Need help with council housing

[Haley86]

for background see my other posts. After one year I am still forced to shared a privately rented flat with my abusive ex who uses it to control and abuse me even more.

I am being drained of funds by the court process and lost my job. I am on UC but live in Kensington which is obviously expensive.
I have lived here for years.

He also ruined my credit score by taking debt on my name. Even if I get a high paying job I can’t have a deposit or rating good enough so I am trapped.

My kids already had to move schools. One is SEN. I suffer from depression and anxiety and between all of that can not possibly handle moving somewhere far away.

RBKC council have been most unhelpful. They say I am not eligible to be on council housing list because we rent a two bed flat and are not overcrowded. they only suggest somewhere 2 hours away as an option…It’s just not something I or my kids can handle emotionally…I have been suicidal in the past and going through DV, am I wrong to think there’s some duty of care within the area I’ve lived in for years, where my kids go to school?

I’ve chased and chased them.
I did not even get a written response as they promised. I can be dead from domestic abuse or the consequences of it tomorrow and no one cares.

I am utterly desperate and don’t see a way out…Shelter are impossible to reach btw over months of calling/chat .
An advocate who knows the rules and can help on my behalf is what I need but I can’t get one 😔 I never thought I would be in this place, and never believed there is no help.

You have no family, few friends, no job and are stuck around an abusive ex.... seriously, take the chance to move as a fresh start
The less he is round the better
Clearly, where you are and what you are doing isn't working.
It's time for a real change.

He never physically and verbally abused me, it’s all pressuring me into debt and emotional, controlling behaviour.
they ask if he restricted access to money for example, well, not outright but if he took debt on my name and now stopped paying what is it then? He is sophisticated and they just can’t handle things which are not textbook.

I can’t even afford to move somewhere far. Only now he caused my credit rating to plunge 80 points and it’s been one month.

police report was made today but since it’s not threats or violence they were really useless.

Same with social services.
they asked if the kids like him. They do, he hardly is with them but when he is it’s all fun.

I just feel trapped…

Can u not apply for refuge through womens aid?
Also no matter if its not physical violence its still abuse !

It does not sound as though you are going to achieve anything by staying in the same area so perhaps you need to move away and start again.

You talk about shared care but if your ex is abusive to the point your 4 year old is pulling out his hair due to the stress, is that really in the best interests of the DC? And you’ve also said he is rarely with the DC, so once you both move out, will he actually ever see the DC? There are many dads who never do and he sounds like one of them.

Have a look at this thread in classics about a single mum who moved to Scotland to a HA home and completely changed her life:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/4766930-single-mum

I know it can be tough when you are in the thick of it to see clearly but there is good advice on this thread. There are dozens of threads on social housing in London that make it clear that it’s virtually impossible to get unless you wait for years. You don’t seem to have any strong reason to stay in London. The DCs dad is a deadbeat Why not seriously consider a move? I know it is scary but the Council cannot provide housing it doesn’t have. There are appropriate schools in other places. If you take a HA house elsewhere then you can be settled and focus on improving other parts of your life. I’d really encourage you to look into it more.

I think you need to accept that staying in London (especially in Kensington) is not going to be an option unless you have serious amounts of money.
You will not get a council property for at least 15 years. If the council do accept duty to you it will be in temp accommodation (think hostel/hotel/b and b) until they find you even more long term temp accommodation.
I was bought up in London, spent my adult life working in London, had a family and had to leave London because I got made homeless( landord sold the property).

You will be fine moving out. Children adapt to
School changes. There is a lot of support outside London.

Someone upthread posted a link to getting a legal aid solicitor. Did you try this?

Why Kensington? There are plenty of perfectly nice, normal places away from London. Dare I say- better to bring children up in. Green spaces, cheaper activities and a more affordable lifestyle in general. Kensington is unrealistic except for the very wealthy.

Move. Take what the council offers elsewhere. Don't refuse in order to help or support your pathetic husband see the children. You've said yourself he barely parents. He can travel. Move yourself and the kids and start a higher quality of living.

Your boyfriend/ ex has run up considerable debt on your credit card. Have you cancelled it?! Are you able to start paying it off. Honestly, he's not going to and whilst I'm sure it's true he coerced you into borrowing, the bank won't care. Your name is on it and you're liable. Start paying.

It seems crazy you have this fixation with staying in RBKC. There is life outside London.

A 2 bedroomed flat in Kensington will be worth a fortune, get it sold and start afresh somewhere a lot cheaper.

I would report the credit card fraud, it's financial abuse, start a paper trail with various agency's. Speak to your GP about the stress you are under, this will help in the long run.

Start looking at places in the country that you would be happy to move too, and keep that as your focus.

They can't give you what they haven't got, OP. I would imagine that there aren't many available council flats in Kensington just waiting for someone to take them. If you're offered a council house, take it. Even if it's two hours away. Work out the details later.

You need to ask them to help you escape, temporary accommodation will likely be out of the area. Take it! They will then assist with getting you back to the area and into a permanent place. They do have a duty of care in this particular case, you are being financially controlled and his behaviour sounds very like coercion - which is a criminal offence. (I speak from bitter experience) .. sadly

Op

You need to accept that financial abuse is almost impossible to prove and as you're not being physically or verbally abused the police will not be Interested.

1. I would declare myself bankrupt and draw a line under your debts

2 take accommodation where ever you are offered it. You will never ever get offered a property in one of the moat expensive boroughs in the country . The council are not obliged to house you here. Emotional needs are not taken into account.

You need to make your peace with this op .

To everyone saying emotional needs are not taken into consideration, I have already been under suicide watch in the past.
I don’t think I can mentally take it. It’s not a case of being spoilt.

I can’t move to wherever. I do have some friends here and a professional network. I can’t just abduct my kids without consent and then fight. I will be making myself the abuser by doing something like that, as was said, the police is not really viewing anything non physical/verbal as actual DV so I would be the one committing a crime.

All these solutions are replacing one problem or stress with another. What I would really want is just someone to walk with me in this journey, and out of all the charities I spoke with there was none who did that.

I am just exhausted by navigating this horrible situation…

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation but truly social housing is in a mess. Your borough, like most others, will have thousands upon thousands on the waiting list in the same situation unfortunately. As hard as it is, if they offer you temporary accommodation then I'd take it and all of the rest can be sorted from there. It will be an awful upheaval but at least you'd be safe. The only other option I can see, if you're unable to rent privately, is to move to a refuge which is also likely to be in an area away from the abuse.

There are women's centres and charities that can help support you through the process but are not likely to be able to offer housing options outside of council housing.

I can’t move to wherever. I do have some friends here and a professional network. I can’t just abduct my kids without consent and then fight. I will be making myself the abuser by doing something like that

I am saying this in a gentle, calm voice:

• yes, you can move out of the borough and out of London! Long term, you'll have more money, more affordable activities for DC and more space.
• your friends will still be your friends wherever you go. You will be able to see them if that's important. London is easily accessible via public transport. You'll also make new ones wherever you go, people who will know you but won't have any type of connection to your ex.
• you are currently not working, your professional network is crumbling while you are unavailable. People will remember you as unavailable, unreliable or simply disinterested. It's hard to come back from that.
• your relationship with DC'S dad is ended. Nobody will say you abducted your own DC or you've taken them without consent if you are simply taking the next available housing option. You can sort access once you are safe.
• you are not the abuser! But you are abusing yourself and DC if you stay in this pressure cooker of stress and despair

This is good advice. Nobody will suggest that you are abducting your children if you apply to be housed and the only thing the council can offer is out of borough. In a way, it is the easiest way to put distance between you and your husband, because it is on the record that your wish was to be housed locally.

Also nobody finds it easy to move, but most of us have to do it a few times. It is a normal part of life, and you are feeling trapped precisely because you are ruling out the obvious solution to your problems

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time but the advice on this thread to accept a move is good advice. Refusing to move when you are living with an abusive ex just makes people doubt how bad it really is.

There are lots and lots of people in the same or worse situations who are ahead of you on the priority list. The Council can’t provide what they don’t have.

You can move. Thousands of people do it every year.
I would have absolutely loved to stay in London. I grew up there, my family grew up there, my friends are there, my children were at school there etc.
In the nicest possible way, you need to face reality and making realistic plans for the future .
You can do this. Start looking at other areas. Ask friends that live out of London what the areas are like that they live in.

All these solutions are replacing one problem or stress with another. What I would really want is just someone to walk with me in this journey, and out of all the charities I spoke with there was none who did that.

Again as pp, very gently, that is not happening because it will NOT happen. No charity will 'walk' you into a 2/3 bed council property in Kensington no matter how much you want it sadly.

No matter how much you want it, you aren't going to get a council flat in Kensington, especially when you are currently housed. They must be like gold dust! I know you don't like the look of the other options but you need to decide on the least worst one and go for it. You must realise millions of people would love to live in Kensington, that's why it is one of the most expensive areas in the country. But surely living somewhere away from your ex would be better for your mental health anyway? Good luck!

Where have the council offered you (I know it's 2 hours away) but where exactly?

Right OP, just take a deep breath and let’s take it easy.

Just to clarify, you and your husband are both on the tenancy? Do you have a fixed amount of time left or is it now a rolling contract?

Your best bet is to fill out a homeless application on the council’s website. Inform them that your husband has asked you to leave due to a separation and you have nowhere to go. They have 56 days (may be different where you are) to respond to you and take all of the details.

You and the children will be placed in temporary accommodation. Because you have a child with SEN, it’d most likely be a one bedroom self contained flat. In most cases, when you’re in temporary accommodation, you’re placed in Band C as you technically have somewhere to live (albeit temporary accommodation). Your chances of getting a council property straight away is extremely slim. There’s a massive shortage of council properties hence why people stay in temporary accommodation for YEARS.

Your other choice is going through Women’s Aid in hope of being placed in a refuge shelter. The council will place you in Band A as you’re fleeing domestic violence and will need to be housed asap. You could still be in the refuge from 6 months - 1 year but that obviously depends on a lot of things.

Unfortunately the council won’t help much in your current situation as you have somewhere to live

Also the property that the council have offered you 2 hours away, is that an actual council/HA property? If so, you’ve been incredibly lucky that they’ve offered you a place already so I really suggest you take it

There is an additional form you can complete in my local authority it's called like health and social care needs form or similar. You use it to ask the LA to take into consideration additional needs of the family. I've never seen it make much headway though unless there are significant disabilities.

If you are struggling with mh you can self refer to adult social care although they do speak to housing - thresholds are v high.

Could you afford current property alone if you were receiving benefits as a single claimant with the children?