Leaving OH

[AltheaVestr1t]

I'm leaving my husband (together for 22 years, married for 8). We have two children, one at Uni, and one DD at home age 13.

OH is shocked to say the least. Things are not awful, though they have been awful many times before. They are just flat and dull and empty, and I've realised that our relationship has always been unhealthy.

OH doesn't want to split, and wont leave the house. So I'll have to find a rental, and start again with nothing while we detangle through the courts. DD will be 50/50.

I feel like an absolute bitch. But there's no space for me to be myself in my marriage and I couldn't bear the thought of this being all I had to look forward to.

Anyone else?

Yep, me! Except I haven't told my husband yet. Seeking to a solicitor in a couple of weeks to better understand my position. I feel like a right bitch as husband has serious health issues but I can't take this anymore. The marriage has been dead for years, and I do absolutely everything in the house as well as bring in the income, he's like another child. Perhaps if there was affection and kindness and if he was grateful for everything I do for him we could salvage it, but well he isn't, quite the opposite. We barely talk to each other, don't have family meals anymore and can't even watch TV together.

Of course everyone else thinks he is wonderful so I will look like such a bitch, but of course they don't know what it's like behind the closed doors.

Have you had any legal advice? Pretty sure he can't just make you leave the house? Who's your 13 yo old going to live with? My eldest is also 13 and it is such a sensitive age, worried how she will take this.

Your position sounds much worse and more clear cut than mine, me and OH rub along together pretty well on the surface. Except that we manage that by me suppressing half of my feelings and having the other half ignored.

I haven't had legal advice but having had many friends in the same position recently (early-mid 40s, it seems to be the age for it!) I understand that neither of us can force the other to leave. And I don't want to stay in the relationship so I think that means that I will have to go. 🫤

My plan was to find a rental fairly nearby and have DD 50/50. I am very worried about the impact on her, but equally don't want her to grow up thinking that she should settle for anything that doesn't make her happy.

Do you plan to leave, or do you think you can get your OH to leave?

@AltheaVestr1t it's worth speaking to a solicitor. It may be that you can stay and keep the house until DD is 18. Or they can tell you how to force a sale through.

Don't punish yourself for doing the right thing. You recognise the marriage is dead and you are leaving rather than cheating, lying or otherwise destroying the family. Your way is the best possible way. Chances are you have tried to salvage things in the years leading up to this but it takes 2 to make a relationship work and if your OH had made a real effort, you wouldn't be leaving now.

Stop blaming yourself for what is about to happen and feel good that you tried and are now ending things as fairly as you can.

A sale is normally much, much, much more likely than a Mesher Order for either party in a case like this. Mesher Orders are very rare and only used as a last resort.

@AltheaVestr1t I would like to sell the house and buy something smaller. The house is great in terms of location, short walk to both kids' schools, but it needs a lot of work. It's unlikely I can afford to buy him out, and even if I could borrow enough, I would really have to stretch myself financially just for that leaving nothing for any renovation work. It's a bit of a dilemma as I probably can't afford to buy anything in this area so would either have to move to a rougher neighbourhood nearby or much further out, which of course would make the school run much longer.

The current housing market is not great, and not many rentals available either making it all very complicated. Husband would probably also get a larger share of any equity as his earning potential is much less than mine due to his health issues which makes it all even more challenging.

It's not an easy decision but just can't carry on living like this.

I absolutely have tried to sort it out, many times, including making a very significant effort to work on myself (as were his demands) while he has done...nothing. Which is the main reason why I am leaving. Neither me or DH can afford to buy the other out, or earn enough to hold the mortgage alone, and I don't want to compound the shock of the split by making DD move out of the family home straight away. Hence my plan to rent elsewhere. But it's going to be a challenge to afford that too, so yes it's all very complicated.

I’m in a very similar situation. If I ignore the fact that he drinks a bottle of wine every day, doesn’t get up until 10 am every day (retired) then sits on the couch watching TV, he’s OK. He’s kind, cooks meals, will do a bit of DIY reluctantly, but that’s it. We’re in separate bedrooms, haven’t had sex for years, I don’t love him, but is this it ? Settling for companionship and his pension coming in ?
Its just so hard to end something that’s ok.

Except that we manage that by me suppressing half of my feelings

Yes, this is me too. Frustration, anger, sadness. Just suppressing it day by day so that others aren’t upset.

Yes this is it, 100%. Everything will be ok as long as I carry on pretending that I'm fine. But I am absolutely not fine and I can't carry on pretending anymore.

I am the same. Everything and everybody is ok as long as I contain everything and keep the show going. But I can't do it any more; my wheels are coming off.

Whatever action I take will hurt people to one degree or another. And deciding who gets hurt is yet another decision that falls to me. Hence it's been easier to just let that person be me and keep pushing on. But I can't do it any more.

Ok, this is happening! Me and STBXH are going to make a plan, tomorrow, tell the kids, then I will find a rental and I will move out.
As I'm reluctant to dismantle the house around my DDs head, I'll be leaving with very little, but it has occurred to me that I should be compensated for this (value of household items, car etc) in a settlement? All that is a problem for another day however. Onward and upwards! Hope you are all progressing on your path.

Im glad you’re making the hard decision to leave, it sounds like the best thing for you. I thought this might be useful to you at the start of your divorce - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ it’ll help you know what to do beforehand and get your stuff together so you’re ready and better prepared. The rest of the resource may be useful too x http://iamlip.com/

That's really helpful, thank you.

How is everyone getting on? I have found a lovely rental, we've told the kids, and I move out in two weeks!

Well done. Very good first step. Are you doing 50:50 with DD? Even if not he is in charge of clothes etc at his. Don't take on any of his mental load.

Yep, we will be 50/50. It's all amicable and co-operative at the moment, so I hope it will continue that way. But yes, as the person who has always been responsible for the mental load I'm keen not to carry on doing that.

I did the same as you, left and left everything in the house so that it would still feel the same for my children. Ex promised to compensate for left items. Just be warned he may change his position once you’ve gone, mine is seriously under valuing everything in the house & whilst I don’t regret leaving items still I think you should prepare yourself for that also. I made sure I took sentimental items with me early on as the longer you’re gone the harder it is to get those.

In hindsight I may recommend agreeing some money from the pot to pay for setting up again, I did it all out of my own account but ex has had the benefit of all household contents and is dragging out the financial settlement. No matter how amicable it is in the beginning the reality can and often does change unfortunately.

I just wanna say hats off to you OP and anyone else who has the courage to do this. It’s all too familiar hearing women stay in intolerable marriage because society says they should or because of what the Jones’ would think or because of the kids (the kids don’t want you unhappy so that never works). It takes some courage to go against the grain and is really admirable to acknowledge your own needs and life and to do something about your unhappiness when you’ve tried to improve a relationship that can’t be improved.

A lot of men just want looking after as they get older or want everything their own way without considering their wife’s needs. I read the latest statistics- men live longer in a marriage (no bloody wonder getting looked after!) women live longer single.

Good for you-Its so refreshing to read and I wish you all the best moving forward 😊

Thank you @mama2017, the encouragement means a lot!!

There's no chance of getting any money up front so I'll have to take my chances. I'm anticipating that I'll take a financial hit here but I've decided that its worth it!

I hope everyone is ok.

Yesterday was a big day. I picked up the keys and we finalised the separation of current accounts and bills. I took a car load of stuff to the new house, new house is furnished and OH doesn't want me to take anything so I'm leaving with very little - probably only another car load to go before I move on Sunday.

Yesterday was hard. I had a fit of sobbing while choosing some family photographs and then cried myself to sleep. I feel like I'm leaving my memories behind. I know this isn't true - the things I am grieving for were already gone before the split.
I feel better this morning but I think it will be a rocky week.

I admire your courage! I’m sure you will be so much happier with your new found freedom and little sanctuary

@AltheaVestr1t I relate so much to what you have written, and other PP's situations too. That's so inspiring that you have now sorted out a new place to move to - it sounds lovely and will be the start of a new chapter where you can be yourself and have freedom. There's bound to be feelings of grief throughout the process, but I'm sure it will get easier over time.

How did your children take the news, were they ok?

I'm in a similar situation, except my DH can also be moody, passive aggressive and controlling (low level really, so never been sure if it would constitute emotional abuse) We don't talk any more, no affection or kindness from him. I feel like I spent the last few years crying a lot and grieving about the state of our relationship, but the last few months I've felt better and almost like I've moved on in my head. I just need to bite the bullet, book an appointment with a solicitor and move out! I just have the worry about the dc and finances, but I know I can't live like this any more.

Thank you @Lupin61, I hope so too. I'm sure I will feel a bit lonely sometimes but I've thought of lots of ways to fill my time.

@Silverwillow oddly, the way I predicted my children would take the news was completely wrong. My DD has been absolutely fine. She loves the new house and is excited about her new room, we have been making plans together. DS, at Uni, took the news harder. He was very quiet for a week after hearing the news but seems to be back to his chatty self the last two days, so hopefully he has begun to process it now. They have both done extremely well and I'm very impressed by their resilience.

There were issues of control, manipulation and stonewalling in my marriage too. Not overt and not terrible. But enough. Honestly I would recommend biting the bullet. There have been some difficult days since I told DH but on the whole I have felt better than I did before. Good luck x

Congratulations on the move! My children behaved the same as yours, excited about the new house & getting new rooms. It honestly wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I’m very lucky that they’ve never once expressed sadness at it & I’m 10 months in now.

The sadness you feel is to be expected, I had it in waves for the first couple of weeks, I would describe it as shock and grieving what could have been, I’ve never once regretted my decision though.