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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feeling towards parent who had an affair? How much would you want to know?

41 replies

Axw · 20/09/2023 17:48

If your parents are divorced, do you know why they divorced? Or has anyone chosen to not ask or find out what happened (even if you expect one parent was unfaithful)

Context is as follows:

DH parents divorced when he was young. FIL has been married to DH’s DSM for a long time (since DH was very young). DH now has a great relationship with MIL and FIL and goes out of his way to treat them “equally” (in terms of how much he sees them, splits Christmases, etc etc)

DH told me that he doesn’t know the reason his parents split up and he doesn’t want to know because he doesn’t want it to affect his relationship with either of them. He suspects that FIL had an affair with DSM given how young he was when they got married but neither MIL or FIL have ever talked to him about it and he says he just does not want to know.

Now over the years that DH and I have been together, I have got close to MIL. She really is a wonderful lady and the dream mother in law (which I am very fortunate for). Since DH and I have had our first baby recently and I have been on maternity leave, I have also spent more time one on one with MIL (ie without DH) when DH has been working. She has opened up to me more about what happened between her and FIL and of course FIL did have a (very long running) affair, including it turns out when MIL was pregnant with DH. FIL left MIL shortly after she gave birth to DH and it completely devastated her (obviously). FIL saw DH very little in first couple of years (FIL’s choice) but started having him for weekends once DH was about 2. She says she never wanted to influence DH’s relationship with his father so never told DH about what happened. She told me not to tell him any of this and of course I won’t.

I suppose DH was only a baby when this all happened so it would have been many years before he would have understood anyway but I guess for me I’ve never understood how he could have not found out! I guess he’s right - if he knew the full context it certainly would change the way he feels about his father (and it’s made me look at FIL in a different way!) but mostly I suppose it makes me feel sad for MIL that DH has never really appreciated or been aware of what a difficult time MIL had when DH was so young. When DH and I had our baby, we kept saying how tough it would be to be a single parent and I just can’t imagine how it would have been for poor MIL having to recover from childbirth and raise a baby solo whilst knowing her husband had waltzed off into the sunset with OW.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 18:24

I would ask FIL for his version of what happened.

Rummikub · 20/09/2023 18:27

I don’t know.
but I wouldn’t do that⬆️

Rummikub · 20/09/2023 18:29

I havent told my dc. For similar reasons. But it weighs heavy on my mind.

its lovely that you are close to your mil and she trusts you.

Would I want to know the my parents? Yes I think I would.

heldinadream · 20/09/2023 18:37

Your MIL put her child first. I admire her enormously. I think the fact that you now know, and look at FIL differently, will inevitably seep out in some way. I'd be tempted to not hide my changed view of FIL.
Did MIL ever get together with a new partner? Sounds like not. That's sad.
There's very complex feelings all round in a situation like this OP, and it goes on evolving.

Fourmagpies · 20/09/2023 18:40

I think there are some things that you don't need to know about your parents. He was too young to be aware and it's great that he has such a good relationship with them both. I don't think it'd be fair on any of them to bring up the past. I understand how you feel and it feels like your DHs relationship with his dad is based in untruths, but I don't think anything good would come from telling him. He obviously has an inkling about it.

VesperLynne · 20/09/2023 18:52

I'd be careful you don't let somebody else's fucked-up marriage start affecting your own.

Ollifer · 20/09/2023 18:54

Honestly the past is the past and sometimes it's best left there. What good would come out of digging up old ground and upsetting your DH and family over this?

Original poster
Axw · 20/09/2023 18:55

She’s had a few relationships but never another marriage. She said she’s never truly got over FIL and would still say he’s the love of her life :(
They were childhood sweethearts and were together for 10 years before marrying at 26.
im definitely not going to say anything to DH especially as he’s told me on several occasions that he doesn’t want to know what happened for definite. But it’s certainly been weighing on my mind - i just can’t stop thinking about the fact that he 1. Cheated when she was pregnant 2. Left her when she had a newborn and 3. Barely saw his son for 2 years. And DH would talk about them as if they were equally brilliant parents

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2023 18:55

Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 18:24

I would ask FIL for his version of what happened.

Come on now, don't be ridiculous. It's none of anyone's business, even the op's husband.

Original poster
Axw · 20/09/2023 18:58

Ollifer · 20/09/2023 18:54

Honestly the past is the past and sometimes it's best left there. What good would come out of digging up old ground and upsetting your DH and family over this?

I’m not planning on bringing it up to anyone! I’m just venting really / starting a convo where anyone else has experienced something similar as I can’t talk to DH about it and it’s been on my mind a lot as MiL only disclosed all this to me quite recently
i don’t begrudge her for telling me either, we’ve had a lot of very deep conversations recently and I’m glad she felt she was able to tell me - DH is her only child so I think she really sees me like a daughter

OP posts:
SkippySkip · 20/09/2023 19:01

Well you can behave more warmly and kindly to MIL without saying why

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 20/09/2023 19:04

My dad had an affair which wasn't a secret because it resulted in a baby, just younger than me. My mum left him for a while but I guess being 25, newly married with a baby (and still being in love) she took him back. They are happily married but when the subject comes up (which it does occasionally, we are in touch with our half sib) she's still clearly angry about it 45 years later! She doesn't talk to friends about it and never has, so talking to me seems to be her outlet. Having said that, I'm old now, on my 2nd marriage, been cheated on and been the cheater (not that she knows those details!) and I'm an adult about these things. Dad was much younger than I am now when he did it. I have empathy and feel like it's very much water under the bridge.

Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 19:24

@Aquamarine1029 you can't start feeling sorry for MIL until you know both versions of the story.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2023 19:27

Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 19:24

@Aquamarine1029 you can't start feeling sorry for MIL until you know both versions of the story.

It's not a fucking contest.

Mothew · 20/09/2023 19:30

My ex husband had a series of affairs - that, along with other behaviours meant I couldn't live with him any longer and we divorced. I haven't told my adult children about any of it and they haven't asked.

I feel it would spoil their relationship with their dad and I don't want to do that, but I do feel bitter about it sometimes.

storypushers · 20/09/2023 19:51

Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 19:24

@Aquamarine1029 you can't start feeling sorry for MIL until you know both versions of the story.

Of course you can. She knows enough to feel sorry for her mil. What a strange comment.

Isheabastard · 20/09/2023 20:21

I think this is an opportunity for you to grow closer to your MIL. Even if you never say anything to your Dh, you can show her that you truly admire her.

This is probably hitting you very hard at the moment as you’ve just had a baby. You and your DH are probably so in love with your child that it will be incomprehensible to you that your FIL could have left his wife and baby like that.

As your child grows it’s possible your Dh may want to know more. Having children changes your views and priorities in life.

Luckydip1 · 20/09/2023 20:25

@storypushers the MIL might be fos, you need both sides of the story.

Switcher · 20/09/2023 20:28

I wish my mother had ever had that level of discretion. I was 19 when they separated and she saw fit to tell me what he did in excruciating detail, and how I must be careful to never be with a man like that etc. She would write us long letters about how terrible all men are. She then promptly went on to have an affair with a married man herself, but that was somehow different and totally fine because the wife was the wrong woman for him. Hilarious.

My father on the other hand said nothing, spoke highly of my mother all his life and would only say that sometimes people grow apart (yes, well, they don't have to shag their students though).

I think your DH knows, he just doesn't want the detail, I envy him the privilege.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2023 20:32

I don’t think it’s fair of her to confide in you things she’s asked you not to tell your husband. She’s never chosen to tell him so I don’t think she should have told you. It’s lovely you and she are close but you should be able to tell your husband anything you like and keeping secrets in a marriage is a bad idea.

I know why my parents divorced. My mum had an affair, my dad didn’t want to divorce but she left him anyway, though not for the other man who stayed with his wife. I am and always have been closer to my mum. My dad remarried quite a few years later, mum has been very happy single for years after a few short relationships.

PermanentTemporary · 20/09/2023 20:36

I would try to take the positives from this and not take on the pain.

It is great that your MIL felt able to talk to you; it sounds like you are a real friend to her. She's been able to tell you this stuff because she thinks that telling your dh isn't fair or right (and I'm with her). He would be hurt by it in a way you aren't. But you've been affected perhaps more than she bargained for.

Find some support of your own, away from the family, counselling if you have to. None of this is your fight.

bopbey · 20/09/2023 20:37

your DH must strongly suspect this, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it I guess

bopbey · 20/09/2023 20:38

my parents are separated & I know why.

Oldthyme · 20/09/2023 20:47

Your MIL has shared confidences with you. End of.

It’s none of your business so put the information in a box and slam the lid.

If your MIL goes into that sharing territory again, and you feel uncomfortable that you might leak the information, try to change the subject. Whatever your judgements about what happened years ago is not yours to share.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Rummikub · 20/09/2023 20:54

Luckydip1 · Today 20:25

@storypushers the MIL might be fos, you need both sides of the story.

—————-

Whats up with you?? Op doesnt need to do any investigations.
Op just needs to come to terms with this info and how to carry it. It’s happened, nothing changes it. Op’s dh suspects but doeant want to know. That’s his choice.

No digging required.