Sudden separation and panicking over the finances

[Changeofplan]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for just over seven. His second marriage; my first. I have one young adult DC; he has two. My DC lives with us. We're both early sixties.

We've had no physical relationship at all for over two years now (my decision). In that time our marriage has been completely loveless and things have come to a head very recently following a huge argument. We've admitted we were both going to have 'The Talk' once Christmas was over, but it blew up!

So we've agreed to separate. The long and short of it is that we're going to have to put the house on the market as soon as all the little jobs to improve it are done. The garden looks awful because of the time of year but I'll do the best I can with it. We jointly own the house and he has reluctantly agreed to let me have half the equity even though I haven't paid into the mortgage in all this time. (Lots of reasons - part-time work, bringing up our three teenagers, project managing house renovations, etc etc. And then latterly for my health reasons). He's never once said 'DW I think you shou;d get a full time job and pay half the mortgage. When I asked him why he's never addressed this he said he didn't want to upset me.

I'm happy about the financial arrangement as by law he could prove that I haven't contributed to the mortgage at all and take me to the cleaners, so I am grateful for that. However, I have contributed to food, phone bills, kids' things and holidays all along. In our time together I've always earned, just not that much. He earns good money.

The issue is that we live in the south east and I'm not going to be able to afford to buy anywhere until I get a full time job, and even then I'm not sure I'll be able to. At my age and with only a very small pension I'm not looking forward to starting full time work again, but will have to suck it up. I'm more than aware that I've made myself very vulnerable financially and am furious for being so stupid. I was a single parent from day one and self-employed, hence the lack of pension.

My question is, would it be sensible to spend some of the equity on, say, six months' rent just so that my DC and I can get somewhere to live temporarily? We wouldn't do this until the house was on the market and DH would stay here, continuing to pay the big bills. I hope I'd be able to borrow the money from a family member and would pay them back as soon as the house is sold.

Despite how I can't wait to be divorced from him DH is basically a decent guy and I know he wouldn't go back on his promise. He's said that I can come and do the viewings and obviously have access to the house anytime I wanted as long as I give him notice (he got himself onto dating sites within a day).

He's suggested that DC and I move out in a couple of months or so as neither he nor I want to live together longer than we absolutely have to. The atmosphere is frosty but mostly polite, as long as we don't talk about money but I am feeling very stressed. DC will need to up their hours at work (if that's even possible) and I need to get a full time job (again, hoping and praying).

Has anyone else been in my position and had to start again from scratch in their early sixties, with a paltry pension and no guarantee of a job in the immediate future? All this with having to cope with getting my health better, coping with Christmas and all the family and not sleeping? I know things will get better at some point but right now I want to run away with the stress of it all. Any practical suggestions welcome! Thanks so much if you've got this far.

You need some legal advice as you are married. It doesn't matter if you haven't put anything in to the mortgage. You are also entitled to half of his pension which could give you more power to retain over 50% of the house.

Contact a solicitor. They will ensure that you are treated fairly.

@SunnySideDownBriefly I don't think I'd be entitled to half his pension as we've only been married for seven years. He's been working nearly 40? How will I be able to afford a solicitor? I believe there's a way you can get a free half hour? Thank you :)

@SunnySideDownBriefly Actually I've just worked out he's been working full time, without a break for 42 years.

I'd stay in the house until it's sold. Renting is just going to cost you money you don't have right now (and lots of it). And he will have zero incentive to sell the house once you're out. He will still be paying the mortgage and he will justify you're out and tough luck. Did you buy the house together and put equal deposit in?

I would say you need to preserve as much £ as you can, so if you can possibly suck up living together while the house is on the market do rather than get into debt. I would also say tidy the house up but don't hang around while the "little jobs" are being done or spend money on it - get it on the market asap (what sort of "little jobs" are we talking about.

If you are in the SE will what you make from the house allow you to move somewhere cheaper and buy something suitable for you? Does DC have to live with you for any reason?

Lots of solicitors offer free 30 min consultations. I believe the courts also take into account the cohabitation period before marriage. 7 years is not necessarily classed as a short marriage. Best get advice. Are there any other assets apart from the house?

1. try not to leave the marital home. You can officially separate and continue to live in the same house. If he threatens to stop paying the mortgage (or only pay half) then you need to point out that this is a shared debt so hurting you is ultimately hurting himself. You both own the house.
2. You need to maximise your earnings.
3. You aren't correct that he can 'take you to the cleaners'. Did he tell you this?
4. He is no longer on your side. He is not your friend. He might be a decent guy generally, but you are separated, getting a divorce and having to sell the house and you are going to want a share of that and his pension(s) so it could get nasty.
5. Get as much financial info on him as you can so you know where the money is.
6. You might be able to negotiate getting more of the equity in return for not touching his pension/savings.

Don't leave the house until it's sold you'll need that money so probably not a good idea to spend it on rent.

Will half the equity provide you with enough money to house yourself?

Stay in the house until you are close to exchanging contracts.

You are correct that if it went to court they would look at assets brought into the marriage as well as totals, negotiating a clean break is your best option to avoid costly legal fees. File online for the divorce, (get him to do it and pay) remember the financial settlement is separate, you can still use a solicitor for that if you can't agree on a settlement.

For the pensions you need to look at assets accumulated since you lived together on both sides to be fair to you both, if he has a bigger pit then negotiating a bigger share of the house money is a better option than splitting the pension in most cases. Research everything before you speak with him, but I honestly don't think the courts would award you pension accumulated before you met unlike some here, but going to court is so costly that you would end up worse off anyway!

you are not entitled to half of everything

you are entitled to a fair share
in this case it could be less than 50%
( although could be more or less)

you came to the marriage with no assets, at age 50? didn’t work throughout despite having older children. You won’t be left with nothing but that will be a big consideration

he absolutely should be doing what he can to preserve his pre marital assets and pension!

Yeah, this.

I think he's being extremely generous. Why did you not work more, and why all those years before him were you not funding your own pension?

You definitely need to see a solicitor. You've helped raise his children while he was at work, don't minimise that

I'd try to stay in the house until it is sold. Rents are crazy and it's not always easy to rent somewhere without a decent income. So you really need to increase your hours first.

Agree with everyone else, don't waste money renting as you have no idea how long it could go on for.

Will you get a state pension? Have you looked up your entitlement online.. priority (irrespective of divorce) should be to ensure your NI contributions are up to date.

What will be your equity..Could you buy you something further away? Are their joint savings? If it's a 2nd divorce for him has he already had to do a pension share.

I believe your marriage would be considered a short to medium term but due to your ages when you married and no joint children I doubt you would get pension sharing but a solicitor appointment would be needed once you have full details of finances.

Out of interest..you met when older, do you feel he/you has changed? You would hope with later marriages the risk to separation would be less. I imagine you both thought this would be your last partner.

When I got divorced in my late 50s I moved to Somerset because I couldn't afford a nice place in the south east any more. I love it here.
The job wasn't a problem as I've always worked full time.

She is not automatically entitled to half his pension in these circumstances. The relevant factors are age and not a very long marriage. Most pension savings will be outside the marriage.

The OP might only be entitled to a share accrued during the relationship.

Get some legal advice but get all the information together first as you need to be really clear about what assets there are and how long you have been together. You and your soon to be ex both need to be housed but it won't be at the same level that you have been used to. You may have to move somewhere cheaper or look at a much smaller property. It is a big transition and you are grieving at the same time as making some really big decisions. It is tough but as grey divorce gets more common there are lots of people who have gone through it.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I will look at your replies in more detail later.

Don't leave the marital home unless you are not safe there. It's one of the first pieces of advice a family solicitor will give you. The Court will look at financial needs in regard to rehousing, if you have rehoused yourself there is an assumption you don't need additional help.

@MintJulia no op hasnt

I've managed to read everyone's replies and will try to answer all questions. Apologies if I don't mention you all individually. But to those I've replied to - thank you so much. I asked for practical suggestions and you have - mostly - been very helpful. Thank you.

I think the consensus is not to move out before the sale has gone through, despite the awkwardness. I will leave myself far too vulnerable in doing so. It'll be a pain but if I can find work soon at least I'll be out of the house. He works mainly from home which makes things worse. Also it'd be far too disruptive for my DC.

If any of you have any more bright ideas, please keep them coming I'm very grateful 😊.

Anyway - answers:

1. We did buy our first house together with deposits being roughly 10% me, 90% him. We then brought that equity to this house and took out a further mortgage.
2. We need and want to stay in the area for family reasons and the fact that my DC is training for a career locally alongside part-time work. My DC will stay with me until they finish their training. No question of them moving elsewhere to do this as far too expensive. Anyway, we like living together.
3. No other assets apart from the house, except two cars. I have a small amount in savings. DH has a big pension and big savings.
4. I will get a full state pension at 67. My NI contributions are up to date.
5. DH has already been divorced and yes, his ex-wife got a share of his pension as they'd been together 17 years and had their children together.
6. Hopefully the equity will be around £200k each. Difficult to say exactly as the house hasn't been valued yet.

@Bankholidayhelp - Yours is such sensible and useful advice - thank you so much :)

@MintJulia
"You definitely need to see a solicitor. You've helped raise his children while he was at work, don't minimise that".

Thank you for that. I feel validated.

@mostlydrinkstea
"It is tough but as grey divorce gets more common there are lots of people who have gone through it."

This is very true. I know a couple of other people who've gone through this.

@Livinghappy
"Out of interest..you met when older, do you feel he/you has changed? You would hope with later marriages the risk to separation would be less. I imagine you both thought this would be your last partner".

Yes, I never imagined I would be in this situation, and I suspect neither did he. But I fell out of love a long time ago and have found him deeply unattractive in so many ways for a few years now. I really tried to change my mentality to protect all the DC (who will miss each other) but over time I just knew whatever we had had, had gone. Once you know a relationship is over you have to move on - and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. I'm not prepared to stay in a loveless, miserable marriage any more.

@unsync
"The Court will look at financial needs in regard to rehousing, if you have rehoused yourself there is an assumption you don't need additional help".

Thank you. I'm not sure I want to go to court. I'm hoping we can sort things out between us.

@millymollymoomoo WTH?? I asked for PRACTICAL suggestions. You know nothing about me but seem to have concocted a picture of me which is wrong. I never once stated I didn't work throughout. I worked part-time doing several freelance jobs, none of which had a pension. My stepchildren were 13 & 15 when we moved in together and I spent many years bringing them up and getting them off to university in the absence of their 'D'M. Actually, come to think of it - perhaps you're a man and you've been 'stung' in the past, hence your snide comment.

@LaurieStrode See above.🙄. Also, I've had breast cancer this year with operations and radiotherapy. Try working full time through that.

@millymollymoomoo

millymollymoomoo · Today 17:00

@MintJulia no op hasnt

Op hasn't what?

How long did you live together before you married?

@Changeofplan Very good news your NI is up to date. Hopefully it can be amicable do the dc can remain close. Good luck for your future.

How he behaved with his first wife might be an indicator of how he reasonable he is with you.

Is the part time work you've been doing something which you are likely to get full time work in or would you need to use some equity to re-train? I think it could be hard to get a mortgage with only 5/ 6 years left until retirement age.
Could shared ownership be an option with your dc helping with the rent?

I’m not a man and no I’ve not been stung in the past either
I work and pay my own way

im countering people coming on here setting your expectations that you’ll walk away with at least half of his pension and house when actually there’s a good chance you may not in these circumstances.

im not saying you didn’t contribute but he’s worked for 42 years, has provided for vast majority of assets and finances and you didn’t sacrifice a career to raise his children or have a long marriage spanning most of your adult life . So fair in the eyes of the law might not be what everyone says here which is the std you’ll get at least 50% of everything rubbish. And why should you get half his pension he earned before he met you ?

and if it’s reversed people on here would be telling you to protect your assets