Am I being unreasonable/ is this legal ?

[lakelandminnow]

Spouse and I are divorcing and they currently have no source of income (through choice, they could work if they wanted to but they lost their job and won't look for work now as they believe they'll be awarded a bigger share of our joint assets if they have no source of income at the point we go to court to agree a financial settlement.

Divorce has been dragging on for 2 years because they are contesting everything and I mean EVERYTHING, despite advice from their solicitor that it's costing more in combined legal fees than they could possibly gain from nit-picking and arguing over stuff.

We're separated but still living in the marital home. Kids are teens/young adults and I'm paying for everything at the moment, due to spouse not working.

We split the joint account balance but all other accounts were in my sole name as I was the lower earner and it made sense for tax reasons. Spouse has now spent all of their funds in and is wanting money to be transferred to them from the accounts in just my name. They have some shares they could sell in and a very expensive but rarely used hobby item they could sell if they needed to raise funds but they don't want to do that.

If I do start transferring money to them from savings, they'll just keep chucking it at solicitors/court costs in arguing over stuff, whilst continuing to refuse to seek work, and it'll prolong the divorce when we both need to move on as well as reducing the amount we both end up with.

I'm of the opinion that if they have to cash in some shares or sell their beloved but rarely used hobby item it might focus their mind on the money that is being wasted on solicitors etc. Selling the hobby item will also reduce annual costs.

Is it unreasonable/legal for me to say no to transferring them more bank funds and insisting they sell stuff to generate some cash at this point ?

how much more in percentage terms did they earn than you and for how long? how long have they been out of work? we’re they made redundant and received a redundant pay out?

do you have a mortgage?

how old are they children?

Your not together they can claim benefits

You are getting divorced.

You do not have to give them cash, especially if they are being obstructive.

What a horrible situation for you.
My ex and I had a joint objective 'what is best for our children' when sorting our divorce and very quickly realised that we'd mutually rather our children had our money than solicitors, when the first bill (£3k) came through. It is a massive shame for you that your ex is doing this. Horrible. On the plus side, at least you're on track to get rid of them.
So, no, I wouldn't give them any money to waste when they have an asset. Has the asset been declared and in the pot?

What is your total joint marital wealth now, OP? I'm wondering how much is at stake & whether spending £20k to go to court is worthwhile.

Have you documented all the costs since separation that should be shared (mortgage, household, kid support etc)

Are you going down the no-fault divorce route & at what stage in that process are you at?

Don’t transfer a cent. They will have to wait and see how it’s divided during the divorce.

You say - >
they are contesting everything and I mean EVERYTHING, despite advice from their solicitor that it's costing more in combined legal fees than they could possibly gain from nit-picking and arguing over stuff*.
*

This is EXACTLY the line my bully ex is using - apologies, you may not be a bully - but I'm just adding that that kind of language is common (in my experience) of exes trying to protect their assets. In my case, valuation of pension funds.

They're in for a surprise - they will be expected to maximise their income, and their expectation that they will come off best is likely to backfire, esp as this is being done through solicitors who will draft all this in the settlement papers...

Sorry but those accounts you are controlling and refusing your spouse access to are family money. You are using a bullying tactic to force your ex’s hand. And you wonder why they are playing games in return ?

I disagree with others
op is/was the lower earner
ex is bullying and manipulating refusing to work when was the higher earner, spending money they dont have

I wouldn’t be transferring I'd giving them access to any of it personally

Explain to the spouse that you will be going halves on the mortgage, so they'll have to pony up half unless they want the house to be repossessed. Don't give them a penny from your savings. They need to get a job. It's on them to provide for themselves. Move out as soon as possible and get the house sold. The faster you can disentangle yourself from them, the faster you can stop paying their bills.

To answer a few questions

We have no mortgage
Spouse earned an extra £20,000 to £30,000 more than me, it fluctuated and has been that way since the children came along (but I still worked full-time, just couldn't go all out career wise because I was the default carer).
They were made redundant, there was a payment which is now all gone.
I think I mentioned that there are teenage (school age) children plus a young adult (Uni age so still needs somewhere to come "home" to and an element of top-up funding each term)
I am documenting where all money is coming from and what it is being spent on in great detail.

@divorceadviceneeded I don't want to "bully" them which is why I'm canvassing opinion as to whether the line of action I'm thinking of taking is beyond reasonable or inadvisable because it's illegal. I initially took the line that they were temporarily out of work through no fault of their own and shared my income despite being separated but when their plan became known, I'm now re-thinking things especially given the horrendous amount that's already been spent on our respective solicitors' fees. This is our retirement funds and money for the kids' futures that's being utterly wasted.
Spouse has access to assets which can easily be converted to cash, I wouldn't be cutting them off from funds, just making them directly feel the effect of their current actions. They remain in the family home so have a roof over their head, food to eat and use of a car.

@LemonTT - Hopefully from the above comment made to divorceadviceneeded you'll see that I haven't played any games, my spouse is the one who's been trying to game the system. They are acting irrationally, blinded by rage at me petitioning for divorce. A friend likened it to a toddler hurling themselves on the floor and thrashing about, physically injuring themselves in the process but in our case it's an adult relentlessly lashing out to try and dominate the situation regardless of the financial consequences.

how long ago was he made redundant

and what happened to the payout?

have you discussed yet childcare split?

op rather than canvassing opinion on mumsnet

you are better off asking your solicitor. Yes will cost but will be a straightforward response

@bitchatty I'd love straightforward responses from a solicitor, given the amount I'm paying.
Solicitors however seem determined to word advice in non-specific terminology presumably so that they can't be blamed if something turns out not to be as they advised/planned and it always comes with ifs and buts galore.
I've been told that our children are old enough to decide for themselves where they live and how often they visit their non-resident parent.
They've also been on the receiving end of spouse's unreasonable behaviour (overstepping the mark in connection with wanting to dominate them/invade their privacy). I think they would visit but currently they have no desire to live in the same home as my spouse.

I would consider dis-instructing your solicitors for now so that your ex can’t drain your finances anymore by making you spend thousands on nit-picking. His solicitors will then deal with you directly. If you’re not getting anywhere with solicitor negotiations it’s better to stop the nonsense and issue form A so that the court can put a stop to it. I realised this only after spending £20k getting nowhere. You can keep your solicitors advising you in the background and at the point where you need them to act for you again, re-instruct them.

Sounds like youre already subsidizing him since he's refusing to pay bills. If you're officially separated why are you paying for his food? Please don't tell me you're cooking for him?

Also, whose name is the car in? If yours, and you're paying for it, I'd stop letting him use it.

His assets have a value and the cash has a value and whether he releases the cash from his assets and spends that on legal fees or uses savings, you’ll have what’s left to divide at the end of the day. It’s infuriating but you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

@Mumof3confused

That's interesting regarding the dis-instructing of solicitors. I wish I had known that earlier in the process. Corresponding directly with spouse's solicitors and just keeping mine in the back ground for advice would have saved £,000s.
I wanted to change solicitors but it turned out that my spouse had initial consultations with several local solicitors with good reputations so there is apparently a conflict of interest preventing them acting for me.

Right from the start I acknowledged that all assets, no matter whose name they were in, were actually joint marital assets. My spouse wasted money on solicitors establishing this point with their solicitor picking fights over nothing, acting as if they were fighting me trying to walk away with everything in my name and a share of joint stuff too. My form E was accurate, complete and on time, theirs wasn't produced until months later and was an incomplete work of fiction.

I know it's still depleting joint assets wherever the funds come from for my spouse to throw at solicitors, it's just that if the assets currently in their name were the ones being cashed in, it might focus their mind on what is happening because at present they're just not thinking this way.

@GrumpyPanda I definitely am not cooking for them. We each have a car in our own name. I guess this is another asset that they could sell to raise funds given that they don't currently need it to get to/from a job and I do all the parent taxi duties.

Hmm is your spouse your wife who thinks you are hiding assets from her and depriving her of money in the savings accounts?

It might be worth enquiring with your solicitor if you were to hand over more money would it be considered an advance on their share for when the settlement is official.

@BlueEyedPeanut My spouse seems to be paranoid, irrational and downright angry over the divorce, who knows what they are really thinking. It's not like the divorce came out of the blue, things had been bad for a long time leading up to it and the possibility of divorce had been discussed.
However, my conscience is clear. My form E was accurate and complete, any suggestions that I had omitted assets or other sources of income have all been totally debunked but naturally this cost a fair amount in solicitors letters on both sides.

Your spouse has a rarely used hobby item that's generating extra annual expenditure. I'm going to guess it's a horse which your spouse doesn't ride. Since you've split up, there's no need for you to continue funding this hobby item, whatever it is. If it belongs to your ex, they can fund it themselves or sell it. It's literally nothing to do with you, so disentangle yourself from that faux obligation right away.