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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

What's fair to the ex-wife?

55 replies

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 11:28

Me and DP have a gorgeous 3 year old together. He has two children (19 and 17) with his ex-wife.
When he and his ex-wife split 7/8ish years ago, they made no changes to their finances, and that has never changed. He continues to pay her mortgage and bills in full and is named on all of them. We (him, me, our child) live in my house, which I bought before we got together. I continue to pay all the mortgage and bills for us and he pays for his ex-wife.
Now his youngest child is nearly 18 and he is attempting to negotiate a finance split with his ex-wife. I'm trying to keep as much out of it as I can - it's non of my business - but I have no idea how a financial settlement works when so much time has passed since the split. Will he have to continue to pay her to live in their old home? She cannot afford it on her own (it's a much bigger property than the one he lives in with me). And for how long? Will the pension split be based on what they each had 7 years ago, or where they are now?
We are extremely keen to be fair to the ex-wife, it's just very hard to know what "fair" looks like. Right now, I have to work full time to keep our family on the road and I paid for my own mat leave out of my own savings.

Any of your own experiences with finance settlements, and how you felt about them would be very welcome

(edited - spell check)

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 10/10/2023 11:36

I can't comment on the issue if it having been a while since they split.

As they have been married for some time and have children, it'll be counted as a long marriage.

As the children are adults (or soon will be) their needs don't need to be considered. So the starting point would be a straight 50:50 split of assets.

Most couples and courts these days favour a clean break settlement where there are no ongoing obligations, and as the children are over 18 this looks like a good idea. So no, he doesn't need to keep paying for the house.

However, whatever assets there are in the marriage - the equity in the family house, both pensions etc will be split.

If he has a lot of assets - pension, investments, it's possible that paying the bills for the house was actually financially a better option for him than losing 50 per cent of his assets.

What does he want to do?

HarpieDuJour · 10/10/2023 11:41

Are they divorced yet? If they are, then wasn't there a financial settlement at the time?

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 11:42

Thank you, Octavia. That's very helpful. In terms of what he wants, your "clean break split" is it. Ideally we (him and I) would be able to share finances, maybe even buy a house together rather than him living in mine. We want everyone to come out of the arrangement content - it's slightly complicated by the fact that I'm a much higher earner than his ex-wife so "we" will always look like we've done better than her when the reality is that everything our family has comes from my earnings. So the idea of pooling everything they have between them and then splitting it and calling it final is very appealing to me, as long as ex-wife also finds that appealing.
Thanks for your time x

OP posts:

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 11:44

Hi Harpie - yes, they are divorced but they didn't get divorced for ages, and there was no financial package as part of that. They are both lovely people but slightly "head in the sand" when it comes to things like this so they just got a divorce but literally nothing else changed. The ex-wife's electricity bills get sent to my house, for example! So they separated many years, got divorced a few years after that (because I put my foot down when I was pregnant, if I'm honest. Although they were totally apart by then, it felt very vulnerable having a baby with a man who was technically married) and are now trying to sort out the finances.
Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 10/10/2023 11:46

Why are you doing this?. Did they do juju to you?

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 11:50

Sorry, femlicious, I don't understand what you're asking? Why am I posting? Because the hivemind of Mumsnet is full of people who have been through this from all angles, and I wanted a better perspective than just mine

OP posts:

Mumofoneandone · 10/10/2023 11:56

Probably worth getting some legal advice, even if an agreement is made between the 2 of them in the end!

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2023 11:56

No, she's wondering why on earth you're funding all the living expenses of this man, so he can spend all his money on his ex. He, or indeed they, appear to be taking enormous advantage of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2023 11:56

They aren’t “totally apart”, he’s still paying her way like she’s his dependant. And of course it’s your business. He’s supporting her rather than you or your child. The whole thing is mad.

He needs to see a lawyer and get the fuck on with separating from her properly. He explains the facts, he pays for expert advice on how to proceed.

If she can’t buy him out they’ll have to sell the house. Otherwise you’re both going to have to explain to your child in future that they’re going without opportunities they could otherwise enjoy because their dad is prioritising his ex.

tara66 · 10/10/2023 11:59

He needs a financial settlement. You are being taken advantage of.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 12:00

He needs to see a lawyer ASAP.

He has been a touch foolish in doing what he has done because realistically she could have used the last 7 years to get a job and earn her own money.

A good starting point would be him telling her what he is planning to do so that she understands things are going to change.

If you want to keep her happy - enough money for a roof over her head would help no doubt. But surely she will need to get a job in order to pay her bills!

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:03

Thanks nocoolnames (excellent user name, btw!). Erm, I guess because when we got together I already knew he had two children and they needed a stable home to live in. And because I already had my house which - whilst not fabulous - is lovely and just about big enough for a family. I admit when I'm pre-menstrual I do get a bit irritated on behalf of my child, but mainly I just think huge props to his ex-wife for taking on the vast majority of parenting their shared children single-handedly which must have impacted her ability to climb the career ladder. And I'm really attached to his older children and don't want them to be stressed out by their parents finances. But mainly because I was already established so it was sort of no skin off my nose to carry on!

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/10/2023 12:05

I honestly can't believe you put up with this, you are earning more but being financially amused.

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 12:07

Aside from the fact that you are paying for everything for you, him and your child, whilst he still pays everything for his ex wife and kids (which is mind boggling to me), I would think that as per most financial agreements, support for kids stops at 18 or when they leave FT education. (Uni for example). Spousal maintenance isn't very often a thing any more except where the assets are enormous and one party earns dramatically more than the other. And even where they are a thing in 'normal' breakups they are for a limited period to enable the less well off spouse time to ie get a job and and start to fund themselves. Then what continues to be paid is child maintenance only.

In this case as the kids are approaching 18 and the marriage has been over for a long time, and as your dh has his name on the mortgage of the family marital home for which he has been solely paying, I would think any sane judge would say support for the kids, (in this case him paying for exerting for them and ex wife) stops at 18, and then former marital assets (house) must be split 50/50. Clean break, so unless she can buy him out and he can come off the mortgage the house will be sold and equity split. He also needs to look at any pension. Clean break can specify an amount the ex wife is entitled to as of its current value, (or that she isn't entitled to it at all).

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:08

Anne TOTALLY loves Gilbert! From the minute she smashed that slate over his head!!

Yes, you're right about the "totally apart" comment. They are "totally apart" from a personal point of view (civil, but not really in each other's lives) but yes, she (and their shared children) are his dependents. I kinda feel that's fair enough - when they separated she did the vast majority of the child-rearing - but now they are adults it does feel like they can do a clean split.

So from all these comments, it feels like a 50/50 split of everything from this point on would be perceived as being fair by his ex-wife? They would need to sell the family home, but I think that's on the cards anyway as both their kids are older and embarking on their own lives

OP posts:

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:13

Thanks, Dark Chocolate. I don't feel taken advantage of - I like my job, I enjoy my career, and I'm really quite fond of my DP! I get a bit frustrated with our inability to plan a shared future together - AnneLovesGilbert was spot on with their comment about dependants - but I can see the end is in sight and this thread has been very helpful for seeing that a clean break is possible and desirable for everyone x

OP posts:

Loverofoxbowlakes · 10/10/2023 12:13

The precedent is that he can keep affording to subsidise her living because you are footing the bill for him!

He has been INCREDIBLY foolish for letting this drag on, and YOU have been even more so for agreeing to fund his ex wife by footing all his bills and allowing the craziness to continue for so long.

You need legal advice urgently. It's expensive but you will hopefully get the right information to unfuck this situation.

How on EARTH has he got you to fund him (and his ex wife's lifestyle) for so long?

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 12:14

But how much child rearing is there when both of them are say, at secondary school? And assuming no special needs can be independent to some degree? Why could she not have got a job then, if not when they were little? I mean, who wouldn't like to sit about having everything paid for for how many years? Presumably whilst your yourself are at work, missing out on 'child rearing' your own child to some degree in order to effectively fund her lifestyle? You sound lovely op but really...

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:15

Thank you piscofrisco, that's really clear.

So him paying for his ex-wife for so long is generally perceived as a good thing (for her)? Hopefully she will also recognise that! Thank you

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 10/10/2023 12:17

You don't necessarily need to go through a lawyer.

If your partner and his ex wife can agree on what they want you can use a service like amicable to do it - much cheaper and they handle the court process.

https://amicable.io/

With the 50:50 split, the ex wife may not be happy with it initially. However in these circumstances if the financial order is significantly different from 50:50 the judge may want to know why and it runs the risk of not being approved.

(My ExH originally offered me 30/70 in his favour and that's what I said to him).

The issue then tends to be the balance between house and pension. If the house is sold then not too much of a problem as it liquidates to cash, but if she wants to keep it she might need a mortgage.

Also worth considering is who pays for uni top ups for the kids/where they live in the holidays.

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:18

I am really getting the message that him paying so much for her whilst being with me is unexpected? Good to know!

And also that getting this formally and legally nailed as soon as possible is the best thing for everyone

This has been so helpful, thank you all for your comments

OP posts:

wildwestpioneer · 10/10/2023 12:21

He needs legal assistance advice, but to the best of my knowledge (I'm no solicitor) if they haven't split the finances yet he can force a sale of the house via the courts if the oldest dc is over 18, or out of full time education.

As for how they split the proceeds I don't know as you now being married will muddy the waters. It's usually split to enable both parties to be able to buy a house, but as your dh has one already (yours - which unless you've tied it up legally, he'll be entitled to a % of if you divorce) then she will probably get a larger %. Also any debts she might have he will be liable for a % of (as will she if he has any). Plus pensions will come into play too.

I know it's stable door and horse bolted, but why on earth marry a man who's still financially connected to his ex, I'm not even sure your house wont become part of them proceedings.

beachcitygirl · 10/10/2023 12:22

You sound lovely & this should be an easy 50/50 split of their assets & no hard feelings.

It is time tho. You're a saint

Livinghappy · 10/10/2023 12:22

Is the ex wife working full time? How old is she and your dp?

Original poster

DarrellRiversIsMyHero · 10/10/2023 12:22

Thanks, Octavia. At the risk of getting absolutely flamed, I do contribute a small amount to his eldest's uni fees (we get on! I want to support!) but I guess that's more of a gift from me than anything that needs to go into a financial settlement. I'd certainly do everything I can to ensure all the kids get properly supported as they become adults

OP posts:

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