to waiting list.

Yes - move area because of a much better school and also a much better lifestyle for families.

My ex won’t talk about his thoughts on moving to a different area. It wasn’t an outright no though so some positives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:23

I wouldn’t know anyone in the new area either, it would just be me and the kids. Looks like a nice community though as a new development and lots of people moving in.

OP posts:
Whinge · 02/01/2024 12:30

Yes - move area because of a much better school and also a much better lifestyle for families.

Take away the school because there's a very good chance you won't get a place, and if you do you could be waiting years.

Which leaves lifestyle. It would be ridiculous to uproot happy settled children and remove them from their friendship group, just because you think the new area might provide a better lifestyle for families.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:40

Whinge · 02/01/2024 12:30

Yes - move area because of a much better school and also a much better lifestyle for families.

Take away the school because there's a very good chance you won't get a place, and if you do you could be waiting years.

Which leaves lifestyle. It would be ridiculous to uproot happy settled children and remove them from their friendship group, just because you think the new area might provide a better lifestyle for families.

Yes, it wouldn’t work unless they got a place at the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:43

We’ve moved schools before (years ago when married) as we moved house. Both children flourished in the new school and made new friends and also kept old friends. We were on a waiting list and it didn’t take years. Obviously, I wouldn’t move if absolutely no chance of getting into the new school. I am researching. All of this would only be if there was a school place. And now, if ex agrees to move too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:45

Is it really that wrong to want a better life for our children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:52

For example, we currently live in a small town. Not much going on for teenagers. The new area there is a lot more happening, cinema, shopping, ice skating etc. More interesting for my eldest than our current small town with nothing. All his friends go to (another) school in the new area and often go out for food etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 12:53

They never go out in our current town.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 02/01/2024 13:13

lunar1 · 01/01/2024 21:39

I wouldn't move a happy child away from their friends, and environment unless I had absolutely no choice.

Better on paper doesn't mean anything for individual children. My children's friendships are what make them happy to go to school every day.

I agree. I would object if I was the other parent.

piscofrisco · 02/01/2024 13:23

If it's actually only 20 minutes then fine. If these 12 miles take an hour then not so fine.
Dh's ex wife moved an hour and ten minutes away from us. It's a nightmare for everyone except her.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 02/01/2024 13:43

helpfulperson · 01/01/2024 20:44

But surely this isn't just your decision. Their father, who has 50 % care has an equal say in their schooling

This. Why are you discussing here first Op, than discussing need for child to change schools first. If that’s the driver, that’s a joint decision. You present the pros and cons, he responded , you agree

if it’s the right school for child, and public transport is good for child to make their own way there eventually then that’s the driver to start thinking about where, then, to move to .

Whinge · 02/01/2024 13:45

Is it really that wrong to want a better life for our children?

But nothing you've said indicates it would be a better life. They seem to have a lovely life at the moment.

All his friends go to (another) school in the new area and often go out for food etc. They never go out in our current town.

You're only 20 minutes away and it seems as though public transport is pretty good if he travels in for school. Living a little further out doesn't seem to affect his friendships, so moving isn't going to make much of a difference.

mewkins · 02/01/2024 13:53

I'd have that discussion with your dc and their dad. I think it's worth doing for a better school as long as dc are happy with it. My dd goes to school in the next town (only a few miles away but she has to walk to the bus stop and get the bus so it's a fair schlep) because it's a good school and where she got a place. Her friends are from various towns and villages around - if they want to meet up there's always a way and people willing to share lifts etc.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 14:29

Appleofmyeye2023 · 02/01/2024 13:43

This. Why are you discussing here first Op, than discussing need for child to change schools first. If that’s the driver, that’s a joint decision. You present the pros and cons, he responded , you agree

if it’s the right school for child, and public transport is good for child to make their own way there eventually then that’s the driver to start thinking about where, then, to move to .

Show quote history

I did raise it with him but he refused to talk about it.

I was just trying to see what is reasonable / normal in 50/50 custodies.

No point in discussing with the children as if ex doesn’t agree, it wouldn’t happen.

Public transport from old area to new area takes about 45-50 mins so not too awful when he goes out there and has to get back home again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 14:30

Whinge · 02/01/2024 13:45

Is it really that wrong to want a better life for our children?

But nothing you've said indicates it would be a better life. They seem to have a lovely life at the moment.

All his friends go to (another) school in the new area and often go out for food etc. They never go out in our current town.

You're only 20 minutes away and it seems as though public transport is pretty good if he travels in for school. Living a little further out doesn't seem to affect his friendships, so moving isn't going to make much of a difference.

Their “lovely life” has to change though. As the family home has to be sold so we’re moving and my ex also has to move from his accommodation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with weighing up all options before we are committed for the next x number of years.

OP posts:
heartofglass23 · 02/01/2024 15:15

You should move for better schools anyway.

Don't bank on him sticking around.

Plenty of ex 50/50 dads move hundreds of miles away post split.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 02/01/2024 15:24

It’s hard to know what to do for the best. The 50/50 is only a very new arrangement and I was the primary carer for the 1.5 years before (and when we were married).

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