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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Children’s arrangements

31 replies

Chickendipper2022 · 12/11/2023 20:06

My divorce has been going on for 3 years due to ex stalling and not engaging with solicitor. Finally got a letter from his solicitor and we are not agreeing arrangements for children . He is self employed and when he has work he can’t seem to get it done in work hours and works during night also .. he also gets stressed and this is his trigger for abuse.. which worries me when he has kids after school .
he wants Wednesday/Thursday over nights ( week one ) and Wednesday -Sunday ( week 2 ) I have suggested Thursday only week one and Thursday to Monday morning week 2 . This would hopefully give him more quality time and the kids hopefully won’t get a hard time due to work stress . He wants me to still do school run clubs etc on his days . I really feel they are better off with me during the week.. he also only had one week during the last summer holidays .. any advice ?

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 13/11/2023 12:38

What do you mean exactly by verbally abusive?
as for the conditions about you doing all the legwork on his days well he is taking the absolute piss

Blendiful · 13/11/2023 13:10

If he can't do the school runs and clubs on his days, then they aren't his days and so the kids stay with you. He only has them on days he can commit to doing all he needs to do for them independently of you.

Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2023 13:15

Do not take the kids on his days.

  1. it will facilitate him asking for more time overall, which is something you are legitimately concerned about
  2. You need to start prioritizing your own earning power
  3. the reality is that days = child maintenance. On his days he is responsible for all expenses. If you are ferrying them around and feeding them, you are going to be subsidizing him.
GwenGhost · 13/11/2023 13:27

GwenGhost · 13/11/2023 12:34

I doubt very much that it was his solicitor’s idea. Solicitors will write whatever their client asks within reason. But they also know what a court will or will not order. No court will order that you must do all the school runs on your ex’s days. Having a big job is not a reason why your ex owes you hours of their time outside of your agreed time with the kids.

Eugh. Terrible editing sorry. Last sentence is supposed to say :
Your ex’s big job is not a reason a court would think should provide him with your time for free on his days in charge of your shared children.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/11/2023 13:42

Chickendipper2022 · 13/11/2023 09:31

Yes I don’t think they are a bad thing but they he kids do activities outside of school so it’s a lot of running around on the days he wants , he of course is happy for me to do this

I honestly get your concern but the kids will soon have a lot to say if he can't/won't facilitate their clubs, they will cause uproar and he'll back down and change arrangements.

I have lived in a similar situation to you and facilitated everything and was so accommodating because of the kids, do you know where it got me? Run ragged, with little money whilst he lives the life of Riley. I put my foot down and he doesn't like it but it's tough. I just say to the kids 'ask your dad as it's his time and mummy can't force him so it's up to him' - I refuse to take on his parenting as well as my own. His guilt is his to live with.

OutDamnedSpot · 13/11/2023 13:56

Seas164 · 13/11/2023 11:15

I agree that in all cases 5050 is not in the best interests of the children but that is not what he's asking for. If he wants an arrangment where he has the children X amount of nights and you feel that's a reasonable set up, then that's what he gets, but make it very clear that that includes school runs, after school care, getting them to clubs etc. When they're with him, he is the parent with responsiblility for them.

You are not a PA or a taxi service on the end of the phone, and as hard as it is, and I hear you one hundred percent, trying to throw yourself between the kids and their dad to protect them from his moods isn't sustainable, and you will drive yourself into the ground trying.

You need to accept that you are getting divorced from this man, and all that it entails. You can't protect your children from his shortcomings, this is their story, this is their dad. You no longer exist to make his life easier, and if he wants a relationship with his children he is going to have to make compromises with his time, readjust his priorites and work for it, like you do.

Water finds it's own level, this is a long game, your kids are still young. It sounds to me as he won't actually be as keen to have them as he's currently professing as time goes on. Sit tight.

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This. Every word of this.

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