Children’s arrangements

[Chickendipper2022]

My divorce has been going on for 3 years due to ex stalling and not engaging with solicitor. Finally got a letter from his solicitor and we are not agreeing arrangements for children . He is self employed and when he has work he can’t seem to get it done in work hours and works during night also .. he also gets stressed and this is his trigger for abuse.. which worries me when he has kids after school .
he wants Wednesday/Thursday over nights ( week one ) and Wednesday -Sunday ( week 2 ) I have suggested Thursday only week one and Thursday to Monday morning week 2 . This would hopefully give him more quality time and the kids hopefully won’t get a hard time due to work stress . He wants me to still do school run clubs etc on his days . I really feel they are better off with me during the week.. he also only had one week during the last summer holidays .. any advice ?

I wouldn't be doing any school runs and clubs on "his" days - they are either "his" days or they aren't

Personally i would not be doing
School runs and pick ups or clubs on his days.
When is your time to build your career or have your down time. Also, i guarantee you he will be continually late collecting from you-because he can. Leaving you wondering whether to feed them or shower them or put them to bed. Still doing spellings and homework etc. Yet no getting maintenance for those days despite doing all the hard bits.

Mornings he will throw them at you in their pjs without packed lunch and it will get earlier and earlier.

That set up would have you semi separated and still acting as his wife/servant.

If he isn't available to parent his children on weekdays then he should only have them on alternate weekends.

It’s very hard as I have been their primary carer since birth and I work school pick ups around my job . He knows I would do or as I will miss them so is Is using this .. I don’t want to agree to his proposal

But you now work part time hours for greatly reduced pay to benefit your time with the kids.
Its no longer for the benefit of the family or to support his business.

If you feel in any way charitable i would agree to either do mornings or evenings on his days-but not both. But i suspect if you give an inch he will take a mile.

Also remember some of these guys say they want a lot. Sometimes-let them have it and sit back and wait for them to realise its not realistic and learn the hard way.

No. Tell him you cannot do drop offs and pick ups on his days and that you are planning on increasing your work hours on those days.
What an idiot. Why does he think you’re his nanny? Either you are responsible for the kids for a greater proportion of the week and he pays maintenance which you can put towards either wrap round care or to make up the difference so you can continue to work part time, or he does 50/50 and takes on 50% of the cost of wrap round childcare or he changes his work schedule.

So he's looking for a 50/50 split of nights, with you still doing all the pick ups and drop offs......no is the answer. He will be responsible for the children entirely on his days, and your part time working was to accomodate the family- which on his days is no longer a requirement.

Also, what has been the arrangement for the last 3 years? I really, really wouldn't be facilitating what he wants- you want to because you want to see the kids and don't want their activities compromised- he's relying on that guilt to get what he wants on his terms. It may mean the kids missing out- but that's on him, and his choice. Don't let him guilt you into beleive Ing it's yours!

I think it works out 60/40. He was very annoyed he wound still need to pay maintenance albeit a small amount . The problem is I don’t him taking the stress of his work out on the kids . He is EA any verbally abusive . I get up very early /wake up late so my hours are not part time . Does it mean court if I don’t agree ?

No. Don’t agree to do school runs on his time.

How old are DC? We started close to 50-50 but have drifted closer to eow as they’ve got older and voted with their feet.

@Chickendipper2022 - have you basically done everything for the last 3 years? Picked up the slack he can't be arsed organising for himself?

Dont do the school runs on his days. Keep negotiating. Give him blocks of time that he is entirely responsible for the kids. He will probably change his mind as it’s difficult. So let him be responsible on those days.

Yes I have done everything for 3 years . Well since they were born , one has just started secondary and one in primary . I am seeing my solicitor later . Any advice ? I want to offer 5/14 so they don’t have to cope with his horrid mood swings , he is very verbally abusive when is is stressed so I am trying to give him more leisure time instead ..

Just keep saying you are not doing the school runs on his days. That’s such an unreasonable request that his solicitor will quickly put him straight once he/she hears it from you that that unusual arrangement is not something you’re willing to entertain.

his solicitor suggested it , he said this way I would get to see the kids everyday . It’s very manipulative I think , the tone of his letters is horrible . My ex knows he can’t do after school and is trying to say this still benefit me

I agree you should say no. This is his way of trying to reduce maintenance but not doing any of the work on those days! On the days he has them he's fully responsible so it makes sense for it to be pitched at the number of days that works for him.

He could use after school club?

he needs to organise ( and pay if necessary) care on his time to ensure drop off and pick ups. That’s not your job if he cant

and if he can’t/wont, then he cant have 50:50

I want to keep things consistent for the kids , I don’t want to send them to after school club when I can have them . I think in some situations 50/50 does not work for the children

Nothing wrong with asc, they can be good for kids as well
don’t just see them as a negative !

Yes I don’t think they are a bad thing but they he kids do activities outside of school so it’s a lot of running around on the days he wants , he of course is happy for me to do this

Also depends on what school , our after school club isn’t great and most kids dislike going

It’s up to him to figure out how to parent his kids when he has them. Decline any attempt to palm off his failure to organise himself on to you to solve. The solicitor must have been laughing their heads off when ‘offering’ you do school drop offs/pick ups for the abuser.

This is the bit you need to let go of ..

no you won’t be facilitating school runs / after school activities . He is self employed . Can sort his hours around his kids .

The solicitor is writing what ex suggested .

You do you on your days . You can only protect them so much . If they are upset with his behaviour then revisit. He may be very different without you there

Agree , you need to be firm. If you flatly refuse will he see how they might be better off with you during the week. Also if your oldest is at secondary will they have a say ?

I agree that in all cases 5050 is not in the best interests of the children but that is not what he's asking for. If he wants an arrangment where he has the children X amount of nights and you feel that's a reasonable set up, then that's what he gets, but make it very clear that that includes school runs, after school care, getting them to clubs etc. When they're with him, he is the parent with responsiblility for them.

You are not a PA or a taxi service on the end of the phone, and as hard as it is, and I hear you one hundred percent, trying to throw yourself between the kids and their dad to protect them from his moods isn't sustainable, and you will drive yourself into the ground trying.

You need to accept that you are getting divorced from this man, and all that it entails. You can't protect your children from his shortcomings, this is their story, this is their dad. You no longer exist to make his life easier, and if he wants a relationship with his children he is going to have to make compromises with his time, readjust his priorites and work for it, like you do.

Water finds it's own level, this is a long game, your kids are still young. It sounds to me as he won't actually be as keen to have them as he's currently professing as time goes on. Sit tight.

I doubt very much that it was his solicitor’s idea. Solicitors will write whatever their client asks within reason. But they also know what a court will or will not order. No court will order that you must do all the school runs on your ex’s days. Having a big job is not a reason why your ex owes you hours of their time outside of your agreed time with the kids.