50/50 shared custody - 3 homes

[firsttimemum2010]

My ex and I have a 50/50 shared custody arrangement.

On my 50%, they stay with me in our home.

On my ex’s 50%, they spend half the time at his home and half the time staying with his Mum and Dad.

Where do I stand with this? When 50/50 was agreed, it was with their Dad not their grandparents.

Think through your contentions and present them in court. In some way the points you make can be negated. There isn’t any evidence of three sets of rules. Your ex may well respond that his parents follow his rules and he ensures they have access to all their needs in both homes. The health risk is not relevant until or unless it happens and then things can change. I think this is fussing over manageable issues. All he has to do is show it is manageable.

The relevant issue is that Co parenting split should enable the children to spend time with their parents. If that isn’t happening with one then it should default to the other parent.

But the relationship with grandparents might be important in this case. And if their father is present in the grandparents home during the days when the kids are there and the sleepover is just related to his work schedule it might be a reasonable arrangement.

The time when children sleep or go to school isn’t quality time with the parent.

I think there a big difference between spending the odd night at the GPs because a parent has plans or GPs collecting from school for a couple of hours, and them being left there regularly for 3 days straight.

He obviously can't manage his 50% on his own and I suspect only wanted it so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. If you're going through court at the moment I'd definitely raise it and see what they say.

Your previous posts indicate that your DC are tweens and teenagers - so I think the argument that they might be “confused” by “three different homes” is somewhat weak. They’re of an age where they’re perfectly able to recognise that they have two homes and that they stay with their grandparents some days, and to have a preference as to where and with whom they spend their time. They’ll be consulted as part of the arrangements agreement and if they love their grandparents, have a good relationship with them, and indicate that the current arrangements suit them, that’s going to hold a lot of sway for retaining them.

If you want something different then you’re going to need to have an argument based on less emotional and more factual points, which doesn’t appear to be : is the arrangement demonstrably negatively affecting their education; have they expressed discontent or unhappiness about it; do you have legitimate concerns about the standard of care received at grandparents? In a few short years, any court-agreed arrangement is likely to become redundant anyway, because older teens vote with their feet.

My youngest is 6.

I don't know where I stand on this.
My dc lived with me 100% of the time. Except they didn't really. They were at my mums 3 days/nights per week so I could work.

Although my ex showed no interest in having them more than the odd day that he didn't have something more exciting to do, so he couldn't really complain that they were somewhere other than my home.

Would you having them instead of their grandparents affect how much childcare you'd have to pay for? Or how many hours you work?

No, I am free at the weekends.

Definitely bring it up with cafcass. I don’t think it’s good for a child to have 3 homes and although it’s a fair while ago court/social services etc agreed. When we got residency of my dss, maternal gp tried to get visitation built in. They were told no as it wasn’t appropriate for dss to have to move around 3 homes. This was despite him having lived with them previously.
We got full residency with mum getting eow. Gp were told to see dss in mums time.

He starts work in the afternoon so no early start involved. I guess my main concern is that he has never looked after them for extended periods but now wants 50/50. If he is heavily reliant on his parents, my worry is how he will cope if they suddenly can’t look after them half the time.

But anyway, I will just flag it up and I guess court will make own mind up.

I think it’s completely reasonable to say that given you are free at weekends and he isn’t, they should be with you rather than grandparents. Yes their relationship with their GPs is important but their relationship with you more so. And stability is key at this age. They have to feel like they have a home, which they won’t with this arrangement. Could you have them at weekends and he have them more during the week instead? I would make sure you gather evidence and consult a lawyer.

Can you talk us through your kids typical week, which days they are where and for how long, and when your ex is at work?

(And how much and how regularly he sees the DC when they’re at their GP and if he’s not with them, what he’s doing during that time)

We split the week 2 days each and then alternative weekends F-M. He does tend to have them at his on the 2 week days (he is not working on those days). He works W-S and I work M-F.

I don’t know how often he sees them when at GP but definitely does pop in.

Do you think it would be reasonable to suggest, when he works the 5 hours on Sat and Sun, I get first refusal to spend time with the children before they go to their grandparents? Some weekends I might be busy (also have elderly parents) but if I can, I can do that. Or would that be even more disruptive for them, not knowing where they’ll be/who with.

Does he have them outside the 5hrs he works or do they spend all the weekend at grandparents. Could he not have them from he finishes work on Sunday till he starts (or they start school) on a Wednesday? 50/50 but they are in childcare while he works is very different to 50/50 but he’s only ever spending time with them 2 of the days.

That would be more confusing imo
and then you’re messing grandparents about unfairly too

Yeah that’s what I was worried about. I don’t think that would work then.

No, mostly outside the 5 hours the kids are with the GP. He does pop round but doesn’t stay night.