What led you to divorce / separation?

[Onestepforwardseveryday]

Just wondering what has led everyone to decide that divorce / separation is the right option.
here are my reasons:

1. I got sick of unwanted sexual advances and the prospect of an argument if I didn’t want to respond favourably to those sexual advances
2. got sick of him climaxing, Farting and rolling over and falling asleep despite me not being sexually satisfied (I asked him not to do this numerous times and it explains why number 1 on the list became a problem)
3. sport on the tv taking priority over family life
4. nobody else being able to watch the main tv if a football match he wants to watch was on
5. him moaning and shouting at the kids if they walked in front of the tv whilst sport was on
6. not pulling his weight with housework
7. him running up the household energy bills by being wasteful and then me having to find the money to pay them
8. him convincing me to take on joint financial commitments and then me being left to pay them because he had no money (no joint bank account because he’s shit with money)
9. him complaining that we never go out but also him never arranging babysitters, booking restaurant tables etc and leaving all of that to me
10. him making a half assed attempt at cooking and housework to prove me wrong when I said he was lazy but still not doing anything properly
11. there is more but that is enough reasons for now

He cheated. No brainer.

Mine just left. No explanation. Turned out it was someone else he was leaving for.

He assaulted me after another screaming rant at me.

Turns out he was fucking someone else.

He lives with her now.

I have found out his adultery was quite extensive before this particular woman.

He blames me for being distant. I hope to be even more distant when the divorce is done.

Emotional abuse
Controlling
Alcoholic
Laziness
He had checked out of family life
Tried to sleep with my best friend
Spent hours chatting to women online

1. She had no less than six affairs in three years. I'm not really sure why I put up with it for so long but I think COVID and not wanting to uproot the children during lockdowns was a factor;

2. Refusing to get a job when the children were old enough;

3. Racking up credit card debts, often to buy presents for friends and family that we could not afford and were never reciprocated, meaning I never had any spare money at all;

4. Telling me I never did anything around the house when I got home from a long commute, having spent the last two hours sat on the sofa drinking wine;

5. Noticing how little she actually did herself when COVID came around. Trying to do my job and 100% of the childcare whilst she played her favourite games on her mobile phone/told me how stressful lockdown was for her;

6. Having to listen to the constant and pointless arguments she had with the DCs when I worked from home.

I would probably have put up with 2-6 indefinitely as I really don't like conflict but number 1 was - eventually - a deal breaker. Also, from a bigger picture perspective she's not as bad as these factors suggest, they just became really noticeable after number 1.

But also we grew apart slowly over the years I think. Even now she will use her time when I have the children to go out drinking/clubbing whereas at 43 I've completely lost interest in alcohol and loud parties and spent my evenings re-qualifying as a solicitor!

In a nutshell, I grew up and he didn't. His immaturity cost us thousands financially. I didn't appreciate the fact that I became the grown up in the relationship, while he remained a child, doing everything possible to act irresponsibly. I became a nag as a result, which led to constant nasty arguments and culminated in him becoming physically abusive. I didn't recognise myself anymore and was absolutely miserable, constantly worrying about where the next dollar was coming from so that I could pay the mortgage and other bills. Over twenty years since we divorced and I still have PTSD from the fights. If anyone raises their voice around me, I go to pieces. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did and never regretted it for one single second.

Expected me to do all the housework and childcare
Expected me to do all of the above even if he was off work for six months
Would not let me have my family in the house
Call me names and emotionally and verbally abusive - drunk or sober
Would shout if I had a different opinion on a subject
Would drink a whole bottle of spirits in a two day period and get mean with it
Everything was my fault
Had to walk on eggshells all the time - never knew what was going to set him off on one his rants
Misogynist
Bully
Racist
Best thing I did was leave - never happier than I now ....

He spent thousands of pounds of family money on prostitutes over a 10 year period (that I know of - there’s probably more)

She decided to drink from the furry cup instead.

My reasons sound quite trivial in comparison to some of these but there is just a lot of things that have added up over the years. In addition to what I wrote in the OP there are some things that I feel too ashamed to even write down as I know I have been a fool to stay as long as I have and I have done my children a massive disservice by staying.

I discovered my stbxh was living a double life working overseas whilst I raised out two autistic children alone.. but of a deal breaker, the lie continue, the hurt is unforgivable and the trust is gone forever and I'll never forgive obviously! Oh and he was a selfish twunt who thought I should drop it and move on.. 🙄

He was having an affair. He earns x3 what I did and he hid this from me.

Death by a thousand cuts

Told me he couldn't cope with being a parent or family life. After 3 very planned children. Told me he resented the children for the impact they had had on his life

I packed his bags and filed for divorce the same night

Married at 19 . Realised at 30 were were two very different people as more mature adults and felt I had an extra child.

Cheating (his)

Decades of emotional abuse. And more besides.

He blocked me on his social media, tried to gaslight me saying I was making it up, and then I discovered he was making secret recordings of me behind my back including during our confidential therapy sessions.
That just crossed a line and there's just no way back.

I mean the sexual coercion, borderline alcoholism, emotional abuse and withholding financial information leaving me to end up in thousands of pounds in debt whilst he quietly hid his money was pushing me to leave anyway, but the lying about blocking me (and then trying to say it was my fault for wanting to follow him on SM - we've been married 11years) was the final straw

Had an affair. However, he walked out telling me that family life wasn't for him. Our son was two years old. A son I had had at 42 because he was so "desperate" to be a father. OW was somebody known to me. After years of abuse from both of them, they moved 700 miles away. He doesn't see our son. His choice. Turned out that that affair was just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm just doing this now after nearly 30 years together and OP my reasons are similar. It's the relentless small acts of disrespect that ground me down together with some major grudge keeping (mostly on his part).

Final straw was me being woken by him in the middle of night while he ranted at me, calling me a liar and accusing me of doing something with some photos he had hidden that I didn't know existed and I still don't know what they are of 🤷‍♀️. Apparently if he ever finds them he'll apologise. 🙄

Add in gaslighting over the years to basically to talk me into dealing with things he didn't want to.

The sex thing, the sulking. No consideration for other people in general. The performance nose blowing, banging toilet seats etc.

No affairs or other women, no physical abuse, no money issues so in some ways it does seem petty and it's definitely not the best financial decision but I don't want to spend any more of my life with him. We have no shared view of what our retirement together might be.

thank you so much for this.
So many similarities and you are correct, they sound like small things in isolation but when you look at them collectively it is mentally draining.
and yes to the gaslighting, I totally forgot to mention the gaslighting.
Divorce after many many years is a huge emotional, practical and financial decision so it goes to show how much these collective small
issues wear people down and become unbearable.

Same for me, together 34 years, nearly married 30.

I could not live the rest of my life dealing with similar things, moods, egg shells, blah blah plus a definite emotional affair which probably was something more.

Good luck with your future.

He cheated, on and off for 2 years. Then, when we were supposed to be working on a fresh start and had not only sold our house but had made an offer on another one., he made a sad face one evening and said 'I can't go through with this.' Solicitor handling the sale/purchase was irate beyond belief (I told her to talk to him, nothing to do with me), I moved into DM's house and started looking for somewhere to live. I wasn't even angry, just utterly numb.

My manager at work was convinced ex had done the house thing deliberately to ensure I couldn't buy him out, and years later I'm still not convinced the guy was wrong.

After being together for 40 plus years.

Walking on eggshells and being scared of his rages (never physical).

He was never ever, ever, ever, ever wrong.

Life being ok but only if I never gainsaid him, said anything even slightly critical, never offered a slightly different opinion or asked him what he was doing, where he was going, what time he would be back (unless he volunteered the information). Even me calling to him from another room led to him raging at me for being “so rude, so rude!”

I was expected to cook all meals, do all the cleaning, shopping and all his washing. He was very untidy, but I was being unreasonable if I asked him to clear up after himself. We were both retired.

He wanted to move house and said we could move closer to my daughter. She and I were both really excited at the prospect, then after lockdown he announced he had changed his mind. End of discussion. No apology or explanation. His decision was made and it was final. That was probably the final straw for me.

He also spent most of the money on whims and his own hobbies. He then said as we didn’t need our savings to move house that he wanted to spend it on a £140,000 vintage sports car. Yes £140k. Said he was going to do it, and he told me that he’s been considering it for a long time and had thought it through carefully.

Then two/three weeks later my brother was visiting and he told my brother that it was just a whim because he’d seen the exact car he’s lusted over for sale. It was just a whim. But he hadn’t bothered to even tell me he wasn’t going ahead.

Getting cross when I refused to cook or make up beds when he had his mates around.

Definately an affair before we were married, (i found the letters), but while we were seriously dating, some other suspect behaviour while we were living together, and finally other dodgey behaviour just after we separated, but still in the same house and him saying he wasn’t interested in any other women. God knows if he did anything else, but I’ve recently found out he’s been paying for a single mother’s gas and electricity bills.

There is so so much more. I saw a well qualified therapist who called him an entitled bully, and a narcissist, with possibly some psychopathy.

Im still in the throes of divorce and the bullying hasn’t ceased. I’m about to accept his offer (which is not fair, but probably enough to manage on) because I can’t take anymore. He’s undervaluing assets, and possibly hiding money.

He won’t even use a solicitor, why would he need to when he’s never wrong?

I have to console my self that he was badly damaged in childhood (toxic father) and has a huge void inside him that he will never fill and thus can never feel good about himself unless he is the winner or has everyone under his control and under his spell.

I’ve just received some more bad news from him via my solicitor so thank you for the chance to vent.

Cheated