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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Brother now living with me after separation

38 replies

thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 16:49

Hello everyone. I just wanted some thoughts on how to handle my difficult situation. My brother (64) has separated from his wife (54) and left his wife and daughter (22) living in the martial home while he is staying with me in my small terraced house. Within going into all the detail, my brother has suffered years of emotional abuse from his wife and this culminated in him fleeing the house in November 2022. So he’s now lived with me for over a year and shows no signs of moving out. We get along well and I honestly don’t mind him being around, but I don’t want to live with him forever! If it wasn’t for his daughter he would just split the proceeds from the sale of the house and go their separate ways but half the proceeds of the house would just about buy a one bedroomed flat in this area. His daughter has anxiety issues and doesn’t work and of course it’s her home too so he wants to minimise the impact this is having on her and he doesn’t want her with nowhere to live. He has a plan to buy his wife out and then leave her to get a mortgage to obtain enough money to buy a place that wife and daughter can live in and he moves back into his house (he couldn’t get a mortgage due to him being retired and his age is against him). BUT he hasn’t got the money to buy her out at the moment … so his ‘plan’ is to live with me until he gets the money together. Meanwhile she’s got the run of the martial house while he’s crushed up in my box room. I cannot see a way out anytime soon… is this plan madness and is he being unreasonable to expect me to put him up for at least another year? I couldn’t possibly tell him to leave but I feel really trapped. What would you do?

OP posts:
thevoiceofreasoning · 20/12/2023 23:20

tescocreditcard · 20/12/2023 22:36

He then supported her financially - she didn’t work and made no other contribution to the household ie. He paid for a cleaner, did the shopping and most of the cooking after work, and did all the washing and ironing at weekends while she ‘studied’ (which he also paid for her courses.)

A word of caution OP - many men say this. You've only heard one side of the story.

You know you've only got two options really. Put up with it for a long long time or ask him to leave. I predict that you'll put up with it for another 2-3 years before you say something. Because you want to be "nice".

No they live local and I witnessed their relationship first hand - if anything he’s played it down.
But you are probably right in your prediction!

OP posts:
Ariela · 20/12/2023 23:25

Has he seen a solicitor or taken any steps towards a divorce?

velvetoptions · 21/12/2023 07:36

do you have an relationship with your niece?

does your brother?

velvetoptions · 21/12/2023 07:38

He is 64

still works full time?
whats his pension like?
level of income from job?
savings?

i will take a punt
no he doesn’t work or only part time
his pension is piddley
no job or low income

no savings

in which case, how on earth does he hope to get “a plan” together to buy a property?

thevoiceofreasoning · 21/12/2023 10:08

Ariela · 20/12/2023 23:25

Has he seen a solicitor or taken any steps towards a divorce?

Not yet but he plans on doing in the new year

OP posts:
thevoiceofreasoning · 21/12/2023 10:15

velvetoptions · 21/12/2023 07:36

do you have an relationship with your niece?

does your brother?

yes we both have a relationship with my niece, but I am unfortunately not that close to her as her mum wouldn’t allow me in her life too much. The mum is toxic and deliberately told lies about me to put her off seeing me.
Brother has also been pushed out but he calls in to see his DD most days and invites her on days out etc. sometimes she goes put sometimes she stays in her room. It breaks my heart.

OP posts:
thevoiceofreasoning · 21/12/2023 10:36

velvetoptions · 21/12/2023 07:38

He is 64

still works full time?
whats his pension like?
level of income from job?
savings?

i will take a punt
no he doesn’t work or only part time
his pension is piddley
no job or low income

no savings

in which case, how on earth does he hope to get “a plan” together to buy a property?

He does have an income of about £45K per year
And he does have some savings
He is not totally deluded but maybe over optimistIc in how long it will take to get enough money together and I think DW isn’t gonna play nicely!

OP posts:
bedbugsandbedsheets · 21/12/2023 11:18

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bedbugsandbedsheets · 21/12/2023 11:19

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bedbugsandbedsheets · 21/12/2023 11:20

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Tokenmale56 · 01/03/2024 12:26

Maybe your brother should see this post. It might focus his mind a little. I can't help thinking 'where are you?' in all this.

Foxblue · 01/03/2024 12:34

Erm - am I reading this right, he bought the house outright when they got married (so I'm guessing 20+ years ago) so where's all that money gone? Where's the 45k going?

GlitteryEars · 01/03/2024 18:58

The question is how to handle it without creating an awkward situation?

It's already awkward. You're opting for more awkwardness by not saying anything. Give him a generous 2 months notice. Just say it nicely.

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