Feel depressed at the house I can afford

[Butterflyworms]

Married 8 years. 8 and 3 year old daughters. Husband doesn't want to move so will buy me out with some inheritance money he has. I don't have any savings.

So he gets to stay put, me and daughters will have the upheaval to a considerably smaller house and much less disposable income. House will have to be further away from the school in order for it to be affordable. Why would they want to live with me in a smaller house and less money.

It seems so unbalanced and shit.

Not necessarily re inheritance. Generally, people are allowed to keep things they inherited unless it has been mixed with matrimonial assets. There are cases where this doesn't happen due to needs but inheritances are not routinely split when they aren't treated as joint assets during the marriage.

Housing does not matter a loving family in any house will always work. Chin up you will be fine

I would fill it with nice things, if you don’t have much money look on gumtree, charity shops and eBay.
Your daughters can look on Pinterest and choose a style and you can decorate their rooms together. It will be fun.
More importantly fill it with happiness 😊without a shitty husband.

When did he get this inheritance?

Timing is important here.

Don't worry re 'morally'. Think 'legally'

In my situation, most definitively morally, the right thing was not done.

He only got the inheritance about a year ago, so towards the end of the marriage.

I really don't think I'm going to be fighting for the inheritance money but I do want it taken into account.

I think so much of this is dealing with all the changes and downsizing is so much more difficult than upsizing. You're the one stuck doing all the work of moving. And with all the changes.

I've done the same thing as you this year. Had to move further away to afford a house that is a wreck as I can't get a mortgage. I can afford a lot of things anymore. I am grateful I have somewhere to live. But - Adjusting is a big big struggle.

Meant to say CAN'T afford as much anymore. And yes was due to divorce

Yes it needs to be taken into account.

However if doing so allows you to purchase a property on your own (you've definitely checked you can do that? In my case, it wasn't even the amount. It was ruled out as I had 3 dependents, and maintenance could not be treated as income - so it was a flat no to any mortgage), then it is being taken into account.

It sounds like a fairly good outcome to me.

I have a much smaller house post-divorce.
Ex kept the family home which was massive with a big garden,

My house is MINE.
I don't have to argue with anyone about what colour I want stuff I just do it.

I was constantly worried about Ex getting angry at the kids, this house has a nice calm atmosphere.

Both of mine are now at uni. They come and stay with me in the hols and we eat dominos together,

They never stay at Ex's because he's a nightmare.

This.

I understand your sadness at having to sell the DCs home but sometimes it’s better to do this and both have a new start. It would mean that whenever you went to your Exs place for the DCs it would mean you were assailed by memories. It would also mean that the DCs stand a chance of having a decent home whether they stay with mum or dad.

Im also glad you’re seeing a solicitor. Divorce, when you have small children, isn’t always a matter of simple 50:50 of property. Savings, pensions, incomes, stocks, shares, cars, childcare and yes, inheritances, even businesses can all be taken into consideration.

The main reason I'm using a solicitor is because of the pensions. I know that unless I get a solicitor involved he would never agree to splitting his pension with me.

I think we could agree on an amount to give me from the value of the house...around 55% to me.
.I'm just resentful at having to move house. He assures me that he will help with the move itself but I'm not relying on that.

@EarringsandLipstick yes I've spoke to some all of market mortgage brokers who say I can get a mortage without having to take into account child maintenance.

I think you need to twist your thoughts around. Remember if it's a smaller house then the council tax, gas and electric bills are going to be smaller which will leave you with more cash to spend on nicer things (or savings).

Smaller houses are cheaper to furnish. Cheaper to decorate. Easier to make cosy. Generally have smaller gardens therefore freeing up your time to spend with the children/yourself. Smaller rooms means less clutter and easier to clean. All of the above will mean less stress for you which will make you happier.

Doesn't the above sound wonderful?

@Butterflyworms

Without labouring the point too much, I really do think you are fortunate & clearly live in an affordable part of the UK. (In Ireland currently it would be impossible, bar a few extremely high earners, for a single mother with dependents (and of a certain age) to buy a property, unless with financial aid / guarantor eg parents).

It's not about splitting pensions either, it'll be a pensions adjustment order, based on the final assessment of your pension (as I assume you have one too) and his.

I know this is tough, and leaving your family home must be hard, but your DC having two stable homes to spend time in is really good. Many couples end up both renting (or in my case, having to agree a complicated indemnification to remain in the family home). You & ex will own a house each - that's a fortunate position.

When I left my ex I went from a 6 bedroom house in a lovely village to a shitty 3 bed house in a not great area.

I am not sad because I can clean this place top to bottom in 2 hours. One bathroom is bliss to deal with. Also I'm very aware I no longer have a selfish man child to pick up after.

Kids love who loves them. They won't care about the house they will want to be with you. The hardest part will be ensuring they don't miss out on seeing friends because they are not around the corner anymore that's only thing that bothered mine anyway.

Think of it another way.

You can have any colour scheme you like, No compromises over curtains or colours or books or pictures. Clean bathroom. Scented bathing, beautiful towels.

The bed to yourself. Have your friends round whenever you like.

Whatever TV or music you want. Cook whatever you like. Never have to listen to football commentary or, worse, golf, ever again.

I'm sorry this is happening but you will be ok, and so will your dds.

Inheritance only comes into play as a last resort. If the OP can house herself and meet needs without it, then it won't be included in the split.

Exactly. Many people spreading bad advice to the OP.

Honestly op. Assuming that the marriage breaking up in a given. The fact that your ex is happy to use his inheritance to buy you out of pretty fair. Inheritance is often disregarded by the courts so he seems to being reasonably fair . Also just to say 8 year marriage isn't particularly long so it's unlikely you ll get half his pension pot If that's what you were hoping for .
Id try and look at the positive here. A whole new start , you're able to afford to buy instead of rent and your kids get to keep their childhood home as well: that's nearly as good as it gets from a break up point of view.

@INeedAnotherName excatly. I definitely want a smaller house. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't have an office room, I'll just have a corner in my bedroom for my desk. Cleaning will be easier!

@MintJulia he's actually way better than me at interior decor! But yeah I will enjoy having people over more as he didn't like that. And I'm looking forward to not having to make big meaty meals all the time.

@EarringsandLipstick yes I am fortunate. Thank you for your comments.

@Crazycrazylady yeah the fact that he has the inheritance will benefit me as otherwise he wouldn't be able to buy me out. So I don't want a percentage of it on top of that.

@FSTraining @LaurieStrode yes I'm under no illusion about the inheritance. I don't want or expect it.

yes I am fortunate.

OP, just to clarify, I don't mean that you're fortunate having to go through this - it's impossibly hard & sad, I know.

Just that at least there was a viable prospect for you both to move on property-wise and that's a really important aspect. 💐

Yeah. I have to focus on the positives as I can easily take them for granted. I think I am comparing too much to what he will have. Which is unhelpful. And once we are living apart hopefully he will be out of sight out of mind.

At the moment he is on a solo holiday...I can't afford that. I'm filled with jealousy. But what I have to focus on is what I do have....I have a calm house as he's not here stressing me out!

Be grateful you can afford to buy your own house!
My ex ran up massive debts that ate up most of the money left over from the sale of the house so not even enough left for a deposit for a home for me and my kids. he was a financial adviser so I trusted and left all financial decisions to him.

when we broke up, the kids and I had to go and stay in the roughest area in a homeless flat. It was absolutely hideous and the worst time of my life I was at rock bottom and so embarrassed and how my whole life had collapsed.

I’ve now got a nice LA house that I’ve spent quite a bit of money making it feel like my old house that my kids are not ashamed of. My ex lives in the village I grew up in in a bigger house. My kids still choose me. It’s the atmosphere that makes “home” not the materialistic house.

All the posts offering advice regarding asset splits are pointless until the OP states where she lives. 🤷🏻‍♀️