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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Brother now living with me after separation

38 replies

thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 16:49

Hello everyone. I just wanted some thoughts on how to handle my difficult situation. My brother (64) has separated from his wife (54) and left his wife and daughter (22) living in the martial home while he is staying with me in my small terraced house. Within going into all the detail, my brother has suffered years of emotional abuse from his wife and this culminated in him fleeing the house in November 2022. So he’s now lived with me for over a year and shows no signs of moving out. We get along well and I honestly don’t mind him being around, but I don’t want to live with him forever! If it wasn’t for his daughter he would just split the proceeds from the sale of the house and go their separate ways but half the proceeds of the house would just about buy a one bedroomed flat in this area. His daughter has anxiety issues and doesn’t work and of course it’s her home too so he wants to minimise the impact this is having on her and he doesn’t want her with nowhere to live. He has a plan to buy his wife out and then leave her to get a mortgage to obtain enough money to buy a place that wife and daughter can live in and he moves back into his house (he couldn’t get a mortgage due to him being retired and his age is against him). BUT he hasn’t got the money to buy her out at the moment … so his ‘plan’ is to live with me until he gets the money together. Meanwhile she’s got the run of the martial house while he’s crushed up in my box room. I cannot see a way out anytime soon… is this plan madness and is he being unreasonable to expect me to put him up for at least another year? I couldn’t possibly tell him to leave but I feel really trapped. What would you do?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 20/12/2023 16:55

I'd ask for a sit down meeting between you two where he lays his plan out for you. Rather than 'I've a vague plan about x'

If it sounds ok then give him as long as you're happy with.
If it sounds pathetic, tell him so and ask what his next plan is.

Basically. His wife is happy, his dd is happy, he's happier. And you've got an unwelcome tenant.

Whatever the plan is, keep checking up on it. If he's just robbing you off then he might as well just go and rent independently if nothing is actually going to change.

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:57

how on earth is he planning on getting the money together at 64?

i am guessing he’s not all that highly paid

Bogeyes · 20/12/2023 16:57

The daughter is big enough to look after herself. Her anxiety should not be a problem for her dad. He needs to start looking out for himself.

Spottywombat · 20/12/2023 16:57

He could get equity release?

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:57

so you live alone?

is he contributing anything?

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:58

Bogeyes · 20/12/2023 16:57

The daughter is big enough to look after herself. Her anxiety should not be a problem for her dad. He needs to start looking out for himself.

i’m guessing hoping you don’t have children

tescocreditcard · 20/12/2023 17:00

Everyone is happy here and getting what they want. Except you. And you're the one doing all the work.

they need to sell the house and split the proceeds. If his dd has to sleep in the lounge in her mums new one bedroom house then that's up to her. Or she could apply for supported living accommodation if she's eligible.

If you don't want him there another year you need to give him a cut-off date.

The other thing is, he doesn't have to live with you anyway does he? Can't he get a room lodging in someone elses house? Try spareroom.com

BornIn78 · 20/12/2023 17:10

Regardless of whether they sell the house and split the proceeds, or whether your brother buys his wife out, his wife and daughter will still be in the same position - with the wife needing to take a mortgage and buy somewhere else with 2 bedrooms for her and the daughter to live.

This ‘plan’ seems to be all about your brother coming out of this with what he wants, i.e. the marital home for himself. But he has no money to actually execute this grand plan?

And I’ll bet he’s sponging off you in the meantime. Why hasn’t he rented his own place by now?

What would you do?

I’d tell him it’s been a year, living with you was only meant as a temporary favour, and it’s time for him to leave.

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 20:19

Yes you are totally right … it is about what he wants … at my expense! But I feel for him as he paid for the house outright with zero contribution from her but as his wife she is of course now entitled to half of it. He doesn’t want to give up the house he paid for and go and live in a one bedroomed flat basically. He’s suffered enough throughout his marriage so I have happily stepped up to help him … but now it’s already been a year and I see no end to it. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 20:23

He’s looked into equity release but they won’t do it well the house is jointly owned.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2023 20:25

What do you mean by 'he paid for the house outright with zero contribution from her.' ?

FictionalCharacter · 20/12/2023 20:30

He doesn’t want to give up the house he paid for and go and live in a one bedroomed flat basically
Well he’ll have to won’t he, like other people have to when they split up with their spouses.

Ilikewinter · 20/12/2023 20:35

As awful as it sounds I think he needs to cut his loses and move on. If all he can afford is a 1 bedroom flat then so be it. You say hes retired so clearly isnt going to earn enough money to buy her out of the house. And if shes been abusive then I very much doubt she is going to willingly leave, especially as shes currently living mortgage/rent free. I can see this situation drifting on and on.

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 21:12

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2023 20:25

What do you mean by 'he paid for the house outright with zero contribution from her.' ?

I mean just that. He bought the house out of the savings he had before marriage and put in their joint names. He then supported her financially - she didn’t work and made no other contribution to the household ie. He paid for a cleaner, did the shopping and most of the cooking after work, and did all the washing and ironing at weekends while she ‘studied’ (which he also paid for her courses.) I know on paper he sounds like the biggest fool for putting up with her, but she is a master at manipulation and after they had a child he didn’t want to leave. I guess over the years he just became entrenched. It’s typically women who find themselves trapped in abusive relationships but not in this case.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2023 21:19

Two things from your post -

First thing, if he bought the house out if his own savings before their life together, I'm not sure it's a joint asset. I might be wrong. But when me and my ex split, the part of his pension he acquired before we got together was separated out. I was fine with that, it was nothing to do with me. So it might be worth getting advise on that.

Second thing, you missed a big chunk of 'unpaid for work' out of their respective contributions. Who did the child care of a child who has anxieties?

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 21:22

Ilikewinter · 20/12/2023 20:35

As awful as it sounds I think he needs to cut his loses and move on. If all he can afford is a 1 bedroom flat then so be it. You say hes retired so clearly isnt going to earn enough money to buy her out of the house. And if shes been abusive then I very much doubt she is going to willingly leave, especially as shes currently living mortgage/rent free. I can see this situation drifting on and on.

Yes I totally agree. The question is how to handle it without creating an awkward situation? I don’t want to fall out with him or him think I’m not being supportive when he’s in a desperate position. I was trying to find a way of not kicking him out but also not leaving the situation to go on for years….. maybe there isn’t an answer, and it’s just one or the other!?

OP posts:
Fairygoblin · 20/12/2023 21:28

I could maybe understand his stance if daughter was a minor but she's 22!!! Time for her to find her feet and be independent anyway. They need to sell the house and all move on

HerMammy · 20/12/2023 21:31

Your brother needs to sort himself out, his DD is 22, not a child.
He needs to get divorced and get the house sold and move forward.
He'll not be doing anything wrong.
Surely you can have a conversation about his plans without being too harsh.

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 21:41

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2023 21:19

Two things from your post -

First thing, if he bought the house out if his own savings before their life together, I'm not sure it's a joint asset. I might be wrong. But when me and my ex split, the part of his pension he acquired before we got together was separated out. I was fine with that, it was nothing to do with me. So it might be worth getting advise on that.

Second thing, you missed a big chunk of 'unpaid for work' out of their respective contributions. Who did the child care of a child who has anxieties?

No he didn’t buy the house before their marriage. They married and then returned from living overseas and he bought the house outright from his savings (she didnt have any) and placed it in their joint names. You make a good point but I think in this case it would be classed as joint owned because they were married when he paid for it?
Yes I hear what you are saying about child care and I don’t mean to dismiss this or not recognise it as a massive contribution in a relationship. She did care for their daughter pre-school age but after that he was the one who took their daughter to school and back and did all the weekend activities and drop offs/pick me ups etc. DD developed anxiety problems late teens not during childhood.

OP posts:
Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 21:47

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:57

so you live alone?

is he contributing anything?

Yes I live alone and he does cover his living expenses, but obviously pays less to me than he would for renting a place of his own.

OP posts:
TheABC · 20/12/2023 21:49

I can't see any way around this except to divorce and split the assets. Whilst I feel for DD, she is 22 and needs to seek treatment/therapy for her anxiety if its impacting her life to this extent. A 22 year old can get work placement experience and start a career. The longer she leaves it, the longer it will take for her to build up experience.

Canthave2manycats · 20/12/2023 21:49

He needs to consult a good solicitor and see where he stands.

His daughter is 22, and he is 64, so he needs to make plans for the rest of his life.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2023 21:52

While it's difficult his daughter has anxiety your brother is 64, he doesn't have years to twiddle his thumbs in your box room to sort this out. I know 64 isn't old but the number of people who start having significant health issue in their late 60s is pretty high.

XmasPartyhat · 20/12/2023 21:53

What happens with his divorce and his house is absolutely none of your concern.

What is your concern is that he has overstayed his welcome with you. Give him a reasonable date to move out by. He can secure a rental property within 2-3 months. Where he lives and what he does is not your problem. You have helped him more than enough.

tescocreditcard · 20/12/2023 22:36

He then supported her financially - she didn’t work and made no other contribution to the household ie. He paid for a cleaner, did the shopping and most of the cooking after work, and did all the washing and ironing at weekends while she ‘studied’ (which he also paid for her courses.)

A word of caution OP - many men say this. You've only heard one side of the story.

You know you've only got two options really. Put up with it for a long long time or ask him to leave. I predict that you'll put up with it for another 2-3 years before you say something. Because you want to be "nice".

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