Supporting DP with suicidal not yet ex-wife

[wellthatslovely]

Just that really, they separated 4 years ago, been living apart for most of that, initially as a trial separation but clearly now permanent. He's been trying to get her to agree to divorce for well over a year but no luck, and he's suggested he put in a sole application, her response is to say if it wasn't for the kids (they have 50-50 custody of 2DC) she'd kill herself to solve the problem. The daft thing is, she prompted the separation by having an affair. She's apparently intimated similar before but not as explicitly as recently. He feels in a complete stalemate, he wants - needs - to move on but feels guilty for pushing it. How on earth can I support him in dealing with this?

Firstly he needs to speak to a solicitor about getting sole custody; his children should not be living with someone who is potentially suicidal.

Has he spoken to social services yet? Has he sent a letter to her GP?

Does he have her threats of suicide in writing?

Those poor children do not need to wake up one morning to find that their parent has killed themselves, so take her threat seriously and get things moving on him taking the kids.

Once the ex has had therapy and has some help for her depression and life-ending tendencies, then they can work towards the DC having some overnights with her.

Having known someone who found their parent hanging, I cannot stress strongly enough how you need to ensure that doesn't happen to those poor children.

@whatchulookinatwillis that's a whole load of stuff I don't think he's considered, or at least voiced to me. Yes, the threat this time is in writing but he thinks, from experience, it's not an actual intention.

He's said on many occasions he's not running various decisions / queries regarding separation and divorce by her because of the poor state of her mental health, I believe that she's been in therapy for years already. It's all a bit of a bloody mess really, should have been sorted out years ago.

How long have you been with him? I’d run a mile from this set up.

It's not as much of a surprise as you think that she would have an affair. Healthy, well adjusted people leave bad relationships before finding someone new. It tends to be depressed, unhappy people who have affairs. That said, I think your DP needs to try and figure out if the threats of suicide are genuine or an emotionally abusive bluff. More often than not it is the latter.

Why? Her DP cannot help having an ex like this. To run away would give this ex - who is quite possibly emotionally abusive - all the power and control she wants rather whilst the OP would have to abandon her current life.

Because life is too short for all this drama and upset. The DP is stuck with this woman in his life, that was set in stone once they started a family together. The OP could be free of it all.

I guess if you see partners as an accessory rather than a unique human being that you want to be with then that makes sense.

He's still with his wife and you're the other woman.

He doesn’t need her to agree. He can divorce her without her agreement. The suicide threat sounds like manipulation to stop him divorcing her. Just crack on and do it

I don't think it's the best course of action to go in all guns blazing and go for sole custody and take them away from the mother at this point. She clearly needs help, or maybe she's just being manipulative, hard to tell from just this post. Being a parent and splitting up is traumatic, you can feel your life spiralling out of control and she probably has immense guilt for splitting her family up and causing all of this. Not saying she's innocent but surely firstly trying to identify support needed and making sure the kids are safe is the priority, not just storming in and ripping them away from their mum.

I've been suicidal before but I'd never do it because of my child, doesn't mean I'm not fit to care for him, her father on the other hand may not suffer with mental health issues but is completely useless and my son doesn't like being there at all. I'm the one that does everything, despite how I may be struggling on the inside.

Are you a scored EW? What a stupid comment.

He’s not with his wife - he left her 4 years ago when SHE had an affair.

The poster isn’t the OW. What a ridiculous comment. People can move on you know?

The EW is being extremely manipulative IMO. She shagged someone else, it didn’t work out (is my assumption) and now she’s decided the grass isn’t greener on the other side and she is manipulating him with threats of suicide.

She needs help - if he has these threats in writing I would share them with SS (to protect the children) and if he knows who her GP is - I would get an appointment with them (so so can get some help).

He shouldn’t be manipulated by her threats. He can initiate divorce.

After four years he can apply for a divorce without her agreement. He needs to speak to a solicitor who will advise the best course of action.

Its not 'all guns blazing' it's removing the children from an unsafe environment, or if she's lying a horrible, manipulator.
The children are not there to be an emotional crutch to their mother.

I agree with posters who’ve suggested that he files a sole application for divorce. Their relationship is clearly over and there’s no point dragging it out.

Re. Her poor MH. Given that they’ve already been separated for four years, I don’t think divorcing now is definitely going to make it worse, As PP’s have warned though, your DP must prioritize his children, I found my Dad after a suicide attempt and even if they thankfully recover, the experience obviously never leaves you.

My XDH suggested he was going to kill himself when I divorced him. I gave him numbers for the Samaritans etc and divorced him anyway. Unsurprisingly he didn't kill himself and honestly, if he had I had exercised my duty of care.

So genuine question here not trying to be snarky (hard to tell on here sometimes) - do you think parents who have depression and/or suicidal thoughts should not have their children stay with them? She's said she's not going to do it because of the children, she's not threatening to do it - just saying if it wasn't for the kids she would. There are plenty of parents who have felt suicidal or very depressed or suffer with other mental health problems, it's not as easy as to say the children need to be removed from her.

@Ollifer but the ex is being manipulative and using the children as pawns. If parents happen to have MH difficulties no they shouldn't have their children removed, if a parent says manipulativethings like is being reported about the ex here, no they shouldn't have their dc till they are better.
@HamBone I'm sorry you had this happen to you and the affect it will have had on you.

@Ollifer "I've been suicidal before but I'd never do it because of my child"

I'm incredibly sorry that you reached those depths of depression, and incredibly impressed that you managed to pull yourself out of it, but unfortunately not everyone does.

In the OPs scenario, you have parent A & parent B, each taking 50% care of their joint DC.

Parent B has openly declared they're suicidal.

If you were parent A would you risk the potential deaths or life-long trauma of your DC knowing this?

Would you say to parent A: "Oh, you feel like killing yourself? Never mind." Whilst strapping your kids into the back of their car?

Of course you wouldn't.

No good parent puts their children at risk of trauma, harm and certainly not death.

Parent A should ensure that parent B gets all the help and support they need to help them recover, whilst taking full care of the DC to ensure that they are not exposed to their parent trying (& possibly succeeding) to kill themselves.

For you, @Ollifer , feeling suicidal didn't actually mean committing suicide, but I personally wouldn't risk my kids being in your (or anyone else's) care if you'd told me that you were; surely you must understand that?

Thanks, @MyHornCanPierceTheSky , it was decades ago and I’ve made peace with it. Happily, he got the help he needed and the daft bugger is still here at 85 (and quite a handful). 😂

Hes been trying to get her to agree to divorce for well over a year but no luck, and he's suggested he put in a sole application,
He doesn't need her agreement since the rules changed last April. It's no fault now. Get it started as it takes 20 weeks from start until you can ask for the nisi, then another 6 weeks before absolute.

her response is to say if it wasn't for the kids (they have 50-50 custody of 2DC) she'd kill herself to solve the problem.
He needs to tell her if she continues with this then he will have no option but to inform her GP and the children's school, both of whom might take it further. He also needs to tell her that he would have no hesitation in calling the police if he felt the children were in need. He needs to make it plain she cannot emotionally blackmail him anymore but if she really needs support in talking to her GP he will be there as it will benefit their children.

He feels in a complete stalemate, he wants - needs - to move on but feels guilty for pushing it. How on earth can I support him in dealing with this?
He could instigate joint counselling as a way to emotionally move forward. He could have therapy just by himself. He could also have a mediator for finance and custody orders instead of going immediately to solicitors. Or he could continue to do nothing. Curious though as to why he feels guilty if she is the one who had an affair. How badly did he treat her before that?

Why are you stating he treated her badly @AutumnFroglets?

My stylu doesn't always work and likes to miss out words/letters that I think are there, the sentence should have been this. It's because OP says he feels guilty, but what does he feel guilty about if she is the one who killed the marriage by having an affair? If he can work out why he feels guilty then perhaps he can move on instead of staying stuck. Maybe something to discuss with a therapist.

How badly did he think he treated her before that?

Ah so she only had the affair because he treated her badly? Poor woman with no agency. Is that the case for all affairs, its the other person's fault?

No. I obviously worded my thoughts badly.

Why is he feeling so guilty? He can't move on until he understands why. Does he think he treated her badly.

Its not about what I think, it's what does he think.