Ex already dating whilst we still share a roof

SendHelpPlease078 · 2023-12-09T12:05:31+00:00

This is more a moan than anything else. My unmarried ex of 10 years and I split 2 months ago, I initiated. We both have a lot of equity in our jointly owned house and two small DC under 3. He's doing his best to drag his feet during our separation and as a result it's looking like I won't be able to access my equity and buy another property for a good long while. I feel so bitter and resentful that he won't let me move on with my life, and the negative effect our continued co-habitation is going to have on our DC, as our co-patenting relationship is being eroded day by day. It's so unhealthy to keep living under the same roof. I won't move out as that will weaken my claim to my equity and I don't want to uproot the DC to somewhere temporary. We're going to mediation and he's taking as long as he can to do the bits of work he's asked to - financial disclosure etc. I did mine weeks ago and have done everything the mediator asked of me ASAP. I've now found out that around a month ago he created a dating profile and is starting to see other women. This gives me the massive ick knowing he's playing the field whilst we still share a house, and that he'll be playing the role of poor put-upon single dad and making me out to be an evil ex. I can't stand knowing he's taking about our kids and sharing photos of them with some random women? Hes saying the split was mutual and rushing to mention that we weren't married. Lack of commitment was a major reason I finally ended things. He must be trying to prove to himself that women still find him interesting and attractive. It's pathetic that he can't allow himself to be single for more than a minute after a 10 year relationship and speaks of his lack of self esteem. He's a decade older than me. I have no residual feelings for him whatsoever but the lack of thought on his part about how this might effect our kids makes me so angry. Dispite this dating he's doing, he's still no more interested in splitting our finances and seems to want the best of both worlds - the freedom of bachellorhood and the benefits of cohabitation and parenting under the same roof. How do I survive this situation for the next 6 months or so? It's unbearable.

contactus · 09/12/2023 12:15

silver lining… perhaps he will be galvanised to get things moving quicker

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 12:19

Despite this dating he's doing, he's still no more interested in splitting our finances and seems to want the best of both worlds - the freedom of bachelorhood and the benefits of cohabitation and parenting under the same roof.
it is definitely this. It is easy for him at the moment. Really, really easy.

how often are you going out for you and making him parent, rather than being the default parent?

how often is he washing, ironing and cooking meals for the family compared to you? Who does the weekly shop and planning? If you've stopped doing anything for him, is he just expected to do for himself and not the children? Id really be analysing the share of work and how to make it so he doesnt enjoy this quite so much.

id be so tempted to have a male friend round for dinner, but that could speed him up or make him much, more worse.

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2023 12:19

He won't find anyone of value still living with you because everyone will think he is still with you

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 12:20

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2023 12:19

He won't find anyone of value still living with you because everyone will think he is still with you

Id change that to say he wont find anyone who values themself.

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2023 12:37

What’s mediation and financial disclosure for if you’re not married ?

moving out does not in any way weaken your position and claim in equity. If not married you’re entitled to the % however you own the house ( joint tenants/tenants in common with equal or unequal shares). Although moving out can obvs make things more expensive as running 2 homes

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 13:05

@millymollymoomoo I feel like I may be weakening my pos in the sence that he could later claim I wasn't paying the mortgage for however long when I was renting. It feels like a massive waste of money renting and will be well over what half the costs of running this house are..

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2023 15:22

You’re treating the house and finances as though you’re married. You’re not married so if your ownership is as joint tenants then it’s a 50/50 split and it doesn’t matter who paid more or less of the mortgage. There’s no position to weaken and nobody for him to “claim” anything to, you’re not going to be going to court over a financial settlement as you might in a divorce. You don’t need to wait for him to make a financial disclosure, you’re not legally entitled to his money beyond child maintenance. Get the house on the market, that’s all you need to do.

It might annoy you that he’s dating but it’s ultimately not any of your business any more. Focus on moving on with your life and the practical steps you need to make that happen.

Farahilda · 09/12/2023 15:33

It might annoy you that he’s dating but it’s ultimately not any of your business any more. Focus on moving on with your life and the practical steps you need to make that happen.

This is very true. Now you have separated he is free to conduct his social life however he sees fit and he can talk about the DC to whoever he likes. That's all part of the joys of splitting up, and when it goes from theory to reality, it can be a bit of a jolt but you must have known that this would follow and you have no say over the timing. You might need to reach an agreement about overnight guests though, plus whether you should each notify the other if you're going to be out overnight (not suggesting this in any sense of controlling the other's activities, just the a common courtesy so the other knows whether an absence is planned or something to worry about)

I also agree that as you are not married, there is no need for financial disclosure. It's just a case of working out if one of you is going to buy the other out, and if not then when the house goes on the market.

And if you have to remain co-habiting, then of course you need to sort out who is responsible for which domestic tasks, and day to day care of the DC. Don't let it all default to you

contactus · 09/12/2023 16:18

He must be trying to prove to himself that women still find him interesting and attractive. It's pathetic that he can't allow himself to be single for more than a minute after a 10 year relationship and speaks of his lack of self esteem.

why do you care? and there’s nothing wrong with him trying to love himself to be interesting and attractive!

how did you find out he’s been out on dates and what he’s been telling and showing them?

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 18:28

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 12:19

Despite this dating he's doing, he's still no more interested in splitting our finances and seems to want the best of both worlds - the freedom of bachelorhood and the benefits of cohabitation and parenting under the same roof.
it is definitely this. It is easy for him at the moment. Really, really easy.

how often are you going out for you and making him parent, rather than being the default parent?

how often is he washing, ironing and cooking meals for the family compared to you? Who does the weekly shop and planning? If you've stopped doing anything for him, is he just expected to do for himself and not the children? Id really be analysing the share of work and how to make it so he doesnt enjoy this quite so much.

id be so tempted to have a male friend round for dinner, but that could speed him up or make him much, more worse.

I rarely go out in the evenings, he often comes home very late from work (21.00 onwards) and goes out at weekends so I gather these are dates. Yes I am always default parent. I do the DCs meals, bar breakfast, and laundry, and buy anything they need, take them to any appointments, do bedtime. Each time I try to get him to do more in this area he pushes back, drops comments about how much he does and if I want to stop doing X, he'll stop doing Y (giving DC breakfast etc). He's an utter twat. I will start going out for more 'me time'. Starting now!!

OP posts:

contactus · 09/12/2023 18:29

did he tell you he had set up a dating profile?

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 18:30

contactus · 09/12/2023 16:18

He must be trying to prove to himself that women still find him interesting and attractive. It's pathetic that he can't allow himself to be single for more than a minute after a 10 year relationship and speaks of his lack of self esteem.

why do you care? and there’s nothing wrong with him trying to love himself to be interesting and attractive!

how did you find out he’s been out on dates and what he’s been telling and showing them?

I take it you're a man. I care because if he has this attitude about dating immediately, he's likely to have the same carelessness about introducing my kids to some woman he's just met and upsetting/confusing them. I care because he wants to have his cake and eat it too, whilst blocking my access to equity.

OP posts:

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 18:31

contactus · 09/12/2023 18:29

did he tell you he had set up a dating profile?

A mutual friend found it and sent me screenshots

OP posts:

contactus · 09/12/2023 18:33

single mum of two

but you say about trying to prove himself attractive etc. what does that have to do with his children?

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 18:33

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2023 15:22

You’re treating the house and finances as though you’re married. You’re not married so if your ownership is as joint tenants then it’s a 50/50 split and it doesn’t matter who paid more or less of the mortgage. There’s no position to weaken and nobody for him to “claim” anything to, you’re not going to be going to court over a financial settlement as you might in a divorce. You don’t need to wait for him to make a financial disclosure, you’re not legally entitled to his money beyond child maintenance. Get the house on the market, that’s all you need to do.

It might annoy you that he’s dating but it’s ultimately not any of your business any more. Focus on moving on with your life and the practical steps you need to make that happen.

Edited

We both have to do a financial disclosure as part of mediation. As we would if we went to court. I have nothing to hide, it seems he does

OP posts:

contactus · 09/12/2023 18:35

if he has this attitude about dating immediately, he's likely to have the same carelessness about introducing my kids to some woman he's just met and upsetting/confusing them.

or he’s completely over the marriage and on his time when children with you… wants to start dating, which is totally fair enough

what is not fair enough is that you don’t also seem to be getting the opportunity to have much child free time to do whatever you want to do. whether that’s dating or going for a swim.

So that’s the issue that needs to be resolved in respect to him dating (curious how you know he’s showing theses dates photos of the children though?)

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/12/2023 18:44

Your relationship is over. So what if he us dating? It makes zero difference and your kids are too young to know their dad is dating.

The only issue here should ge if he has more free time than you.

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2023 19:25

What do you need fimsn disclosure for? To achieve what ?
you are simply owed half the house equity if you own as joint tenants. So one of you either has to buy the other out, sell and split it

Original poster

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 19:32

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2023 19:25

What do you need fimsn disclosure for? To achieve what ?
you are simply owed half the house equity if you own as joint tenants. So one of you either has to buy the other out, sell and split it

As I said above, it's a requirement of mediation, to assist in negotiations with the other party. We may not be married, but there's CM and nursery fees to agree, among other things. Knowing the other's financial position is highly relevant to this. Before you tell me how CM is calculated, I'm well aware.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2023 19:32

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 18:33

We both have to do a financial disclosure as part of mediation. As we would if we went to court. I have nothing to hide, it seems he does

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Are you in the UK? Or does the mediator mistakenly believe you’re married? You don’t need to make financial disclosures to each other, which is probably why he’s not doing it. Joint assets and savings need to be split and he will need to pay you child maintenance unless the plan is for 50/50 care, but neither of you owes anything to the other financially after that. You’re stalling the separation process if you’re making sorting out the house etc dependent on this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2023 19:34

SendHelpPlease078 · 09/12/2023 19:32

As I said above, it's a requirement of mediation, to assist in negotiations with the other party. We may not be married, but there's CM and nursery fees to agree, among other things. Knowing the other's financial position is highly relevant to this. Before you tell me how CM is calculated, I'm well aware.

Show quote history

But it’s pointless. He can’t legally be made to pay anything other than CM at the statutory rate. You can agree now that he’ll pay more than that and that you’ll share the nursery fees, but if he then decides he doesn’t want to, that’s it.

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2023 21:39

As above
pointless

he can only legally be made to pay cms per the calcs
sure if you can more fine that’s good. But the mere fact education is required suggests he won’t.

and he cannot be compelled to provide any financial disclosures as you are not married

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2023 21:40

And you acting like you’re married and expect to follow divorce process. You’re not and can’t

Mumof3confused · 09/12/2023 22:25

Have you agreed who will have the children and what split following the separation? I would agree with this that whilst you’re both still under one roof, you split the childcare 50:50 but you won’t be doing any of his laundry etc. Then leave the house on your days. Join a gym, go visit family or friends or whatever but let him manage all meals, bedtimes, make sure there’s food in etc.

LemonTT · 09/12/2023 23:00

I think you need to question whether you are creating huddles here that don’t need to exist and that these are at the route of the delays. Unless he is incredibly rich you won’t be in court over a financial issue that isn’t a straight forward direction to sell the property and split the equity 50:50. A court won’t let you dispute a CMS calculation unless he is a very high earner or has a huge amount of wealth.

The focus of your mediation should be the child arrangement order. That shouldn’t hold up the sale of the house and you getting your share if the equity.