Husband cheated and left.

[Sadandstressed1]

2 weeks ago my husband of 10 years (been together since high school) finally admitted he has been cheating, we have 2 young kids.
where do I start? I work part time and can pull in about £1000 a month, he earns close to £2700-3000 depending on his shifts.
we have a joint mortgage which I can’t afford on my own, what would I be entitled to?
He’s not communicating with me, hasn’t asked about the kids etc. I’m at rock bottom and not coping well.
I still love him but I hate him and having a hard time dealing with those feelings.

Your kids are in school so you can work full time. You'll need to.

Have a google about there are plenty of organisations national and local set up to assist women in your unfortunate situation who could help you with getting the financial assistance available.
Having been through similar myself please make sure you also look after you. See if you can speak to a counsellor, inperson or online to assist you through your feeling and to keep your MH in check.
I also found writing down my feelings daily in a book help get it out.
It's bloody tough when the person you love lets you down and is disloyal to you.
It does get better with time but it is a grieving process so don't be afraid to let you anger and sorrow out.
I hope better days are ahead for you soon OP

Use entitled to or turn2us for a benefit calculation, as you have a mortgage rather than private rent the housing bit is a bit different from what I remember.
With two school aged DC they will expect you to look for work, and find work. You could find before and after school clubs, some schools have wrap around care as well. UC will pay 85% of the cost, they'll also pay the upfront fees if you ask for Flexible Support Fund - you have to ask for it. Apply for Child Maintenance now, he doesn't see the children so you'll get the maximum based on his earnings.

OP let’s look at what you can do. And that is sort out your finances;

• apply for universal credit today. An online calculator should tel you how much you should receive
• apply for single person council tax
• use an online cms calculator and send the findings to your ex and ask him to pay direct.
• go through DD and see if you can make any savings. For example I got rid of sky!
• make sure child benefit goes into your own account.

Agree. The law is not punitive. Judges don’t grant these very very rare orders as they don’t approve of one side or take a dim view of their behaviour.

@Isobel89 , were you likely going to be unable to work or house yourself and he was wealthy?

its important as you’ve made it sound like it’s highly feasible to someone struggling and it’s highly unlikely based on the financials the op has provided to be even considered.

Ex husband had a ‘family home’ bequeathed to him and he was housed at the time of divorce. It is important to get yourself a strong lawyer OP: you are protecting your children’s futures and don’t allow yourself to be backed into a corner.

Thank you, there’s just so much to do!
the school does have an breakfast club but no after school club, so that should be ok, I work 24hours at over minimum wage so hopefully UC is an option.
I have good friends and family support and the neighbours have offered to watch the kids if needed.
I will look into a mesher and see if it is appropriate for us. Just typical the kids are on holiday this week and I can’t get anything sorted.
thank you for suggesting to copy anything financial, I hadn’t thought of that.
With UC and child support I might be able to afford the mortgage, it’s a very modest house.
I’ll look into seeing if I can get a solicitor for an hours free advice.
Some of the bills are in his name and he’s saying that he won’t transfer them to my name, where do I stand with that?

Op it’s not just about affording the mortgage, but also it is highly likely he will need to be paid half the equity, do you have joint savings? Or do you have enough to buy him out of th4 house? What is his pension value? And yours?

I suspect he is not putting things in your name so he retains visible involvement in the property.

he may intend to move back and have you move out. Do you know what he’s thinking in terms of custody?

There it is. You must be careful about the advice you give, if there is a Mesher Order there will be some special reason for it. In your case, your ex-husband had access to another home that he owned.

Most solicitors in Family Law are perfectly competent too. Suggesting the need for a "strong" one is itself a bit misleading to others. Family Law solicitors will ensure you get a fair result but they are not miracle workers.

I appreciate what you are saying but when dealing with abusive men who seek to harm their families, solicitors who are aware of these often very manipulative behaviours are important. But Op, back to you. Stay strong and don’t listen to one word of the gaslighting that will follow. All cheaters do it. Your priority if you and your children.

Yes but most Family Solicitors are used to dealing with abusive men (and women) and all the other divorces inbetween.

That is reassuring but not my experience, sadly.

Ah, but is that because they're not used to dealing with abusers or because they don't approach matters in the way you want them to?

I didn’t request what I was awarded in the divorce. In fact I was so beaten down at the end, it took Women’s Aid support for me to even approach a solicitor of my choosing. Previously my husband had ordered which firm I was to use. I don’t appreciate the cynicism in which you approach my situation. I wish my children and I hadn’t had to experience any of it but we did and I’m grateful that in the end I had a strong legal team who stood up for me because against my bullying husband, on my own, I had no chance. OP, apologies for the hacking of your thread. My advice was simply to stand up for yourself. By this stage of my marriage, I could barely speak. You are worth so much more.

There’s nothing here to suggest he’s abusive
an affair, while devasting, isn’t abusive
disagreeing on finances isn’t abusive
wanting to separate isn’t abusive

solicitors are used to all kinds of tactics in divorce from both sides

at the moment this is all very raw and emotions will be running high. I don’t buy into the notion of getting angry and bitter - that rarely positively impacts the outcome for anyone let alone children caught in the middle. Of course op can feel anger, but rushing to solicitors and acting on it is not productive.

by all means seek advise but then slow down and allow emotions to wane a little. Try to sit and talk to the husband

there will be immediate needs then longer term outcomes to resolve.

there is also nothing in the limited info here to suggest there are lots of assets or high earning husband. To the contrary. There also needs to be a level of realism that both parties will be worse off, op may not be able to keep the house , and will in all likelihood need to work full time or manage on top up benefits plus child maintenance

Women's Aid are a great charity but they don't have to follow the same code of ethics as solicitors. They can believe abuse victims at face value without having to consider whether the evidence is sufficient to put before a court for example (solicitors might think you are an abuse victim but have a duty to act in your best interests and if there is no reliable evidence it's in your best interests to not pursue a claim).

So it is good that Women's Aid were able to step in and find you a solicitor but what I'm saying is that they could have approached most solicitors and got the same result. What you needed was to be believed and supported by someone, not the "right" solicitor; Women's Aid are what made the real difference for you.

I’m sorry you went through this, but people are trying to help the op. At this stage there is nothing to suggest she is being abused. And it seems highly unlikely they own two homes. Im glad women’s aid helped you but based on the facts stated the op is not dealing with an abuse situation or two houses.

Bloody hell, leave @Isobel89 alone! She simply shared her experience, which may or may not be relevant to the OP's situation- We don't know the ins and outs of her life do we?! Nice way to derail the thread by trying to silence a supportive poster!

OP I'm so sorry about your cheating husband. It must be a massive shock. If you can possibly have a chat with a solicitor, I'd highly recommend it. I thought stbxh and I would be cool to sort it out between us, but tbh when you have strong emotional ties to someone, whether that is love or hate, you're not always in the best place to make decisions that will benefit you in the long term. This may not be the case with you though! I was just an idiot who lost out a lot by trying to be nice...

He has never been abusive in any way.
he has his own bank account, I’m not sure if he has any savings, I have my own bank account but no savings, and we have a joint account where the bills gets paid. My pension isn’t all that much I’m not to sure about his.
live been texting a counsellor today because I’ve felt so down, if it wasn’t for the kids I don’t know what I would have done. I need help I know that, I just want to know why, was it something I did? Why am I left in a shit situation which is not of my making, but I have to sort out as usual, I’m the one putting the kids to bed while they are crying for their dad. Bastard!
I don’t think I would be able to put the kids in the child minders if I worked full time, that’s the problem it would cost more than I could earn.
do I need to be approaching the council to see if they could find a house for us? Would they help if we have a house for the time being?
I want to sell all of his stuff or take a hammer to it!

It’s normal to feel this way op
you’re hurt, confused , fearful and it’s ra. You’ll go through all kinds of roller coaster emotions. And you’ll come out the other side ok. In the meantime take it day by day, don’t rush things, go easy on yourself and seek support where you can

Definitely use the free hours of solicitors to get advice! Just be aware that some might try to sell you their services but try and have some questions ready beforehand that you want answered.
Also to help you get started, see if this help guide can help you get everything in order so the process is a little easier https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/
I get it, it's much harder when kids are involved but it sounds like they're in good hands with you to get through this xxx

@Sadandstressed1
Don't expect him to come groveling back. Get on with obtaining legal representation and preparing for your life as a single parent.

Your life will necessarily change, and your finances will likely be strained. That is just the reality that you will face. Prepare to work full-time . This is the reality that single moms often face, but they cope and survive. You will do the same.

If he was cheating for quite some time, then things have been fractured for quite a bit. Don't look at this relationship through rose tinted glasses. Recognize the relationship for what it was and had become. Don't fall into the trap of believing that you have lost some great love. You were living with a flawed man in a fractured relationship You are losing the familiar and a somewhat comfortable or manageable financial situation.

Get your legal and financial arrangements in place. That should be your focus at the moment.

It is abusive to not allow the OP control of the bills to her own home. Especially when he’s not making any efforts to see his own children.
Financial and emotional abuse comes in many forms

Hope you are ok Op