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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband cheated and left.

49 replies

Sadandstressed1 · 01/11/2023 09:36

2 weeks ago my husband of 10 years (been together since high school) finally admitted he has been cheating, we have 2 young kids.
where do I start? I work part time and can pull in about £1000 a month, he earns close to £2700-3000 depending on his shifts.
we have a joint mortgage which I can’t afford on my own, what would I be entitled to?
He’s not communicating with me, hasn’t asked about the kids etc. I’m at rock bottom and not coping well.
I still love him but I hate him and having a hard time dealing with those feelings.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 01/11/2023 10:06

You need to put in a claim for UC and see what you’re entitled to
you’ll need to think about returning full time

you’ll need to understand what assets there are available and what a split could look like

put in a claim for CMS

have you had/you need to have a discussion about living costs and who pays what in the short to medium term while longer plans are being worked on. Ultimately if he doesn’t pay his share of the mortgage you’ll be expected to. Hopefully he’ll be reasonable in that matter

where is he currently staying ?

do you see a chance of reconciliation?

Original poster
Sadandstressed1 · 01/11/2023 16:34

There is no chance of reconciliation, he’s moved in with the tart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandstressed1 · 01/11/2023 16:35

I can’t go back to work full time because I have the kids to look after, my parents will look after them the 3 days I’m in work, but they are elderly and don’t want to do more than that.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 01/11/2023 16:54

How old are the kids?

The reality is that you will need to use paid childcare at some point (maybe not straight away if the kids are very young). Which will be likely to be subsidised given you income.

Divorces tend to be clean break and it’s quite rare to be able to stay in the house until the kids are 18. Not unheard of but rare. And often it ends up with the parent staying in the house (usually the mum) in a very difficult position when it comes time to sell.

it maybe that the house needs to be sold. No one can tell what the split of assets will be. It could be 50:50. Or it could be more slightly in your favour. Especially as he is already housed. His need is less than yours.

It’s a shit position to be and I am sorry you are going through this.

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 17:01

OP please be prepared for his relationship to go tits up and for him to come grovelling back. When he does, remember how he left you and the dc and how you feel now.

Cosywintertime · 01/11/2023 17:02

How old are the kids op, you maybe entitled to free nursery hours or paid via uc.

starting point is 50 /50 on any assets ie equity in house, pension, savings etc,

he isn’t a high earner so he will have to house himself. The living with the tart won’t absolve that. As they look long term.

‘depending on custody split you will be entitled to child maintenance, so put that in the calculator you can get on line and look at what you can get in benefits.

spousal maintenance is rare now, especially if younger. So you will be expected to work and financially support yourself and your children when you have them, as well as taking what maintenance he will need to pay.

im sorry you’re going through this.

Cosywintertime · 01/11/2023 17:04

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 17:01

OP please be prepared for his relationship to go tits up and for him to come grovelling back. When he does, remember how he left you and the dc and how you feel now.

I dismay of posts like this, it inadvertently puts a kernel of hope in the mind of someone due to finances and tough time ahead. It’s hugely unlikely he will do this if he’s living with this woman now. We all know this.

Original poster
Sadandstressed1 · 01/11/2023 21:04

The kids are 5&8 so at full time school, which is beneficial. I am prepared for him to come grovelling to come back, he had his life made here, loving family, financially secure, he had lots of free time (obviously too much) to go play sports at the weekend. He can’t have any more children due to past medical condition. (If that’s what she wants out of him). If he wants to have the kids at the weekend all his free time would be taken up with looking after them, at least I’d have some time to myself I suppose.
There is absolutely no chance on this planet if take him back, he has broken my heart beyond repair. you don’t do this to someone you are supposed to love! He doesn’t love me that much is evident.
Would the CAB be a worthwhile visit? Or just go to solicitors?

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 01/11/2023 21:15

I am so sorry you are going through this. As others have suggested, see if you would be entitled to benefit top ups for now. I would also contact your mortgage company and explain the situation to them and ask for a payment break ( hopefully this is available within the terms of your mortgage)- this will give you a few months breathing space to come to terms with what is happening. He will have to communicate with you eventually. If you are messaging or contacting him , I’d
stop doing this. Go completely no contact.

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 21:29

Also OP, don’t disregard a Mesher Order if children are young and you don’t want to uproot them. I got one and now can stay in our family home until youngest is 18. Otherwise my also cheating ex husband would have had myself and children homeless.

Cosywintertime · 01/11/2023 21:34

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 21:29

Also OP, don’t disregard a Mesher Order if children are young and you don’t want to uproot them. I got one and now can stay in our family home until youngest is 18. Otherwise my also cheating ex husband would have had myself and children homeless.

Is there not a back story there? Kids with additional needs, your age etc? I only ask as there is usually very specific reasons that’s granted.

millymollymoomoo · 01/11/2023 22:31

He’s not a high earner - c50k it looks like

there won’t be spousal
he won’t long term have to pay mortgage.
You’re likely to end up with a share of house equity ( do you know what it is?) a share of pension if there is one and child maintenance

you’re young and will be expected to maximise your earnings and have enough time to build up your own pension

you might get slightly larger share of assets

Meshers are possible but not favoured especially if for a long time as in this case.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 01/11/2023 22:37

So sorry op.

Do you have support round you? Emotional support? Someone to take the kids for a few hours here and there?

You need to see a solicitor who can give you sound advice. I believe some offer an hour free initially.

Poniesandrainbows · 01/11/2023 22:41

I think to claim UC you'd need to look for a job that pays at least 35 hours a week at minimum wage as you don't have a child under 5.

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 23:09

Domestic abuse with financial information hidden by him in investments etc. Judge took a very dim view, thankfully.

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 23:10

I should say I pay the mortgage - it just simply allowed me to keep the family home without remortgaging at that time which would have been impossible.

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 23:11

You will be okay OP, in time and with love and genuine care if not from those around you, from yourself and your children. ❤️

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 01/11/2023 23:20

It's rubbish you can't claim uc without a 35 hour a week job!

Please seek sound advice from a solicitor.

Morewineplease10 · 01/11/2023 23:28

Speak to CAB about UC claim and what to do about a solicitor.

Take at least half out of any joint accounts.

Get copies of his pay slips and pension docs if you can.

People say you can't lie on divorce paperwork but people do and then the onus is on the other party to prove it.

You will be OK but it's hard. Get support from close, trusted friends and family.

I work less than 34 hours btw and get UC and my kids are older than yours btw!

FSTraining · 01/11/2023 23:50

Isobel89 · 01/11/2023 23:09

Domestic abuse with financial information hidden by him in investments etc. Judge took a very dim view, thankfully.

I don't think the domestic abuse would have changed matters; it would be quite a good reason to financially separate you. What I think must have happened in your case is that the court satisfied itself, based on the hidden investments, that he could afford to buy another property even if stuck on your mortgage. That wouldn't apply to most cases and Mesher Orders are consequently very rare these days.

Poniesandrainbows · 02/11/2023 06:08

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 01/11/2023 23:20

It's rubbish you can't claim uc without a 35 hour a week job!

Please seek sound advice from a solicitor.

I never said a 35 hours a week. You're expected to look for work to earn 35 hours a week at min wage so if you earn more per hour it equates to less hours. Although it looks like from end of October it changed to 30 hours at min wage for people with the age of ops children.

Moro93 · 02/11/2023 06:42

While it’s understandable that you’re angry and will be feeling hateful towards the OW, e.g. calling her a ‘tart’, you would be better to direct all your anger at your DH.
He’s the one who cheated and walked out on his family. Redirect all your anger and bitterness at him, make sure not to take him back on the off chance that he comes back grovelling.

Weatherwax13 · 02/11/2023 06:51

Christ, OP is reeling. I think at this point she can call the OW anything she wants. Poor woman is a ball of rage and shock.
OP see a solicitor asap. If paying for that is an issue ring CAB and Women's Aid for guidance.
I believe in the UK there's a specific website you can google also re what entitlement to UC etc you may have you have. Someone more knowledgeable is bound to suggest it shortly IME.
Get hold of as much financial documentation as you can.
Make sure you put money in an account he can't access at least for now. Don't leave it all where it could be removed.You absolutely must not trust his word on anything from now.
Keep posting for support if it helps you.

Autumndreamsz · 02/11/2023 06:58

Hey OP so sorry to hear you’re in this situation.
Practical things- does school have a breakfast and after school club for childcare? Worth looking at to increase your hours.
In terms of the house, seek legal advice - a judge could rule you could stay in it however you would need to be able to
afford to pay the mortgage, which it sounds like at the moment you couldn’t.
how much equity is in the house? You could argue for more than the 50/50 split as the kids are young. Get the CMS claim in today, sooner the better.