50/50 shared custody - 3 homes

[firsttimemum2010]

My ex and I have a 50/50 shared custody arrangement.

On my 50%, they stay with me in our home.

On my ex’s 50%, they spend half the time at his home and half the time staying with his Mum and Dad.

Where do I stand with this? When 50/50 was agreed, it was with their Dad not their grandparents.

How old are the kids? How do they feel about this?

I'm not sure there is much you can do.

I do not believe you have a say on what how or where the other parent parents (unless there’s a criminal element).

Whilst contact is meant to be contact with the parents it is the same as if you left the kids with a parent while you went away.

Do you have any sort of an agreement that if one parent can't look after the children the other parent should be given first refusal?

Is it court ordered or agreed amongst yourselves?

If it was court ordered it will probably say something like they "live with you on xyz" and "live with dad on xyz" which isn't then living with the grandparents.

I would say you have strong grounds to contest it on the basis that hopefully most magistrates / judges would see that it was very disruptive for the children to stay in three households. If their dad can't have them on those days so is palming them off on his parents and you could have them for those days then it would make more sense for them to be with you.

It sounds like he's agreed to 50/50 to avoid paying child maintenance?

The child custody arrangement is currently pending at court. Waiting for the date of the first hearing.

Do you have a solicitor or barrister?

I think you'd have a strong case to vary the arrangement on these grounds but you need advice on how to handle it, Eg should you write to your ex about it with your concerns.

You also need to keep records of this happening with as much evidence as possible, so your ex can't claim this is only happening occasionally.

I'm pretty sure you'd have a good case in terms of stability for the children. Being split between two homes is destabilising enough, but having to cope with 3 homes and 3 different parenting styles isn't fair on the kids, regardless of how loving the grandparents are, they are not mum and dad.

He obviously isn't in a position to insist on 50/50 and only wants this arrangement to guard against having to pay maintenance.

Make sure the kids are registered at your address with the school, GP and dentist then stick a CMS claim in. You need to be receiving CB for them too. It will become stronkingly obvious that he isn't fulfilling 50/50 shared care..

Also speak to your GP with concerns around their emotional stability.

I'd argue that the children's welfare is being debunked by the constant moving around.

I had a similar issue when my ex split his 50% between his 2 homes. Social services encouraged me to go for an amendment to our childcare order. Good luck.

They’re all registered here as I have always been the main carer. The 50/50 is only a recent (and stopping of SCM) development. He won’t have to pay CM as 50/50 (even if really 50/25/25).

I will definitely raise when Cafcass for their S7 report.

The kids love going to the GP though so it’s hard. But I do worry about what will happen if anything happens to them, both elderly.

And the disruption of moving around 3 homes.

seriously disruptive for the children ok once in a while but not every single time

I applied for CMS on a 50/50 shared care basis and was awarded it. He earns more than I do. It's worth a try as he'll have to complete a form saying how many nights he has the children. If he's only having them 25% of the time he'll have to state this. He can't say he has them 50% if they aren't in his care.

What actually is the problem if the kids enjoy going to grandparents?

Is he with them at the grandparents?
if not, this is quite straightforward. It's not in their interests to share their time between 3 homes and 3 carers, so you would ask for the children to be with you 5 days a week and propose that they visit their grandparents during their father's time.

Do you think it's good for kids to have three homes and three sets of carer?

Plenty of people have to use childcare, child minder and gp
when they have there kids he’s doing the same

If the other parent is willing and able to have the children during these times it makes no sense to send them to other relatives.
He's asked for 50/50 but he's not capable of providing it.

True plenty of people use childcare (as do I). But I don’t leave them there for 72 hours. I drop them off in the morning and collect them as soon as I can to take them home. Even if he does “pop round” to see them when they’re there, surely this is not the same as being an actual parent?

The difference is that the children are staying overnight with the GP, they're not just covering after school or whatever? Do you know if their dad even sees them whilst they're there?

Is he leaving them there because of shift work or something?

If they enjoy it, I don’t see the problem. It could be seen as beneficial in developing strong relationships with Grandparents. It seems mean to deliberately sabotage that.

Not shift work but does work 5 fixed hours Sat and Sun. I worry it’s confusing with 3 sets of homes, 3 sets of rules etc. Also, they are elderly, what happens if all the court childcare arrangements are made on this basis and then something happens with their health?

How old are your kids?

Tbh I don't see the issue unless there are welfare concerns.

The GP are elderly but you haven't said there are any concerns. How nice that you children get to spend time with their GPs.

Sounds like you are looking to cause trouble.

Children need a stable home. If they have to have two stable homes because parents are separated that's one thing but to add in a third home is not in their interests. They can build strong relationships with their grandparents without staying with them several nights every week.

I expect she'd rather have her children with her than with their grandparents several nights a week. That's not unreasonable.