Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do I fight for mentally ill husband?

30 replies

Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 16:50

I have been with my husband for 20 years and we have 2 teens. He has had a mental health crisis as a result of work over the last 3 months. I saw it coming and tried to stop him but he went full on until he crashed.

To cut a long story short, when he became ill he said he needed to get some space of his own and that we are just friends and he can't see a future for us. He's absolutely right, we were best friends, we were inseparable, we have had a great marriage and so much fun, it only went wrong when his business overloaded him.

I have taken on sorting his business, the kids, house etc and he was looking for a flat. I cannot cope with him leaving as I don't see any reason for this. We weren't speaking and he was sleeping in the lounge. I went down and told him that he's not running away from me, he's running from himself and he should stay in the family home where we all adore him and I can help fix him. It was very emotional and he didn't say anything.

I have gone to work today and also seen GP who has given me anti depressants because I'm so low.

I just don't know, am I fighting for someone who is going to go or is it worth fighting for or am I just terrified of the implications of separation. I can't think straight from no sleep and endless heartache.

Has anyone else survived this?
Thank you

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/10/2023 17:26

When my DH had a MH crisis I wish that I had asked him to leave. It actually wasn’t fair on the kids. So I’d say to let him go, let him do what he needs to, to get better.

Justalittlebitfurther · 13/10/2023 17:40

I had to ask my DH to leave, which he did for about three months. He needed the space to see what he wanted. I benefited from this too and ultimately it saved our marriage. You can’t force him to stay OP, but you don’t have to stop caring.

Wolfiefan · 13/10/2023 17:55

You can’t fix someone. Has he seen his GP? He needs professional help.

Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 18:42

Yes, he's on anti depressants and having counselling. He was suicidal and that has apparently passed. I don't expect to fix him, I don't know if I should try and fight or let him go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 18:45

Thank you for giving me hope. I feel like if he goes it's over. I can't bear it. Glad it worked out for you

OP posts:
Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 18:47

Thank you. I'm struggling to let him go. I'm selfish but I can't bear my life without him. I want him to make decisions when he's well though, he says he's not thinking straight.

OP posts:
Cola2023 · 13/10/2023 19:13

This isn't what you want to hear, but he's probably met someone else (or wants to). Sounds like the script.

Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 19:30

There's a script!? I'm 50 and cynical so wise enough to know this is a strong possibility. He's not really very well so he looks dreadful, barely gets dressed, sits all day and has spots from stress, overeats and can't function. I don't think there is currently someone but also I'm not ruling it out.

OP posts:
Queenofmews · 13/10/2023 19:35

I think you should do everything you can for him including persuading him to stay as you clearly love him.
In sickness and in health for me.
He doesn’t sound well enough to be making big decisions or to be on his own.
I speak with experience of mental health both personally and professionally
You need to look after yourself too of course but with help from mental health services and your support he should get through this.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 13/10/2023 19:47

I think you should keep fighting. You sound you really love him so it's worth the fight. I have been married for almost 25 years. Every marriage will at some point hit the crisis. My husband went through a massive crisis when he was made redundant from his job 3 weeks after his mum passed away. It's possible to get out of this kind situations stronger than before but it does take time and effort. I remember overhearing a woman who had been married for 40 years. Someone asked her to divulge her secret. Her answer was, "In the days we got married, broken things were fixed, not thrown away".

Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 20:09

Thank you, this is what I really want to hear. I believe he is poorly and I believe I can solve it with time as long as I make him stay and not run away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 20:10

This is so true. I meant my vows and I stand by them today. This is our first blip and it was inevitable. I'm sorry to hear you have been through it too.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 14/10/2023 00:19

Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 20:09

Thank you, this is what I really want to hear. I believe he is poorly and I believe I can solve it with time as long as I make him stay and not run away.

Putting someone under stress and pressure will exasperate and worsen a MH episode.

There are ways you can help with his health but this isn’t one of them. You are also putting pressure on yourself and making yourself ill.

Maybe let togetherness take a back seat to your individual needs.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 00:25

Let him go, you can’t fix people and if he thinks he needs to leave then he does.

Perhaps he’ll sort himself out and want to come back, or perhaps he won’t. But in the interim you might decide that it’s time to move on yourself 🙂

I am really sorry you are going through this but it will be Ok whatever happens. You are clearly a very able woman.

Be sensible and protect your assets, you don’t want his nervous breakdown inspiring him to drain your joint accounts.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 00:27

Thismumisonfire · 13/10/2023 20:09

Thank you, this is what I really want to hear. I believe he is poorly and I believe I can solve it with time as long as I make him stay and not run away.

OP you just said you know you can’t fix him! You can’t stand by your marriage vows alone. And you cannot fix anyone.

Let him go and do his thing, you focus on you and the kids for now.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 14/10/2023 14:00

Your husband is very ashamed of himself now. That's why he wants to run away. I personally think he would be better off staying in the family home and spending the money on therapy. Anti depressants alone are not as effective as in combination with therapy.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 14/10/2023 14:03

Further to the earlier message.... So many people told me to dump my husband as he was depressed and unemployed for a few years. I am so glad I didn't listen. He now has a job, on a fraction of what he used to earn. However it's a job and he setting good example for our children. I think you should fight for your marriage. Were you married in a church? Is there any church support group you could join? A Bible study group?

Original poster
Thismumisonfire · 15/10/2023 09:34

Thank you. This really explains why he's like he is and I didn't really consider shame a factor but his business has failed and I should have seen that being part of it. I agree, if he goes when he's well I will accept it but he's so clearly not ok and needs help.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/10/2023 09:44

If there weren't kids involved I would say fill your boots. But I'd be looking at what they're witnessing and how it's going to affect their mental health before I sacrifice my own sanity.

Cherry35 · 15/10/2023 09:45

So sorry that you are in this situation. I would fight for my marriage and his health. It's highly likely his decision of separating was because he wasn't coping mentally. Make sure both of you get medical help/support. Check if there are any support groups in your area, they are really helpful.

In my experience, people get better when they are with people who care about them and when they feel loved.

Best wishes.

itsmyp4rty · 15/10/2023 09:55

You can't solve him and you can't fix him, only he can do that if he is prepared to put the work in.

If my MH was really bad and I felt I needed space to figure things out then someone trying to make me stay would make me feel much worse - because I'd then also have the guilt of that on top of everything else. Why not support him to have some space and take things from there?

I feel though that you are so focussed on keeping him and holding so tightly onto what you once had that you can't/won't listen to anyone unless they are saying what you want to hear.

LemonTT · 15/10/2023 11:06

Thismumisonfire · 15/10/2023 09:34

Thank you. This really explains why he's like he is and I didn't really consider shame a factor but his business has failed and I should have seen that being part of it. I agree, if he goes when he's well I will accept it but he's so clearly not ok and needs help.

What does you not accepting his decision mean?

It is impossible to fight for a relationship that only one person wants to be in. You woke him up and said your piece. I don’t see what else you can do. That wouldn’t reinforce him separating and needing to use a grey rock technique on you.

HappyAsASandboy · 15/10/2023 12:47

This is a genuine question, and not intended to offend anyone, but what do you all mean when you say "fight" for your marriage?

I hear it a lot, but I don't understand what it actually means/looks like.

Icedlatteplease · 15/10/2023 13:01

It's not a partner but my DS who has severe mental health needs

Be aware that your "fighting for him' can end up just creating expectations he is currently completely unable to meet and frankly at this moment in time, he has no clue if he can meet again.

You need to get aware that "fighting for him" may end up counterproductive for this reason. That level of pressure can lead to resentment.

He's been very clear that he needs to take a step back right now. He needs a friend to walk beside him wherever that may lead. not a partner fighting for him with expectations based on your own needs

Lostinbrum · 15/10/2023 13:23

If this was the other way round and it was a husband saying he was letting his very depressed wife walk away from the family it would hit very differently. I suffered a MH episode a couple of years ago as a result of running a business. I shutdown and was ready to walk out on my OH and kids. I was suicidal and barely spoke to my OH. I told him I wanted to leave but really I just wanted it all to go away. Staying in the family home means you have to face all that every day.

Luckily I opened up to my OH who was a massive support and was there for me and helped me in every way I needed help. If one day the tables are turned I wouldn't show him the door. Severely depressed people have a skewed view on reality plus some of it may be male ego/pride of having to watch his wife sort out his mess. Men can be very touchy about that sort of thing so he may be feeling alot of guilt aswell. I think your right he's not running from you he's running from himself. I think he needs your support. But only you know the ins and outs of your marriage but he def needs some kind of counselling