Ex refusing to pay bills

[Lifechangesontheway]

We are getting divorced. Not even got to conditional order stage yet.
ex is refusing to pay any bills in the house. Neither of us can move out due to finances. I am stuck paying for all of the bills and buying the vast majority of food for the kids (of which my stupid ex takes some). There has been lots of verbal abuse and coercive behaviour since I applied for divorce (and some prior to this too). He says he cannot afford to pay any bills due to my decision to divorce.
is there anything I can do or do I need to keep funding his share of the bills in order that my children don’t have to go without food, electricity etc?
I hate that he is living for free at my and our Childrens expense.

@Lifechangesontheway
If you are living in the same house, you may have no choice if you want to have a place and a roof over your head. There is no legal way to force him to pay his share of the expenses. You can move out, but then you will still have 100% of the expenses to pay.

P

Sadly you'd be paying it all if he wasn't there. So, whilst it's annoying, I'd suggest doing what you can to minimise what you pay for for him, so move food items. Lock things away. Password protect WiFi etc. And source legal help ASAP.

You can't stop him using gas, electricity or water but you can lock your food away from him. Could you move out and leave him to pay or go without utilities.

speak to cms. You can actually claim even if you're living in the same household. They'll ask you lots of questions though (shared kitchen etc). I haven't done this myself but I've seen about it on a cms page on Facebook. I suppose it's to stop exes being controlling by withholding money, sorry I don't know more about it.

to answer a few questions: I can’t move out. There is nothing available locally to rent big enough for me and the kids, literally nothing, and the kids are at local schools. There isn’t even any smaller properties that we can make do with for a while.
He has threatened to cause difficulties if I make any changes to Wi-Fi etc. literally not sure what I can do without finding thousands of pounds for legal help which still can’t force him to pay towards the bills.

And he is self employed and choosing not to work much / hiding what he is earning to avoid paying anything for his children / bills.

There's not much you can do OP but my ex hated fish and veggie dishes so we ate a lot of those. Made sure there were no snacks except those locked in the boot of my car. I stopped buying alcohol, and made sure my shampoo/deodorant were as flowery and scented as possible.

I turned the heating & water off every time we went out, If he wants to be unco-operative and penny pinching, you can do the same.

Really sorry you're going through this @Lifechangesontheway . I'm watching with interest as I'm going through the almost identical situation. STBX (self-employed) refused to engage in any sort of sensible decision on how we split the bills in the marital home (having previously paid almost all of them) while claiming to be suddenly penniless, folded his business, started a new one which 'hasn't yet made any money' and started claiming benefits. I'm fielding debt collection letters from council tax, water, electricity and gas on an almost daily basis.

If you haven't already, contact all your utility suppliers and let them know what's happening. I rang them all, told them my STBX is financially abusing me by witholding payments to try and coerce me into paying to financially disadvantage me and/or ruin my credit score, and have continued to pay what would be my 'half' of all bill. Not sure it's going to help in the long run, but I wanted a paper trail so that when push comes to shove there's a clear record of whose debt it is.

Water and council tax have been really good, putting a hold on further recovery action for short periods etc in the hope he'd cough up too. Make sure you have a clear, written record of you asking him to cover his share too so he can't turn round and say he didn't know you weren't able to pay or some such bollocks.

@bobdobbolina
all of the bills are in my name. I am paying them all but begrudgingly so, especially the council tax as that would be a lower amount if stbxh didn’t live here.
it really grates on me that he is getting away with living here and not contributing anything. Massive freeloader!
he uses more electric, gas and water than anybody else here.
I am extremely pissed off about it.

I feel your pain. It's so fucking maddening that a grown adult can just hold another to ransom like this with no comeback. I totally understand how stuck you must feel. I would keep a track of absolutely everything you're spending on household and children since the point of 'separation' and then maybe you could try to recoup the amount you've 'overpaid' to cover his share in your settlement.

it's also pretty outrageous in my opinion that utility companies don't have a better way of dealing with situations like this, but that's probably another thread😂

as painful as this is, life becomes a bit more straightforward when you let go of any hope your ex will behave reasonably. Have you googled narcissistic abuse? This sounds like a textbook case and there's strategies you can employ to help you cope - check out dr ramani on YouTube and yourdivorcecoach on insta. My advice ten months in would be do not delay divorce proceedings- just suck it up and pay what it costs to get free sharpish. He has no incentive to make things happen quickly while he's benefiting from a free house and the prospect of being poorer as soon as it's all done, and will probably string you out as long as possible to financially punish you for daring to try and leave...

Speak to Rights of Women and see if his abusive behaviour meets the threshold to gain an occupation order.

If you are living separately and not doing anything for him etc you can claim UC as a single parent. May as well put in for CMS even though he will pay very little. One less thing to sort out in the future.

Yes we are living separately, much to stbxh disgust and annoyance. I don’t cook for him, shop for him or wash his clothes. I refuse to go anywhere with him. He says I am being petty, but I would rather stick pins in my eyes than put on a unified happy front in public.
his behaviour means I do believe we have exceeded the threshold for an occupation order but I feel it would be my word against his and I don’t know how I would prove that I am telling the truth. And I am not trying to be evil
and make him homeless, I just want him to be reasonable, pay his fair share and do his fair share of housework but none of that will ever happen. He’s just living here at the financial
expense of me and his children and he is just making a mess and leaving me to clean it up (which I have to do or me and the kids will be living in filth).

Speak to Rights of Women - they will help you make an application for occupation order. If he's not spent any money for months then he can afford a room in a shared house can't he?

He's happy to see you financially shafted!

You are right. I know you are right. I think I am worried too much about making him leave his home when we acquired it together. But you are right that he is trying to shaft me financially. He doesn’t care about a reasonable divorce settlement which can see his children housed. He wants a 70:30 split in his favour. He isn’t paying towards the bills. He is deliberately keeping his income just above unemployment benefit level. He isn’t cleaning up after himself. He is causing me greater expense and greater workload and he is absolutely horrible to be around.
I will look into rights of women.
thank you for helping me see the situation for what it really is.

Remember he is also fleecing his DC, he literally doesn't care if you can't afford to adequately feed and clothe them.

He will miraculously be able to earn more when he needs to house himself.

I can’t write too much on here because it would be too outing, but it is correct that he is trying to fleece his children.
he pretty much only cares that he is comfortable and doesn’t care if his children go without.
I have literally struggled financially for years trying to keep us afloat whilst he has run up debts repeatedly.
We (mainly me) have paid off his debts multiple times and he just runs them back up again. He has been more interested in keeping up with the joneses than he has about financial security for his family. Right now he is being a manipulative arse and trying to be a Disney dad.
He is pathetic.
he is trying to bully me into accepting his 70:30 financial offer. I won’t be accepting it. I can’t afford legal representation but I will go to Court and let them sort out finances even if I have to self litigate. How can 70:30 in his favour be a fair offer when I have to house the kids?
his desire to be self employed on next to no income is a lifestyle choice and not a necessity. He could be earning 50k but he can’t be arsed.
I don’t even know why I put up with his coercive and controlling bullying for so many years and right now I have zero choice but to let him live for free in the house and intimate me on a regular basis.

Call women's aid for advice?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Mine was the same. Two years on I’ve moved out but he’s finding ways to drain my finances and lets his children go without. It’s exhausting but it’s predictable. Get the right support. Your divorce coach is a good shout.

He has threatened to cause difficulties if I make any changes to Wi-Fi etc.

What kind of difficulties? Might be worth facing it down unless he's threatening physical violence. If it's the latter, or any threat really, try to get them recorded/by text and then take to police, it might help get him kicked out. If he's not paying for anything he's not entitled to use it. Also, get locks for fridge and kitchen cupboards.

Ah but being self employed and pretending to earn very little is going to bite him on the arse big time when no mortgage provider will give him a mortgage as on paper he doesn't earn enough to qualify.

Quite, but I think he is relying on not being able to get a mortgage or afford to rent as a reason for him being awarded a bigger share of everything.

and to answer the person who asked about what kind of threats: he hasn’t made it clear what those threats are, just that it will have repercussions. It feels like a threat of violence but even without violence I feel it is coercive and controlling. He is basically saying that I must fund his lifestyle and if I don’t there will be problems.

Can you change the locks whilst he is out?! Slightly tongue in cheek but as he is no longer contributing to the house hold........
Awful situation to be in. Just get all the support you can and lots of evidence about what he's doing.

My god, this is awful and I really can't think of how you're going to get out of this on the short term.

I think the WiFi password would be my first plan.

Do all your friends and family know what he's doing? Would social shaming work?

Occupation order maybe?

Be careful not to do anything that would paint you in a bad light in court.

Get an occupation order? (Will be hard though)

I'm very cynical - I'm wondering if he's working less so that he can claim
He's the primary parent and needs the house for the kids..