Ex refusing to pay bills

[Lifechangesontheway]

We are getting divorced. Not even got to conditional order stage yet.
ex is refusing to pay any bills in the house. Neither of us can move out due to finances. I am stuck paying for all of the bills and buying the vast majority of food for the kids (of which my stupid ex takes some). There has been lots of verbal abuse and coercive behaviour since I applied for divorce (and some prior to this too). He says he cannot afford to pay any bills due to my decision to divorce.
is there anything I can do or do I need to keep funding his share of the bills in order that my children don’t have to go without food, electricity etc?
I hate that he is living for free at my and our Childrens expense.

This is coercive control. Speak to women's aid and document everything. My ex tried to do this to me. I walked out of the home in the end and rented, claiming universal credit. He tried to hold me to my half of the mortgage so I got a solicitor involved and offered 3 payments, to be taken from my equity at the end. Also, consider taking a mortgage holiday?

Speak to Rights of Women ask their advice as to whether the coercive control is enough to go to the police.

Also evidence that you are primary carer the fast few years and currently.

W have separate friendship groups but my closest family and friends are aware. Of course his family and friends have been given his heavily edited version of events painting me as a witch who wants to financially destroy him and leave him destitute whilst moaning about paying for normal everyday things.

And of course if I dare to mention that I am not happy that he isn’t contributing financially but is living here and using things that cost money he tells me I am just trying to provoke him into doing something unthinkable. I am really not trying to provoke him into anything, I am
trying my best to just stay out of his way and avoid any arguments but I think I am within my rights to suggest he should be paying his way. He could easily earn enough money to pay his share of the bills. He isn’t disabled or unwell in any way.

He should absolutely be paying his way! My first thought was that he will drag on a divorce and separating assets as he's currently living for free!

I think the idea of locking things in your boot is excellent, eat with kids before he comes home too? Then all cleared up and stuff away again.

There'd also be no way on earth I wouldn't be changing the WI-FI password, would connect kids devices without them knowing it had been changed so they don't witness this. Although if they have iPhones he can share the password from their phones.

I hope you aren't in for a long divorce OP, sorry, he sounds horrid!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.
you are really helping me to see the situation for what it is.
When you live with somebody who for years and years convinces you that you are wrong and unreasonable you start to believe it and you start to question your own actions.
Stbxh has been very good at manipulating everything I say and making me feel like I am selfish and unreasonable.
it has taken me a very long time to stand up to him and to tell anybody outside of the marriage what has been going on. It’s only when you start to tell other people that you realise how much you have put up with. Saying it out loud makes it real.
I know stbxh is going to make this as difficult and drawn out as possible and accuse me of being a selfish money grabbing cow but I am standing firm and carrying on with doing what I need to do.

Absolutely why you need to pursue an occupation order with help from Rights of Women.

Your DC should not have to live witnessing the ongoing abuse he is subjecting you to.

Do you have any documentation of him saying things like “provoke him into doing the unthinkable” and intimidating remarks regarding wifi passwords ? It’s things like this that need to be documented (text, video, voice recording, do some home security video cameras also record audio?) As it shows he’s unsafe to be in the house around the kids and yourself.
finances- wise, spreadsheets will become your new best friend! You need to document any shared expenses (mortgage, bills, things for kids etc) and anything he outright takes (eg food) down to the penny. It’s your ledger and if this goes to court, you can present it and the total of costs he has not paid for, judge should then turn to him and ask him for his evidence to dispute this (he will have none). Keeping receipts will help also.
Food-wise, you can get lock-boxes for fridges (they don’t usually keep huge amounts, but can put pricier items in there or things you know he will eat).
Heating/water, can you put a lock on the boiler cupboard? Therefore you alone can turn it off when you and kids out of house, if he isn’t contributing to bills. Or do you have a handy friend/family member who can do this for you?

unfortunately if he is the arsehole you say he is, the above steps (and probably more locks on things) is the only way to curb and hopefully recoup the money he is essentially stealing from you.

I understand your frustration and I share it. I would find his audacity absolutely appalling and would do everything I could to restrict what he can access that he isn’t paying for.

i second what others have said re-womens advice. If that doesn’t help, any family/friends you could borrow money from to get legal advice to see if any way to get him out of house?

Thank you for the reply. Sorry for my late response, it’s been a hectic few weeks and I haven’t been on here.
He isn’t in the house now. He got aggressive and was removed by the police. He can’t come back for now but I need to get an occupation order in place for when his court imposed conditions expire.
It’s such a relief to not have him here. Things had become so unbelievably horrible, the non contribution to bills was just one thing that he was doing to control me.

Good news he’s gone, and hope you are ok as you can be. get the court order sorted and get divorced asap. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s going to be easy

Great news he's gone - definitely get the order done so he can't come back

And change the locks and put security lights up so he can't push his way in/attack you - get a panic button from police

Locks have been changed and fire brigade have done a safety visit.
I have already applied for divorce and I’m just in the waiting period to when I can apply for a conditional order and financial order. I will apply for them as soon as I possibly can.
I will be getting an occupation order. There is no way I want him back here after what happened and was witnessed by the kids. I just hope the court agree and grant the order.
I thought the refusal to pay bills was bad enough but this recent behaviour was absolutely horrid.

They do tend to get worse, unfortunately, when they realise you are devious about leaving. Get all the protection you can.