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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Children's dad not wanting to bring them to extra curricular activities

77 replies

Alohapotato · 21/11/2023 05:12

Children's dad does not want to bring children to activities they have been doing for few years and they really love them.
It will be every other week, how this will impact the children? How will impact their performance on these activities missing half of the lessons? They are now very sad knowing they will be missing their activity every other week.

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 21/11/2023 05:19

What’s his reason? Is it too far?

In terms of performance it depends what the activity is. I can only go to one of mine every other week as I do shifts.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 05:23

There isn’t anything you can do. Just explain to the child that if they want to go during dads time they need to talk to him about it.

unkownone · 21/11/2023 05:41

A friend has this same issue. She does all the dropping off and picking up even on his time. He has no reason not to do the drop offs etc he’s just being petty. The kids will end up not going to his when they’re old enough to have their say.

Autieangel · 21/11/2023 06:25

Yes we had this was really frustrating as I was paying for the activity! We ended up dropping it as they missed too much and it wasn't worth it. Was really annoying as he lived a 5 min drive away.

Once they were old enough they barely saw him. (Not just because of that) They see him maybe 2/3 times a year now.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 21/11/2023 06:31

You need to rearrange the activity so it doesn't fall on his days.

minisoksmakehardwork · 21/11/2023 06:40

@Loverofoxbowlakes - that's not always possible! I'm thinking of clubs like scouting or guiding which generally have a once a week meeting. Other groups often don't have immediate spaces to move into. And when a child has already endured disruption to their life when their dad left, why should they have to endure more disruption for a parent who cannot take them to an ongoing commitment.

If dad hasn't moved miles away there is no reason why he could not still take them. If he has, can the contact arrangements be changed so they don't fall on that particular activity day. Ie pick up and drop off happens the day after the activity and the day before.

It sounds like you're trying a 50/50 split with week turnabout. Realistically, your ex needs to be in board with the children's existing commitments for that to happen. Otherwise a contact schedule which allows for them to visit after the activity and return home is going to be needed for them to continue.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 06:44

How far is it from dad's house?

Wildhorses2244 · 21/11/2023 06:52

My ex is quite lazy about stuff like this but luckily he doesn’t want 50/50 so I work round his days.

If it’s just one day - eg he only has them thur night and this club is on thur - I would probably suck it up and either change the schedule if possible or have them go half the time if not. Longer term you would probably need to move them to a different club for the same activity on another night.

If he’s asking for 50/50 but is saying that he’s unable to facilitate any of the clubs on his time Id speak to him about whether 50/50 is in the best interests of the children it means they lose all of their activities.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 21/11/2023 06:57

@minisoksmakehardwork i understand that, been there, bought the t-shirt, had the dressing-down from the football coach about commitment to the team etc etc. If dad won't take them, there really is nothing op(or any other parent) can do unfortunately. It's the kids' scheduled time with their dad, and if he can't/won't take them then unfortunately they are going to miss out. They'll figure it out in the end though, kids aren't daft.

The only alternative is to change the contact schedule, through court if necessary.

My kids never commented to anything on dad's days and really did resent him for it in the end. He eventually began dropping days and when it became a regular thing of him just not turning up I started rsvp-ing to birthday parties and football training anyway.

Theunamedcat · 21/11/2023 07:01

Ultimately he will be driving a wedge between himself and his children one of ds biggest bugbears about his father when he was younger was the fact that they did nothing went nowhere yes he has pictures of them at the park he would take them photograph them send me the pictures as evidence and then take them off the park shove them at nan and grandads TV

And definitely no friends parties I suggested swimming lessons he said my time only the list went on the kids resent it

spidermonkeys · 21/11/2023 07:03

Yep. Same here! He saw it as 'his time' with the DC so activities/birthday parties etc were a solid No. despite the kids begging him every weekend. They stopped going regularly when they were old enough to vote with their feet. Strangely it was then when Dad decided to turn up to watch every game 🙄😂

SD1978 · 21/11/2023 07:03

How old are the kids? Is it an option for you to take them? Sadly- he can choose not to- although it will damage his relationship with them.

CurlewKate · 21/11/2023 07:12

It's absolutely shit and you shouldn't have to-but can you take them anyway?

GuinnessBird · 21/11/2023 07:24

CurlewKate · 21/11/2023 07:12

It's absolutely shit and you shouldn't have to-but can you take them anyway?

Not if it's during the father's contact time.

It's shit but if the activities are during the father's contact time he hasn't got to take them.

Soontobe60 · 21/11/2023 07:31

What is his reason? If it’s that he only sees them that night, and by them doing the activity he will only see them for an hour or so, then I can understand it. Why is he only seeing them every other week anyway?
I suggest you both look at this from their POV - change the nights he sees them so that they won’t miss either the activity or seeing their dad. Or, change the night they do the activity.

CornishGem1975 · 21/11/2023 07:33

We have this situation but it's my SC mother that won't do it. I don't get it, put the kids first.

GuinnessBird · 21/11/2023 07:40

CornishGem1975 · 21/11/2023 07:33

We have this situation but it's my SC mother that won't do it. I don't get it, put the kids first.

I may be going against the grain here but if the activities were arranged to happen during her contact time then why should she?

If myself and my husband split up, it's common sense that any activities I arranged for our daughter would have to occur when I had her and likewise for my husband.

It's not unheard of for the other parent to deliberately sign their children up for activities with the aim of reducing the time they spend with the other parent.

UnremarkableBeasts · 21/11/2023 07:41

GuinnessBird · 21/11/2023 07:24

Not if it's during the father's contact time.

It's shit but if the activities are during the father's contact time he hasn't got to take them.

Show quote history

This may be practically true but the whole concept that it’s ’their father’s time’ is often what lies beneath these kind of problems.

The father isn’t thinking about it as his kids’ time. Nor is he thinking about their lives. Instead it’s ’his time’ to do what he wants with ‘his children’.

Practically, there’s nothing you can do to change how he is.

Whyohwhywyoming · 21/11/2023 07:47

what a prick. It’s not his time with them. It’s their time with him. They are the priority. Tell him he’s a selfish twat and either rearrange contact, or tell him that you’ll be taking them anyway. He can take you to court if he likes, the courts aren’t there to protect his time, they are there to assess the child’s best interests, and participation in clubs and activities are very much considered, I know this as one of mine plays a competitive sport and this was recognised as a commitment that needed to be kept to.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 07:53

It really depends on how far away dad lives from the activities. My DSC's mum keeps signing them up for activities which would involve a 3 hour round trip as she moved away and they are all near her house. DH then feels he has to take them if they are on his time but the issue is there's two of them so the one who doesn't have the activity is forced to go along for 3 hours in the car.

WrongSwanson · 21/11/2023 07:55

GuinnessBird · 21/11/2023 07:40

I may be going against the grain here but if the activities were arranged to happen during her contact time then why should she?

If myself and my husband split up, it's common sense that any activities I arranged for our daughter would have to occur when I had her and likewise for my husband.

It's not unheard of for the other parent to deliberately sign their children up for activities with the aim of reducing the time they spend with the other parent.

Show quote history

Sometimes a hobby starts on one night then as they progress it moves evening though.

This is what happened to DSS. And his mum hates spending any money, even a few pence on petrol, so she refuses to take him to hobbies he loves. (We pay for the hobby, she just has to take him)

(She isn't poor, she lives mortgage free in a 5 bed house in the SE)

UnremarkableBeasts · 21/11/2023 08:33

I imagine that a parent deliberately signing a child up for activities to spite the other parent and interfere with ‘their time’ is far less common than the other parent playing the victim and interpreting their children’s desire to do those activities via a ‘my evil ex who is out to get me lens’.

My STBXH likes to complain that he never got a chance to play organised sport as a child (and he harbours a belief that, if only he had been allowed to, he’d have been a professional sportsman). But… he’s very selfish and doesn’t seem to translate this into anything other than being angry about classes and activities for DS impinging on ‘his time’ or being inconvenient to him. I had to (via a mediator) explain to him that HE will be the parent who DS complains denied him the opportunity to play organised sport in the future.

Kids activitues are pretty much always inconvenient to parents - no one really wants to spend a Sunday morning at the side of a rugby pitch in the November drizzle. None of the parents hanging around the community theatre cafe waiting for their kids to finish drama classes is doing it because they love sitting in municipal feeling cafes waiting around. Absolutely no one takes their kids to 5am swimming training because they really love getting up at 4am and driving to a swimming pool to sit in the car drinking coffee for 90 mins.

But parents do it because their child is getting something from being able to participate. It’s also the case that the apparently malign parent is usually also taking the child to the activities during their contact time. It is unlikely to be some malevolent plot to ruin the other parent’s contact time EOW if the parent is also doing it on the contact weekends their child has with them.

UnremarkableBeasts · 21/11/2023 08:37

I still have to pay for DS’s activities. And STBXH elects to pick DS up after lunchtime on a Saturday so that he doesn’t have to take him to a swimming lesson.

But that’s just more the ‘mum pays for and facilitates everything and dad tries to get the credit wherever possible’ scenario which has been the pattern of DS’s life. And may well have been a contributing factor to the man being a STBXH.

CornishGem1975 · 21/11/2023 09:16

I may be going against the grain here but if the activities were arranged to happen during her contact time then why should she?

She doesn't @GuinnessBird That's the point. Everyone berating dads for not taking them but mums do the same on their time.

But it's always a tool to attack the other parent with.

Either way, I still think it's fucking shit if you've got a kid who does a hobby or activity that they love and one parent chooses not to facilitate that FOR THE CHILD.

Chickens come home to roost when that child gets older and they realise the selfishness of the other parent, I'm seeing it firsthand now.

As well as having SC I have my own DC with my ex husband and neither of us have ever prevented the kids doing what they love, because of our choice to split.

CornishGem1975 · 21/11/2023 09:19

If myself and my husband split up, it's common sense that any activities I arranged for our daughter would have to occur when I had her and likewise for my husband.

In an ideal world maybe, but if you have a child who plays football for a team, that doesn't work. Training is every week, football matches are every Saturday or Sunday. If you do every other weekend like most people, that would mean they can't do any activities like that.

What a shame for those kids.