It's been more than 3 years since the last time he sexually assaulted me and I haven't told anyone IRL. I do utilise online therapy through my life insurance though, it's really helped me understand and process nearly 2 decades of abuse and I'm now able to openly talk about the emotional and financial abuse, and some of the coercive control.
It was only when we were sleeping in separate rooms that I realised his behaviour wasn't normal, the sexual abuse had stopped but everything else had ramped up and I caught him checking my dashcam late at night and he'd been telling me he was suicidal so I text my sister for advice. She basically told me that was coercive control. I later found out he'd been doing much worse to keep an eye on me.
We were stuck living together due to covid but I was fearful every night I stayed, I ended up quite ill and signed off work for two months towards the end of that period but I can't even describe the peace when I moved into my new house. I slept 12 hours solid on that first night.
Less than 6 months later, our teenagers chose to live with me full time after his verbal abuse towards them started to escalate, they don't even see him now and he still doesn't see that he's the problem!
If I've learned one thing it's that you have no reason to feel shame, you have done nothing wrong.
You have every right to feel angry but not with yourself, I'm still angry but it's not the explosive negative emotion people think... It quietly smoulders and gives me the strength to say no the next time he comes asking for a favour, it doesn't consume my life.
If there's one thing I wish I'd done, it's to call the police, report his behaviour, get him sectioned and get help. I didn't do it because I didn't want to upset the kids.
But also, I'm proud of you for pulling yourself out of the cycle of abuse, you have good things ahead of you, it will be difficult but it'll be worth it.