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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feel depressed at the house I can afford

50 replies

Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 15:49

Married 8 years. 8 and 3 year old daughters. Husband doesn't want to move so will buy me out with some inheritance money he has. I don't have any savings.

So he gets to stay put, me and daughters will have the upheaval to a considerably smaller house and much less disposable income. House will have to be further away from the school in order for it to be affordable. Why would they want to live with me in a smaller house and less money.

It seems so unbalanced and shit.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 15:51

imagine being free of your unhappy marriage? Surely that is priceless?

Otherwise you stay put

Its all about choosing your hard isn’t it?

graceinc22 · 19/10/2023 15:51

Have you taken legal advice?

OlderandwiserMaybe · 19/10/2023 15:53

Firstly - whatever house you end up in will be YOURS. Honestly that will feel fabulous on its own

Secondly - have you got a solicitor. The inheritance you mention is likely to be considered as part of the marital assets so should be considered in any settlement.

KMM87 · 19/10/2023 15:54

Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 15:49

Married 8 years. 8 and 3 year old daughters. Husband doesn't want to move so will buy me out with some inheritance money he has. I don't have any savings.

So he gets to stay put, me and daughters will have the upheaval to a considerably smaller house and much less disposable income. House will have to be further away from the school in order for it to be affordable. Why would they want to live with me in a smaller house and less money.

It seems so unbalanced and shit.

My son lives with me in a small house and his dad has a huge house with tonnes of land. It doesn't upset me at all. My son (8) would never want to leave me just because his dad has the bigger house. Things like that don't matter to children.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2023 15:56

See a solicitor

Topsyturvy33 · 19/10/2023 15:58

My Dad had a huge fancy house and I lived with my Mum in a regular size but still lovely home! Not a chance I would have rather lived with my Dad

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 16:04

They will want to be there in that small house because you will be in that house with them OP.

Snorkmaidenn · 19/10/2023 16:08

I loved having my own smaller home after my divorce. No shouting, dramas, just peace for my daughter and I.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/10/2023 16:08

Because they love their mum? This really is a small price to pay to get rid of this man.
I downsized by £70k and I'm much happier now.

Redribbontable · 19/10/2023 16:18

You may be entitled to half of his inheritance. See a solicitor asap.

INeedAnotherName · 19/10/2023 16:27

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 16:04

They will want to be there in that small house because you will be in that house with them OP.

Couldn't say it better.

Add to the above your freedom, no anger, resentment, added mess or washing, no arguments. Just peace. Your own place is priceless.

Notellinganyone · 19/10/2023 16:29

Surely if you’re not yet divorced half of that inheritance is yours?

Original poster
Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 16:37

@Quitelikeit no I don't have a choice. He is breaking up with me.

@OlderandwiserMaybe thank you, that's what I need to focus on...the atmosphere feeling better and having full control over the house.

Yes I have just chosen a solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 16:38

@Topsyturvy33 thank you for sharing that

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 16:38

@KMM87 I hope so. I'm glad you're happy there.

OP posts:
SmugglersHaunt · 19/10/2023 16:41

Just want to echo what others have said. A lovely new life with your daughters will be priceless. Good luck 🍀

hwaclanhdead · 19/10/2023 16:44

Yes I have just chosen a solicitor

Good, because I was about to say "get legal advice"

Theoneandonlyone · 19/10/2023 17:01

I’m in a similar boat unfortunately. But you can’t get hung up on the size of the house. Part of me thinks I’ll be a much better parent without him around. I can’t believe at how incredibly selfish men become when it comes to things like this. It’s like they’re complete strangers.

I think you should also speak to a solicitor as the inheritance should be 50% yours unless you entered into any type of prenup.

I might message you if that’s ok?

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 17:11

I'm sorry you're finding everything so hard.

Not in a patronising way, but I want to say that you are really fortunate to be able to buy another property.

I have just concluded my divorce (Ireland, for info) after an epic 10 year battle to get here.

I was able to borrow money from my mother to buy out my useless ex, who put us through an utter nightmare financially, has contributed very little for a decade to his DC, and in the settlement will pay more maintenance, yes, and on paper share 50% of medical & educational costs but it will be a battle to get anything out of him.

He walks away with a generous lump sum; he doesn't see the DC so all practical & financial responsibility for them rests with me.

I can't take out a mortgage in my own name, so this lump sum indemnifies him from any interest in the house - so it's effectively 'mine' but needs a lot of work done & is far from being my ideal choice.

The important thing was I had security for me & DC, and I feel I paid a high price for it.

Being able to start again, in a house of your own, albeit smaller, is a huge advantage and worth a lot. Not many can do this. (for reference, I've a good salary & role, but no option for a mortgage due to having 3 DC, and maintenance is not allowed to be included as income so I was ineligible for a mortgage).

androidnotapple · 19/10/2023 17:11

Get a shark like solicitor and follow their advice. You're probably entitled to more than you think

Cadenza12 · 19/10/2023 17:18

Surely you would get half of everything? Maybe you should stay put and he gets the smaller place? You need a good solicitor.

MillionDollarBill · 19/10/2023 17:20

I downsized massively after divorce (4 bed detached to small 2 bed terrace) and with the cost of living/bills etc over the last year I did the right thing. The children accepted it and don’t compare the houses at all.

Hibambinos · 19/10/2023 17:23

Smaller house that is all yours and free of ex … yep, sounds great.
make it your own girls palace and decorate how you want it. It’s your freedom bolt hole, you’ll grow to love it.

Original poster
Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 17:31

I've never seen the inheritance money as half mine, but it I was to somehow claim half of it which I don't think I could morally. Then he wouldnt be able to buy me out, I still wouldn't be able to buy him out. I guess we would have to sell the house which would be sad for the girls. I guess it gets ves them at least some continuity for him to keep it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyworms · 19/10/2023 17:35

@Theoneandonlyone ditto about the selfishness, it never ceases to amaze me how selfish he can be.

I feel like mens default is to be so unbelievably selfish to the point of them not even being aware that the people in their lives have needs too. But when they are in love they manage to have some consideration for their partner...but it doesn't last!
I'm turning into a bitter old woman! Ha!

Yes you can message me.

OP posts: