50/50 childcare - Moving

[Nimbus1999]

Hi, I’m weighing up moving to a new area which would be 20 mins / 12 miles away from where my ex lives. We have 50/50 custody on a 5522 basis. One DC wouldn’t have to change schools (already travels to the area) but the other DC would have to change (new school is outstanding).

Does anyone do this? Does it work? Is 20 mins too far? Would it be totally unreasonable to uproot everyone to move 12 miles? My DC is due to start secondary school next year so I would try to do it before the start of the school year.

Sometimes I'm torn, but I needed to get away from the area I lived in for a few reasons ,and we have 50/50.

I do a lot of driving back to the school 50% of the time but you won't have that issue come Sept..

I get a break in school holidays,just the odd social event to drive back to

I didn't want to change DS Primary school for a few reasons.
Everything feels easier when they start secondary. They make plans for after school some days and are more independent generally.

Generally starting secondary school is a time of big change anyway? Not all of the primary school friends will go to the local school in current location anyway, some will go to other schools in the new area. The odds of staying friends with primary school friends for the whole of secondary school are quite slim? So many new kids and new friendships to be made. When my eldest started secondary school he didn’t really know anyone and now has a nice group of friends. I understand that it’s nice to start secondary school with primary school friends though.

12 miles is doable but will both children be able to get to the new school when at the new house AND at exDH's house? It would be unfair to expect him to drive them there and back, if they are walking now or using school transport.

Oh I re read your original message

I wouldn't move him during year 6 ....

Just let him tour a new secondary and start in year 7 he won't be the only person who doesn't know people

I say this for a few reasons.

Broke me being moved in year 5😢
Then having to change schools again 18 months later for secondary is just too much for some

I’m not going to move in Year 6 - the plan is to wait until year 7. I will drive them to old school until then. I wouldn’t move them in year 6.

Thought so....I think it'll be fine
You cannot predict the future it's a gamble at any school
Hope your ex is ok with it 🙂 should be if the bus is reliable.

I guess it is unreasonable to expect ex to drive 20 mins (40 mins round trip) 5 days out of 14 to get DC to school…. It’s hard though as the school is much better and the new area has a lot to offer. I need to convince him to move too!

I think as the kids get older, from now onwards, enabling their independence is critical. Being able to travel freely between mum and dad, friends, social activities, school, these are all things they need to be able to do to remain happy in both houses.

It sounds like you want to move them as if you are the primary carer and dad can do the running around, but you're not, and the benefits you suggest need to our weight the impact on dad and not being in the same town.

If you have a court order in place re custody, and dad doesn't support the move the. You could end up with an expensive case in family courts to move them out of the jurisdiction. Which these days often fail.

If dad is in the town you're moving from and has 50/50, then it seems really unfair that you plan to relocate tbh. It is so much better for kids to have both their homes in the same town.

I might need a rethink then and just to stay put. It’s a very depressing thought though.

I also do 5522 ( didn't realise it was called that!!)
Have a 16 and 11 year old,
Works really really well, the main reason for that being me and ex live in the same village , (also the same village as the schools)
16 year old has developed quite a good social circle and it doesn't matter whose house he is at it remains the same.
Allows me and ex to be quite flexible with our arrangements, (can easily swap weekends etc] without disrupting his social plans.
He can also independently travel between our houses and school.

50:50 has the potential to be quite disruptive for children (especially as they become more independent) as they don't have a single place where they are based, which is why it was important for both me and exw to live in the same village
Helps that the schools in our village are excellent!

Speak to your ex he may also be willing to move to the same area to put your kids into better schools ?

We’re on extremely bad terms and I’m not convinced he puts their needs first….. but I will try.

Saw your update.
How does your DS currently get from his Dad's house to school on his Dad's days? If he uses public transport couldn't you DD also use public transport? It's not the same as if you were just moving to a new area, because you already have one DC in school in the new area and I'm assuming you don't want to move him, so I think it could make logistical sense and well as potential benefits from moving to a better school. That's only as long as XH isn't having to do a heap of driving on his days.

Would it effect extra curriculars? XH moved he's about 25 minutes from the kids school now. We have several nights a week between sport and training and swimming that he can't have them because the logistics don't work. Plus despite saying he'll use flex to finish earlier he WFH those afternoons and is largely absent. He only has them 2 nights one week and for the weekend the next week. Annoying it has meant hes had to get all the free school afternoons because anything else just wouldn't work.

Yes I'd say it's unreasonable, especially as it's 2x 40 min round trip 5 days a week. Fair enough if it was his decision to move but it's not.

Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he moved and changed the dc school and you were the one having to travel 20 minutes, 4 times a day to drop off and collect the dc from school?

At the beginning me and ex were also on quite difficult terms, but we always managed to put our differences to one side to ensure the kids needs were put first.
Guess it depends if he's interpretation of life is the same as yours, that a better area/school can significantly increase the quality of life of your children.
If you can agree on that then you have a good starting point.
Good luck

I’d probably move there myself too in this situation!

Agree with @YoBeaches

its not about you op
its about the childten
to be near both parents
to come and go
to have all their friends in one place
to be able to walk out the house on a weekend and meet friends not rely on lifts/transport etc

i mean it is doable if 100% necessary
but it’s far from ideal and tbh sounds more about you than them

snd it’s not reasonable no to move then expect ex to travel 5 days a week no

You say this move too, but let’s face it, in reality you wouldn’t. Easy to say do when not put in that position

If your child is going to secondary school next September, haven’t you missed the application deadline?

We both have to move next year anyway (selling family home). And yes, I absolutely would move if I thought it was better for my children.

My only hope is to convince him.

Yes, would have to do a mid-year application.

So if it’s an outstanding school it’s most likely oversubscribed and you'd have little chance of her getting a place. If that were the case, where would she go to school?

She would go to needing improvement school in current area until a space became available.

But it could take years for a space

“It sounds like you want to move them as if you are the primary carer and dad can do the running around, but you're not, and the benefits you suggest need to our weight the impact on dad and not being in the same town.”

Agree with this. Unless you and ex agree on the new location - which may work if you are both moving anyway - this will impact a lot on his ability to see the kids 50/50