Never ending divorce

Loveandloveandlove · 2023-10-30T11:32:29+00:00

I started the divorce process 3 1/2 years ago and feel like I will never be divorced! I’d love to put ‘STBXH’ but I don’t believe ‘soon’ is the correct word here. So, my husband will not allow me 50% of our financial assets. I am living in the family home still. He moved out, his choice 3 1/2 years ago. I have contributed the same to our finances as he has. We are both nurses and on the same band. Twice now we should have gone to court and twice he made an offer just before. The last time he agreed to 50/50 but I later found that he had spent all of his savings so I won’t get half. My mental health is at an all time low. How much longer will this divorce take? I have so far spent £31 000 on solicitors fees due to paying my solicitor to pay for court when twice it didn’t quite get there. I have no money left but I don’t want him to win. The solicitors are the only ones winning here.

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 11:33

‘Prepare for court’, not ‘pay for court’.

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wildwestpioneer · 30/10/2023 11:50

Represent yourself in court, my friend did this and the judge was brilliant, they talked her through everything and it was a fair settlement. Gone are the days a good solicitor can 'take someone to the cleaners' a judge will ensure it's fair

NotSuchASmugMarried · 30/10/2023 11:51

Yep! Represent yourself. Go straight to court for a financial hearing. The judge will be fair. Your ex won't.

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 11:53

I don’t want to ‘take him to the cleaners’. I just want what’s fair. We both earn the same and contributed equally. I am not sure why he feels so entitled. He has a girlfriend too who moved in last year. Surely he wants this divorce to end too?

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Cumberbiatch · 30/10/2023 11:59

I am ten years into the process. Ten fucking years. A lot of it is my fault and believing him when he says he'll sort it just when we're about to go to court. But also, have had two crap solicitors (I live rurally and there aren't many to choose from). Am on the third now and she seems a lot better. I've followed her advice even when it feels like I'm being unreasonable, because after years of manipulation, I've realised that I don't know how to be my own advocate anymore.

Hopefully I'll be divorced in the next few weeks and I'm going to celebrate. Marriage was a disastrous decision for me, except for the lovely kids we had. I've lost so much money and my self-confidence will never be the same.
Thinking of you OP!

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 12:07

10 years!!!! Goodness, that’s horrific! I feel
bad for moaning now 🤣.

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Cumberbiatch · 30/10/2023 12:25

Three and a half is still plenty! Have you any plans for how you'll mark the occasion when you finally get your decree absolute?

Happy1966 · 30/10/2023 13:19

I’m close to 2-1/2 years and only just exchanged form E. I think it’s going to go to court and I’m worried about the cost. I’m not impressed by solicitors tbh. I want good advice but all I seem to get is help filling forms in and asked what I want to do 😡. He earns £4500 a month MORE than me so can finance court and I can’t . Any one else been through same ? I’m worried I may have to represent myself and how that will impact my mental health 😓😓😓 . We’re still living in the same house too xxx

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 13:36

Cumberbiatch · 30/10/2023 12:25

Three and a half is still plenty! Have you any plans for how you'll mark the occasion when you finally get your decree absolute?

I will probably join a dating website 😂 I can’t seem to do it until I am divorced.

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Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 13:38

Happy1966 · 30/10/2023 13:19

I’m close to 2-1/2 years and only just exchanged form E. I think it’s going to go to court and I’m worried about the cost. I’m not impressed by solicitors tbh. I want good advice but all I seem to get is help filling forms in and asked what I want to do 😡. He earns £4500 a month MORE than me so can finance court and I can’t . Any one else been through same ? I’m worried I may have to represent myself and how that will impact my mental health 😓😓😓 . We’re still living in the same house too xxx

I never had any help filling out the form e! My solicitor was less than helpful. Now I have been told that we have to do them again as too much time had passed 😩

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sophmum31 · 30/10/2023 14:02

I'm 3.5 years in too, I am actually divorced but still in the family home as it's being sold at the moment, hopefully we are close to exchange now. So even though the legal part of the divorce is done for me I still have daily issues with him and him dragging his feet at every opportunity.

The only way I got the divorce was to keep pushing on with court, follow the process and do not delay court proceedings when he magically comes up with an offer. My solicitor advised me that men like that never settle and the only way to get this done is by not giving a choice or out and in the end the judge made the decision at the final hearing. My ex even commented to me a while ago that he didn't fight hard enough - the man fought over every single penny, item and issue!

sophmum31 · 30/10/2023 14:04

Also, my ex moved out and in with another woman. I think for them it is different and less urgent because they are not living in the situation daily, while we are still stuck in a house we only own half of and not able to move on.

millymollymoomoo · 30/10/2023 15:05

what is he offering ?
how long were you married ?

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 15:08

sophmum31 · 30/10/2023 14:02

I'm 3.5 years in too, I am actually divorced but still in the family home as it's being sold at the moment, hopefully we are close to exchange now. So even though the legal part of the divorce is done for me I still have daily issues with him and him dragging his feet at every opportunity.

The only way I got the divorce was to keep pushing on with court, follow the process and do not delay court proceedings when he magically comes up with an offer. My solicitor advised me that men like that never settle and the only way to get this done is by not giving a choice or out and in the end the judge made the decision at the final hearing. My ex even commented to me a while ago that he didn't fight hard enough - the man fought over every single penny, item and issue!

Sounds like my husband! I know mine is bitter as i wanted the divorce but I am single and haven’t attempted to date. He has moved a woman in with him and her small child. Wish he would just move on as he won’t get more than 50%!

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Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 30/10/2023 15:10

millymollymoomoo · 30/10/2023 15:05

what is he offering ?
how long were you married ?

Married 18 years. He initially offered me 80%. After 3 1/2 years he offered 50% but has spent all his savings so I won’t get half. Luckily I noticed the wording in his solicitor’s letter as sounding a but dodgy. I have said from the start 50/50. I am not backing down on this.

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Jellybaby12345 · 30/10/2023 15:50

Sorry to hear about your long divorces. I feel like mine will be heading that way. It has turned so acrimonious. If they spend all their savings is there no way to account for that in the final split? What if they get themselves into debt since separation..does that mean they will get more share of the assets?

millymollymoomoo · 30/10/2023 18:12

What % is he now offering and on what basis ?

Mumof3confused · 31/10/2023 08:27

Are you asking for 50:50 share of a sum that no longer exists? Have you had legal advice regarding your chance to add the money spent back into the marital pot? How much is it?

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 31/10/2023 09:21

Mumof3confused · 31/10/2023 08:27

Are you asking for 50:50 share of a sum that no longer exists? Have you had legal advice regarding your chance to add the money spent back into the marital pot? How much is it?

He had £30 000 savings because he didn’t pay for utility bills. I paid it all. On form e he declared the £30 000 which was in his name but they were ‘our savings’. I had no idea they were in his name. During our divorce he has spent the lot. And I am supposed to lose my half £15 000 which is a large amount of money to me to go towards a house for myself and my two children. We earn the same amount of money exactly. We saved up for our house deposit together. All we have together is the house and the savings that I was lead to believe belonged to us both. I have had to take out three loans to pay £30 000 in solicitors fees whilst he has used the savings and gone to Florida with the children in the summer holidays. I couldn’t afford to take the children away at all. He is angry as I wanted a divorce and he didn’t. He is also engaged to a new woman who he began dating before he had moved out. This was two weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce. Surely he wants this marriage over so he can actually marry her?

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Mumof3confused · 31/10/2023 09:37

It will sadly cost you more than £15k to fight him for that money and it sounds like there would be no guarantee that a judge would add this money back into the pot. If I were you I’d cut my losses. I know it stings. I put £300k into buying a family home when my ex was in debt. He’s looking for more than half, having contributed nothing. It’s the price of freedom.

adriftabroad · 31/10/2023 09:38

No. He does NOT want to marry her and you are his excuse. It is the absolute last thing he wants to do.

My STBXH said to me shortly before I (unbelievable to him) started divorce proceedings.(2 years ago. 19 years married.) "I am grateful to you as you have been my reason for not marrying again"

He meant it sincerely. He was genuinely grateful and thought me and DD (15) would understand this too.

Dear reader, he is 71. Iam 52. He thinks he is catch of the day.

millymollymoomoo · 31/10/2023 11:21

I think you’re onto a losing battle tbh
that money is gone and fighting it will likely cost you more than it’s value

Original poster

Loveandloveandlove · 31/10/2023 14:37

£15 000 is a lot to me though. I won’t be able to get a mortgage on a flat without it and I am already planning on moving to a cheaper area. I can’t let him win this time.

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Mumof3confused · 31/10/2023 14:43

The best way you will get this back is by him agreeing to adding this to your settlement figure. Perhaps you could get some legal advice regarding him now living with someone and whether this affects the division of assets. Also what it would take for a judge to decide to add this back, ie what constitutes dissipating assets? I am not an expert but from reading these forums it seems people get away with murder. I think if he gambled or gave money away to family and friends you would have more of a chance than if he spent it on rent, setting up new home etc. It would be interesting to know whether extravagant family holidays count!

Apart from the holiday, what was the money spent on?

Ultimately, it could cost you a fortune to fight him and you may or may not win this argument.

The system is terrible and I know first hand how brutal this is.

Mumof3confused · 31/10/2023 14:46

Tagging legal eagles @LemonTT @Collaborate and @FStraining who might have some advice for you.