Do I fight for mentally ill husband?

[Thismumisonfire]

I have been with my husband for 20 years and we have 2 teens. He has had a mental health crisis as a result of work over the last 3 months. I saw it coming and tried to stop him but he went full on until he crashed.

To cut a long story short, when he became ill he said he needed to get some space of his own and that we are just friends and he can't see a future for us. He's absolutely right, we were best friends, we were inseparable, we have had a great marriage and so much fun, it only went wrong when his business overloaded him.

I have taken on sorting his business, the kids, house etc and he was looking for a flat. I cannot cope with him leaving as I don't see any reason for this. We weren't speaking and he was sleeping in the lounge. I went down and told him that he's not running away from me, he's running from himself and he should stay in the family home where we all adore him and I can help fix him. It was very emotional and he didn't say anything.

I have gone to work today and also seen GP who has given me anti depressants because I'm so low.

I just don't know, am I fighting for someone who is going to go or is it worth fighting for or am I just terrified of the implications of separation. I can't think straight from no sleep and endless heartache.

Has anyone else survived this?
Thank you

He hasn't necessarily met someone else - my DF(ather) had a similar MH experience. He was a completely different person, ended things with my DM and became cold. In the end he saw the GP who helped him through it and he has been his lovely self ever since his recovery which was 10 years ago. At the time he was under immense work stress and the depression carried on for about 6 months.
I'd give it some time - after 20 good years what is one to try and support him?

I think for me I have the option to give up and let him go. I'm sure fighting means different things to different people but for me it means to try and support or at least give him space without letting him move into a flat when I suspect he will worsen. I guess it's about showing him that I love and care for him if he needs that.

Thank you I think you are right. I'm not placing any pressure on him just letting him be but making sure he has the love and support he needs if he wants it. He's an introvert and I don't think he's leaving to have some great life, I think he will sit in a cold lonely flat and get worse.

You make a great point about the tables being turned. I would like to think he would recognise the need to keep me safe until I could make objective decisions.

Sorry to hear you have been through it, it's a wicked thing.

I think you’ve done the right thing telling him that you don’t want him to leave, that you love him and want to support him to get through this.

But now you’ve got to let him make his own decision. You can’t prevent him from leaving if he’s determined to-being alone for a while may even help him realize that what an amazing family he has. If he does leave, keep communication open. As PP’s have said, you can’t fix him, OP, you’re fixing everything else right now (sorting out the business, looking after the children, etc.). 💐

OP, I had the same with DH as a result of PTSD. He tried to commit suicide and I stopped him. All he wanted to do was leave because he felt he was no good for us. We are together now, four years on and it’s better but he still has MH wobbles. I honestly don’t think if I’d let him go he’d still be alive, but who knows. I fought for him, stuck with him and our marriage has made it but not without substantial damage. We have young children and if it wasn’t for them there’s no doubt I’d have left but he’s a wonderful daddy. I know what you mean about the sense of loss at the prospect of losing him. My experience is that it’s taken years for him to come anywhere near healing and there have been many ugly days. It was worth it and all our lives would be worse without him. We get longer periods of our old life now and it reminds me why I stuck with it. Three months in is nothing (sorry) so it depends how hard you’re prepared to work and how much you want to keep the marriage. I had support from the local carer’s network and they were largely what kept me sane. Good luck, OP, I feel you.