Never ending divorce

[Loveandloveandlove]

I started the divorce process 3 1/2 years ago and feel like I will never be divorced! I’d love to put ‘STBXH’ but I don’t believe ‘soon’ is the correct word here. So, my husband will not allow me 50% of our financial assets. I am living in the family home still. He moved out, his choice 3 1/2 years ago. I have contributed the same to our finances as he has. We are both nurses and on the same band. Twice now we should have gone to court and twice he made an offer just before. The last time he agreed to 50/50 but I later found that he had spent all of his savings so I won’t get half. My mental health is at an all time low. How much longer will this divorce take? I have so far spent £31 000 on solicitors fees due to paying my solicitor to pay for court when twice it didn’t quite get there. I have no money left but I don’t want him to win. The solicitors are the only ones winning here.

He said his legal fees.

My many many sympathies to you.

I am 18 months in, and at an all time low. We are both retired and he gets a large private pension and full state pension. I’m younger so not entitled to my state pension yet as I’m not old enough. I don’t have enough NI contributions for a full state pension either.

Very long marriage, should be 50/50. But my stbxh (I’m still hopeful), his Form E was a work of imagination and omissions. Yes he agreed to 50/50, but he wants me to accept 50% of say 75% of the asset pot. I’ve been stuck trying to work out how I can find out the true value of our assets without spending a fortune on solicitors and experts.

He has upped the ante now by threatening court action. He is of course a self litigant and won’t use a solicitor (because he “knows” he can do it himself better”) I’ve been using a solicitor because after 30 years of being bullied I can’t face him direct.

My last meeting with my solicitor in response to his legal threat, she had drawn up a proposal using his Form E figures, even though we both know they are all questionable. I just can’t bring myself to settle using his figures, it just sticks in my craw.

Im now trying to see if we can reach agreement another way. I have worked out what I NEED to buy a house and enough of a share of pension to live on). I am a naturally frugal person and don’t have any dependents.

It’s actually very close to what he’s offering. No his offer is not fair and it’s not equal. It doesn’t take into account that he will end up with the larger marital home, a bigger share of the pension, more expensive car, ‘his chattels’ worth nearly £80k, so on and so on. But I’ve realised that he has to ‘win’ as he sees it. He’s ex military which is just a part of the reason I don’t have my own pension.

So I have accepted I can never win, and I won’t get what the law says I should have. I can live with that, and I know I am the better and more honest person. I’m lucky there’s enough in the asset pot for my smaller share to be enough for me, but it wouldn’t be for most people.

Im hoping that his win will make him magnanimous enough to not make things more difficult for me, and that his new girlfriend (an old friend of mine - that’s another story) stays long enough to keep him in a good mood.

Every sympathy to everybody in this situation. It’s truly heartbreaking.

The last sentence made me chuckle

I know it is very expensive to pay for forensic accountant or whatever they are called. I know my husband had more money that he hasn’t disclosed too. Whilst I was paying for all the bills he was saving money for himself 😞 whilst telling me it was for both of us.

Ok so if he’s used joint savings to pay for his legal fees then it follows that yours should also be paid off the top before joint assets are split. Ie, he shares your £30k loan equally once the house is sold and you each take 50-50 of what is left.

@Loveandloveandlove I think you might benefit from some straight talking. If you get it stuck in your head that you have to win then you will lose a lot of money. You are a nurse and have spent £31k on legal fees. That is insane.

Unfortunately dickhead moves like spending all the savings tend to have no repercussions either. The court might well decide that's fair enough because he's not been able to live in the family home which (in theory) could be more expensive for him anyway.

My best advice is ask for 50% of what is left and get this thing over with before you lose any more money.

I won’t be able to get a mortgage on a flat without that £15 k. I don’t want to rent. I have nothing to lose so I won’t be giving up. My solicitor won’t let me add my debts to the settlement as she said you can’t add anything new yet he’s allowed to spend money?

You won't be able to get a mortgage due to the £30k debt, or £45k if you go for another round in court. If you are still aiming for 50/50 and the £15k by your own admission has gone, where is the £15k going to come from? Notwithstanding your debts are far outweighing any possible gain at this point from the information posted

Then you certainly can't afford court then. It really is a question now of how badly off you choose to be, not a matter of winning and losing.

The choice you face is stark. Take what you can, rent and save the £15k. Or go to court, get the same result, rent and save £15k plus court fees.

It might not seem fair but it is almost certainly what will happen.

Stop now
read ADVICE NOW guides at link at top
inform yourself, take command of i5 yourself. Pay for solicitor to do specific tasks not project manage your divorce. Expecting solicitors to do it for you just racks up huge bills and time wasting.
yes, you have to us3 solicitor to do a few specific tasks, maybe more if you’re divorcing an arsehole who is playing games or an abuser, but you must take command of you own divorce

Agree with others
you’re going to rack up huge costs to gain little
its unlikely he’ll come out with more than a slapped wrist if that re spending

spending more £ and importantly emotional energy just so you can ‘win’ is shortsighted

get your 50% now? Stop racking up costs and move on

both on nurses salary … you have spent £31k and he has spent much more than that

one question - how?

From what OP said, he blew at least £10k on a holiday with the kids.

My friend is on year 7 of getting divorced which seems quite tolerable compared to some of you. Court just granted them the consent order.

Gosh solicitors cost so much. I don't understand why sometimes, it's not right. Although having a solicitor is great, I couldn't keep mine (both lack of funds and mine was not very good at getting things/moving in the divorce), so I had to use whatever resources I could find. Considering how much you've had to spend, see if maybe these might help you in the long run and you cut down on costs. Use mumsnet as there's a lot of good advice here and you can get answers to questions you have rather than asking your solicitor first. Same with facebook divorce groups, I joined a bunch and they offer great advice there.

I also used this - https://iamlip.com/ - https://iamlip.com/home/ - it's a bunch of free help guides that take you through the entire process. I used it without a solicitor which was fine as I just followed the help guides and read the explanations/guidance on the website about the things I didn't understand, but my friend used it and had a solicitor too. She just used the help guides to do a lot of it herself e.g. filling out forms rather than asking her solicitor do it and saved a lot. Wishing you the best x

Parking marking for some advice.

Three years here too! Never ending solicitors bills and I haven’t got anywhere with them. It has affected me so badly, and I’m going through a restructuring process at work (meaning I could lose my B7 post), so I just accepted their offer (50% of the house sale but not 50% of the total assets, more like 30%) - I could’ve got this at the start of the divorce so I’ve spent thousands to achieve nothing.

I am not in the right frame of mind to represent myself either.

My solicitor is £300 an hour!!! It’s ludicrous!