Children's dad not wanting to bring them to extra curricular activities

[Alohapotato]

Children's dad does not want to bring children to activities they have been doing for few years and they really love them.
It will be every other week, how this will impact the children? How will impact their performance on these activities missing half of the lessons? They are now very sad knowing they will be missing their activity every other week.

Well what an absolute shit of a dad he is. He is deliberately ruining something they really enjoy doing. Bastard.

I did but he said is his time not mine..

Clubs were chosen before we split ..

As a child of divorced parents I absolutely resented that my obligation to go to my mother every other weekend meant I could not do things I really wanted to do (Saturday morning music with full orchestra) and it was her fault. Fortunately school had a lot of mid week and lunchtime extracurriculars but I was VERY keen to ditch the contact down to occasional school holiday visits.

He is really not helping his relationship with the kids!

Clubs were chosen years ago before we split. Kids have already formed friendships on these clubs. Is not just about being the next David Beckham it is about doing something they like and commit to it. Dad lives close to the clubs, clubs are just 45min of his time..

My ex husband tried this. Every other weekend contact and one dinner/evening during week. He messed the kids around so much that the judge did ‘instruct’ him he was to take kids to their long standing friday night activity. No distance involved and no cost to him.
He messed them around so much….
Now both young adults and both of them have very little to do with him… it comes back to bite them in the arse when they don’t put their kids needs/wants first…

Remember contact is for the benefit of the children not the parent

I’m fascinated about how a parent so capable of such petty cruelty ever seemed attractive. Why are there so many man children and why do we fall for them?

Most narcissistic people are initially very charming and loving.

Also, in my case, I think I could see the red flags waving but they were barely noticeable as I waded through a fog of awful grief and PTSD.

OP, His response indicates that he resents your interference in his time with them. This might be as simple as resenting your asking questions and giving advice on what he should be doing with them. It’s a petty response but people get petty in divorces. They are often given advice that is petty, retaliatory and which puts the children right in the middle of it. I see it on here all the time.

Stubbornness is a more likely and common behaviour than narcissism.

I would back off for a few weeks and let him realise these are things he should be supporting the children with. Let him see it’s not you he is fighting with but them and how he deals with that. If he persists then you have evidence of poor parenting.

One of the most difficult aspects of co parenting is that there will be situations where you want to rush in and take the lead but can’t. The best you can hope for is to be influential with the other parent.

It really isn't quality time if you'd rather be somewhere else doing something else.

It's not like the activities are new, just continuation of long standing activities with established friendships.

I got very few extra curriculars growing up, swimming lessons to a decent level of competence and very local dance (I was rubbish but enjoyed the chance to try). A couple of gymnastics "camps" as a break in the holidays. So having to miss out on the fab local music school because of contact was frustrating. I can still remember how happy I was at 14 when I was allowed to go to my mother's after music on Saturday and could join the classes!

Structure the week differently. Dad has Mon & Tues, you have Wed & Thurs, alternate Fri- Sun. The kids know Weds is with Mum and they go to Cubs, Mon is with Dad and they stay home and eat pizza.

Clubs are not on Wednesdays, Thursdays, I don't know what you are talking about..

Actually a judge can order the NRP to take a child to activities - particularly if they were in place pre separation as they are seen as continuing care of the child.

It's written into my child's CAO that they are taken to activities X,Y&Z by the NRP.

(I would think it unfair to add more activities, but sports the child has always done is absolutely right to continue).

This is such a common issue. I know of so many families where the dad does this to cause upset to his ex, not caring about the upset to the kids. I wonder if it’s because they see kids as possessions not real people.

Id try mediation and stress that it is in the best interests of the children that they have the stability and security of continuing their clubs that they have done for several years. I’d also say that if ex doesn’t change his stance then you will have a chat to each club to see what arrangements can be made. The thought of other people knowing what a dick he is being might make him think again. And he is being a dick.

Taking kids to clubs is part of normal family life. Some of the best conversations happen on the way to clubs. It also gives the parent the opportunity to have one on one time with the other child on a regular basis. That’s really important quality time.

I'm so so glad that my Dad (NRP) didn't pull this shit. He lived 30-45 mins away and always made sure we attended our clubs and friends parties that fell on his time.

@Alohapotato - the OP you responded to was juts trying to suggest you structure the days differently during the week if you are concerned about missing clubs, they don't know what night the clubs are on. So stop getting them to go to their dads on club nights, and have them go on non activity nights.

Haven’t RTFT. How old are your children, OP? Could they ask their Dad directly to take them to their clubs? Is he being obstructive because you’re asking and he wants to upset you?

The other possibility is that their coaches might have a word with your ex. They’ll have to tell their coaches that they now can’t come every other week, because their Dad won’t take them. My children’s coaches wouldn’t be happy with this and would definitely have a word with him to explain that it’ll affect the whole team if they can’t practice regularly. Teams can be pretty competitive and you need a good reason why you can’t attend practice. My DS got in trouble last week, because he said he needed to miss practice because he had a stuffy nose….his coach wasn’t impressed and said that it wasn’t a good enough reason!

It’s difference in parenting style 🤷‍♀️

dh and I are very big on extra curriculars and our kids do a lot of activities.

his ex is not. She doesn’t want to take them, thinks weekends should be for visiting family, evenings should be spent doing homework.

even when the kids begged, we paid and arranged it all, she’d let them go once then say it was too much and they had to stay in for homework. Even music club in school time was stopped.

wasted a lot of money so gave up in the end. I don’t know what she had against hobbies but can’t force someone to parent how you think they should. She was more relaxation time is a few beers with family or a meal down the pub.

But parents don’t dictate which evenings football teams practice, for example, @Loverofoxbowlakes , it depends when the coaches and the practice fields are available. If practice happens to fall on a NRP’s day, there’s nothing that the RP can do about it.

Same with matches, the football league schedules the dates/times. Even ballet and swimming classes are scheduled by the teachers, unless they’re private lessons.

So either the parents follow the schedule or deprive their children of the opportunity.

Yes, different parenting styles, @Nonamesleft1 . What’s unfair though is when an older child is skilled at an activity and starts falling behind skill-wise or is even kicked off a team because they miss too many practices.

It’s one thing for an eight-year-old to miss Cubs every other week, but if a 14-year-old is on a competitive football team, for example, they’re expected to show up.

Yes. Older dsd was a talented gymnast and really loved it.

simply wasn’t doable though when mum wasn’t supportive and didn’t want her doing it. We offered to do all the taking and bring her home but still no, she wanted her home every evening.

some parents just don’t think hobbies are worth the effort. I remember being called pushy once because my toddler did a baby dance class, a baby gym class, and I took her swimming once a week. They were only going to do anything if the child specifically asked to join an activity.

I don't think it's different parenting styles, he did bring them to extra curricular activities when we were together..

That was an example. The point is that you have them on the days they have clubs and he has them on the days they don't. Unless you've arranged extra curriculars for every evening of the week without consulting him...

‘only every other weekend and the week children dont see him during the weekend they go to his dad for 2 nights’
Does this mean you never have your kids at weekends? They’re either at the mans house, or their grandfathers house?