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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Who has a whole week away from DC at xmas?

48 replies

New2Us · 25/12/2023 03:21

Trying to work out logistics.

DC live with me but Judge said to aim for 50:50 holidays and alternate half terms.

The judge didn't like children having to share the same day between two households at Christmas, so allocated Christmas with one parent and new year with the other parent, alternating every year.

It's been left wide open to 2 weeks Christmas holiday being divided as the Christmas parent getting the first week, and the new year parent getting the second week. This means there are no days for Christmas to be had with one parent, all week.

People say just have 2 Christmases but no child is going to want to do Christmas all over again in a week's time at New Year. It makes more sense to allocated only the day itself and share some of the actual week, so one parent has Christmas day and the other Christmas eve or Boxing Day, and one has NYE and the other New Year day.

Or not?

Oh, and just to complicate matters, ex is absolutely not workable with, and has a history of being narcissistic and abusive so I can't see it changing.

The way it works for the next decade is I don't get much time with DC and the way it falls on his weekends he gets either side of my Christmases but I get nothing on his!

I am pretty certain DC won't like that at all. I know I don't! I've been a bit unlucky with how the allocations sit with future days that Christmas week falls on, which makes it all really difficult to figure out how to do this.

How do other people navigate this? Please don't say compromise with ex as it's just not prepared to work with me. It's all about control.

OP posts:
Floopani · 25/12/2023 04:08

'It makes more sense to allocated only the day itself and share some of the actual week, so one parent has Christmas day and the other Christmas eve or Boxing Day, and one has NYE and the other New Year day.'

Yes this is what happened for years in my house until the DC were old enough to decide for themselves that they had other plans (late teens). Also try not to think too much about future Christmases and just take each one as it comes or it feels quite overwhelming. I did do the two Christmases thing when they were younger, but now I do more of a festive period approach - it really helped me to see Christmas as the whole holiday and then I didn't feel quite so focused and sad about Christmas day if I wasn't with DC.

wrigglewriggles · 25/12/2023 04:54

We have set dates over Christmas so 22-27 with one parent then 27-2 Jan with the other. This overrides any usual visitation days and gives us a week each.
Last year was the first for the children to be with their dad and I did a mini Christmas part two on their return to me - presents and their favourite foods/snacks as they're not big fans of Christmas dinner.

tribpot · 25/12/2023 06:26

no child is going to want to do Christmas all over again in a week's time at New Year.

We did this every year when I was a child. Complicated blended family involving three households many miles apart, one in another country. So I would do one Christmas with my mum and step-siblings and then we'd all go and do another one a week later with our other parent, and the following year the weeks would be reversed.

It all worked fine. Have you talked to your DC about it?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 25/12/2023 06:30

If he's not workable with set dates might be better. Depending on how he behaves less transitions might work better. Stbxh had them for the weekend, then I've got them 3 days then he's taking them to his parents till new years. I wish I'd stuck with the original plan that he'd pick them up boxing day in the afternoon, but I thought it might be good this year for them to see him just before Christmas. Regreting it as they came back full of all the nasty things he says about me. DD gets distressed and one or other of the boys often parrots some of his words back, I'm lazy, should get a job (I'm sick), how he pays for everything (paye zero child support) and how unfair this all is for HIM. It feels like he's abusing me by proxy. Doesn't really feel like Christmas here and next year he'll have them on Christmas day. I thought it would be nice not having him here for Christmas, but he's managed to taint everything anyway.

Cashyblonde · 25/12/2023 07:04

We had this for 10 years. He wouldn't communicate about presents. He wouldn't let the DC phone me but he would phone for tem for hours every day over Christmas dinner too. He slated me constantly to the DC.

Fast forward to today. The DC refuse to see him at all. They took note of everything that was going on and voted with their feet as soon as they were big enough to refuse to be dragged to his car.

Every year is the same. I still get a letter from his solicitor threatening something or other on the day solicitors close for the holidays, so he knows I will worry for a fortnight.

The DC are a lot more settled now. Unfortunately they don't like Christmas now but we will have a meal.

Don't worry about your Christmas dinner. We usually did ours in mid January. It doesn't have to be when they get back.

You will get through this. It's hard when the other parent does all the narcissistic stuff and you soon learn to predict what happens. It is horrible at the time, especially when everyone else seems to be having a lovely normal Christmas. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will all be ok in the end. There will be an end to it, but it won't feel like that to you now xx

CurlsLDN · 25/12/2023 07:13

Ds has last day of school to 26th with one parent, then goes to other parent 27th - 2nd.

you say no child will want to do Christmas twice - you couldn’t be more wrong! DS loves that he gets two christmasses, and many of his friends do too.

hes 10 now, we’ve been doing this since he was 2.

Rafalito · 25/12/2023 08:37

We do alternate years switching on the 26th and if it’s their year to be with their dad I recreate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at their request - I imagine this will change as they get older. My eldest is 13 and starting to protest at going to his dads but I am court ordered so….for the moment it has to be like this.

My ex used to refuse to discuss presents / let them call me etc and we did 3 sessions of mediation which massively helped - we are civil now and it’s better for everyone and we still return to mediation if we clash over anything.

It’s really hard. I’m sending you a hug x

MintJulia · 25/12/2023 09:03

We do a week each too.

I generally have ds from 18th - 25th. Ex collects ds on Boxing day morning and returns him on NYE. DS loves doing Christmas twice.

I do 345 nights a year, plus all organising, schools, health, clothes etc, so I claim Christmas Day, and then ex doesn't want ds around on NYE because he wants to party.

I use the week in between to redecorate. Keeps me busy and we start the New Year with a clean & refreshed house.

Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:17

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 25/12/2023 06:30

If he's not workable with set dates might be better. Depending on how he behaves less transitions might work better. Stbxh had them for the weekend, then I've got them 3 days then he's taking them to his parents till new years. I wish I'd stuck with the original plan that he'd pick them up boxing day in the afternoon, but I thought it might be good this year for them to see him just before Christmas. Regreting it as they came back full of all the nasty things he says about me. DD gets distressed and one or other of the boys often parrots some of his words back, I'm lazy, should get a job (I'm sick), how he pays for everything (paye zero child support) and how unfair this all is for HIM. It feels like he's abusing me by proxy. Doesn't really feel like Christmas here and next year he'll have them on Christmas day. I thought it would be nice not having him here for Christmas, but he's managed to taint everything anyway.

I'm so sorry about this. I know EXACTLY what you mean about him managing to taint it even though we are in separate homes. I am having the same experience here too. The DC come home literally to recover, I think. My eldest thanked me sincerely for not dissing Dad, like he disses me all the time, and sounded so tired of it all.

Ugh. When does it all end?!

OP posts:
Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:22

Cashyblonde · 25/12/2023 07:04

We had this for 10 years. He wouldn't communicate about presents. He wouldn't let the DC phone me but he would phone for tem for hours every day over Christmas dinner too. He slated me constantly to the DC.

Fast forward to today. The DC refuse to see him at all. They took note of everything that was going on and voted with their feet as soon as they were big enough to refuse to be dragged to his car.

Every year is the same. I still get a letter from his solicitor threatening something or other on the day solicitors close for the holidays, so he knows I will worry for a fortnight.

The DC are a lot more settled now. Unfortunately they don't like Christmas now but we will have a meal.

Don't worry about your Christmas dinner. We usually did ours in mid January. It doesn't have to be when they get back.

You will get through this. It's hard when the other parent does all the narcissistic stuff and you soon learn to predict what happens. It is horrible at the time, especially when everyone else seems to be having a lovely normal Christmas. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will all be ok in the end. There will be an end to it, but it won't feel like that to you now xx

They did refuse to see him but then, when he enticed them back, because more pro-Dad for a while.

DS told me that he doesn't want to go to him Dad at the moment, yet he games with Dad and talks ever so nicely to him on the phone, and doesn't refuse to go anymore. Yet he says his childhood is ruined now. I guess I'm trying to stop that from being true, and your words of hope that it will be ok in the end, does help a little.

OP posts:
AndDrSamBeckettNeverReturnedHome · 25/12/2023 09:23

Agree with the set days, this is much fairer and allows you to plan.

But I disagree about not having two Christmases, mine have always had three and they love everyone equally. We have Christmas, then Christmas on the day before New Year and then Christmas on the first Sunday in Jan. They love it.

Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:24

CurlsLDN · 25/12/2023 07:13

Ds has last day of school to 26th with one parent, then goes to other parent 27th - 2nd.

you say no child will want to do Christmas twice - you couldn’t be more wrong! DS loves that he gets two christmasses, and many of his friends do too.

hes 10 now, we’ve been doing this since he was 2.

Oh! I AM surprised! I struggled to get them to do two this year and that was with it falling on sharing Christmas (one parent has Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day). I assumed if they found it hard to cope with that then they'd never go for the whole week after, which is how it falls most years that they don't have Christmas with me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/12/2023 09:25

You need to have the EOW suspended during the school holidays.

Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:31

Rafalito · 25/12/2023 08:37

We do alternate years switching on the 26th and if it’s their year to be with their dad I recreate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at their request - I imagine this will change as they get older. My eldest is 13 and starting to protest at going to his dads but I am court ordered so….for the moment it has to be like this.

My ex used to refuse to discuss presents / let them call me etc and we did 3 sessions of mediation which massively helped - we are civil now and it’s better for everyone and we still return to mediation if we clash over anything.

It’s really hard. I’m sending you a hug x

Funnily enough he refuses mediation. But I am interested in how it works when they break up on 22nd. Does one have 22-25th and the other 26th to the end of the holiday? I could see me getting 3 days out of 2 weeks if so! 🙈

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/12/2023 09:40

Usually in a CAO 50:50 holidays overrrides the term time arrangements. You need to check exactly how it is written and if he doesn't agree then you may have to go back to court.

How old are your DC? As they get older what they want is listened to more.

Rafalito · 25/12/2023 09:47

We have a term time schedule where he gets 5 nights out of 14, split a long weekend from Thursday to Monday every other weekend and 1 night on the week ‘off’. Holidays we work out 50/50 depending on length. This year he’s got them 23-26 and then again on the 28-31. But we have equal number of nights. You are certainly entitled to 50/50 at the very least so if he’s ending up with more than that you might have to button up to go back to court as draining as that sounds for all…. Most lawyers would advise him to mediate before that because you’re asking for the bear minimum you’re entitled to.

I’m really sorry, this is all so hard. I still find it really hard 5 years on. I hope you’re ok today xxxx

Shiningout · 25/12/2023 09:55

Rafalito · 25/12/2023 08:37

We do alternate years switching on the 26th and if it’s their year to be with their dad I recreate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at their request - I imagine this will change as they get older. My eldest is 13 and starting to protest at going to his dads but I am court ordered so….for the moment it has to be like this.

My ex used to refuse to discuss presents / let them call me etc and we did 3 sessions of mediation which massively helped - we are civil now and it’s better for everyone and we still return to mediation if we clash over anything.

It’s really hard. I’m sending you a hug x

Mines only six but I've been through this and it worries me that even at 13 years old the child is still forced into an arrangement they don't want, I thought at that age their wishes were considered

Wish44 · 25/12/2023 09:56

One week each but agreed that we never swop until the 27th …. These things pan out over the years and with other holidays

we have “Second Christmas “ . It’s just part of normal life for the kids now. They love it!

Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:57

MintJulia · 25/12/2023 09:03

We do a week each too.

I generally have ds from 18th - 25th. Ex collects ds on Boxing day morning and returns him on NYE. DS loves doing Christmas twice.

I do 345 nights a year, plus all organising, schools, health, clothes etc, so I claim Christmas Day, and then ex doesn't want ds around on NYE because he wants to party.

I use the week in between to redecorate. Keeps me busy and we start the New Year with a clean & refreshed house.

I'd love that arrangement but sadly DC are weaponised and that means taken away from me at every available opportunity. I suppose that's why the judge imposed alternate Christmas vs New Year for their entire childhood. He manages to monopolise my week as well as his own, with literally calling them for hours at a time each day. Because he tried to claim parental alienation I am worried about restricting this. He gets he gets my week as well as his (under the guise of being what the DC want).

OP posts:
Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 09:58

AndDrSamBeckettNeverReturnedHome · 25/12/2023 09:23

Agree with the set days, this is much fairer and allows you to plan.

But I disagree about not having two Christmases, mine have always had three and they love everyone equally. We have Christmas, then Christmas on the day before New Year and then Christmas on the first Sunday in Jan. They love it.

This gives me so much hope! Thank you

OP posts:
AllIsWellish · 25/12/2023 09:58

Mine went on the 16th and come back on the 3rd, his in another country though. They are happy to have another Christmas on the day they get back

SecondUsername4me · 25/12/2023 10:01

When the holidays kick in, the EOW gets set aside.

Parent 1 - Christmas eve 9am to 9am on 28th (4 sleeps) - add one to this on years where they break up on 23rd and whoever is due to have them collects them from school
Parent 2 - 9am on 28th to 9am on 2nd Jan (5 sleeps) - reduce this by a night on years the child goes back to school on 2nd and then they sleep wherever they normally sleep on school nights.

Swap the next year.

Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 10:25

Floopani · 25/12/2023 04:08

'It makes more sense to allocated only the day itself and share some of the actual week, so one parent has Christmas day and the other Christmas eve or Boxing Day, and one has NYE and the other New Year day.'

Yes this is what happened for years in my house until the DC were old enough to decide for themselves that they had other plans (late teens). Also try not to think too much about future Christmases and just take each one as it comes or it feels quite overwhelming. I did do the two Christmases thing when they were younger, but now I do more of a festive period approach - it really helped me to see Christmas as the whole holiday and then I didn't feel quite so focused and sad about Christmas day if I wasn't with DC.

I'm interested in the way a spread out festive approach can be sold to the DC, do you all accept they have only one Christmas dinner and open your presents the week before or the week after, or do lots of duplications for 2 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 10:27

wrigglewriggles · 25/12/2023 04:54

We have set dates over Christmas so 22-27 with one parent then 27-2 Jan with the other. This overrides any usual visitation days and gives us a week each.
Last year was the first for the children to be with their dad and I did a mini Christmas part two on their return to me - presents and their favourite foods/snacks as they're not big fans of Christmas dinner.

So for them, this year, they were with Dad Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, then returned to you the day after Boxing Day to do it all again with you?
I can see how that might work if they embrace the two Christmas idea. So far, when I’ve talked to them they've been heavy and resigned and said their childhood is ruined by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
New2Us · 25/12/2023 10:29

tribpot · 25/12/2023 06:26

no child is going to want to do Christmas all over again in a week's time at New Year.

We did this every year when I was a child. Complicated blended family involving three households many miles apart, one in another country. So I would do one Christmas with my mum and step-siblings and then we'd all go and do another one a week later with our other parent, and the following year the weeks would be reversed.

It all worked fine. Have you talked to your DC about it?

I've tried to big it up as the luxury of two Christmases, instead of only one, meaning double presents, double treats, double parties, But they haven't fallen for it at all, and tell me, with a heavy heart, that it will never be the same again. When I ask them about activity choices or menu, choices, or even present choices, they have a 'shrug' type mentality. I think it is made all the harder to think of them spending all of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day with the other parent because one of them has told me recently. They don't even want to go to the other parent at the moment and they feel very guilty about that.

OP posts: