Feeling towards parent who had an affair? How much would you want to know?

[Axw]

If your parents are divorced, do you know why they divorced? Or has anyone chosen to not ask or find out what happened (even if you expect one parent was unfaithful)

Context is as follows:

DH parents divorced when he was young. FIL has been married to DH’s DSM for a long time (since DH was very young). DH now has a great relationship with MIL and FIL and goes out of his way to treat them “equally” (in terms of how much he sees them, splits Christmases, etc etc)

DH told me that he doesn’t know the reason his parents split up and he doesn’t want to know because he doesn’t want it to affect his relationship with either of them. He suspects that FIL had an affair with DSM given how young he was when they got married but neither MIL or FIL have ever talked to him about it and he says he just does not want to know.

Now over the years that DH and I have been together, I have got close to MIL. She really is a wonderful lady and the dream mother in law (which I am very fortunate for). Since DH and I have had our first baby recently and I have been on maternity leave, I have also spent more time one on one with MIL (ie without DH) when DH has been working. She has opened up to me more about what happened between her and FIL and of course FIL did have a (very long running) affair, including it turns out when MIL was pregnant with DH. FIL left MIL shortly after she gave birth to DH and it completely devastated her (obviously). FIL saw DH very little in first couple of years (FIL’s choice) but started having him for weekends once DH was about 2. She says she never wanted to influence DH’s relationship with his father so never told DH about what happened. She told me not to tell him any of this and of course I won’t.

I suppose DH was only a baby when this all happened so it would have been many years before he would have understood anyway but I guess for me I’ve never understood how he could have not found out! I guess he’s right - if he knew the full context it certainly would change the way he feels about his father (and it’s made me look at FIL in a different way!) but mostly I suppose it makes me feel sad for MIL that DH has never really appreciated or been aware of what a difficult time MIL had when DH was so young. When DH and I had our baby, we kept saying how tough it would be to be a single parent and I just can’t imagine how it would have been for poor MIL having to recover from childbirth and raise a baby solo whilst knowing her husband had waltzed off into the sunset with OW.

My parents split up when I was 12 after my dad decided to announce on Xmas day that he had been having an affair. We were never sheltered from any of it and my mum even had us trying to find out who it was with (turned out to be the neighbour). She would openly slag him off in front of me and my siblings. I haven’t spoken to my dad for many years for other reasons and I don’t think I’ve got over the way we were told everything by my mum when I think we should have been protected from it.

@Rummikub but MIL might well be making it all up, slagging off your ex is hardly uncommon, so I would take what she says with a pinch of salt.

What an amazing MIL to have done that at the time and still keep it secret. Strong woman. My parents divorced when I was in my 20's and DM tried to keep it secret but eventually broke down due to the huge betrayal and I knew everything (Thai girlfriend) 🤢

@Luckydip1 ridiculous

if she was making it up to stir surely she could’ve done this before. We don’t know mil but op does. And she believes her.

My exH had a long affair when my now teen kids were very small. I didn't know the ins and outs of it (& subsequent affairs) until years later. Obviously when I did we then separated.
At the time we told the kids the split was amicable and I have never since told them the truth or slagged their dad off. But it's bloody hard especially when he is now dipping in and out of parenting when he feels like it & poncing around like he's twenty years younger with his new girlfriend.
I want them to have as much of a relationship with their Dad as they can though and I don't want to be the cause of it being soured in any way.
Inside I feel bitterness and resentment towards him but there is nothing to be gained in telling them that and making them feeling the same way.
I imagine your MIL had similar thoughts regarding your DH. It's what parents do to protect their kids.

My parents broke up 20 years ago because my dad cheated on my mum with my step mum. I admit I don't know the full story, so I think more went on and that my mum isn't innocent, either she cheated too or she abused my dad, or both. I don't agree with my dad cheating but I've moved past it.

My dad never bad mouthed my mum, but my mum constantly bad mouthed my dad up until she recently died and it has left a massive scar mentally. You'd think it was my dad who left a scar. Nope my mum. I often told her to stop bad mouthing him but she never did.

Gosh just put the lid back on this one. No good can come of you messing up your husband’s relationships with his parents. Apart from that it was a very long time ago and there are always two sides to a story.

My parents divorced when they were retired. I know why and I have been able to move past the reason. However I have had a very similar experience to @Howlongxxxxx What has been challenging was my DM over-sharing information about the circumstances of their divorce. I wish my DM had spared me the details. I did not ask her to tell me and in the end I had to tell her that her friends would be better people to talk to about her anger and bitterness towards my DDad. We never discuss him anymore and she knows nothing about the kind of relationship I have with my DDad now.

Sadly affairs end marriages but even adult children do not need to know the finer details of the affair.

I think you are right not to speak to your DH about what your MIL has shared with you.

Do be aware you are only hearing one side of the relationship breakdown.
Don't repeat it to DH, it may well be considerably at variance with FIL's version.
MIL has clearly brought your DH up to respect his father regardless of what went on, which I think is admirable.

Honestly OP, I think you are being incredibly judgemental. This is ancient history.
You say MIL and FIL were childhood sweethearts, how many childhood sweethearts really work out? They clearly got together too young and weren’t right for each other. No, this doesn’t justify what he did back then, which was terrible, but he was young and stupid and inexperienced in relationships and breakups. The fact he is still married to the woman he left MIL for shows it was clearly for love and not some sordid fling. Whilst his actions were, frankly, awful, the reasons were real. He found the love of his life but it wasn’t the woman he’d married and he handled it BADLY.
Since your DH was two it sounds like he has done his best to make up for past mistakes and stepped up as a dad- even enough to be treated equally by your DH who deep down knows what has happened. He can’t be all bad and life is not black and white.
You’re in a similar place now to how MIL was back then, so you’re incredibly sympathetic to how it must have been back then, but you also need to be more open minded to the fact that people make mistakes, it was a long time ago, and to be honest it has nothing to do with you. It’s DH’s parents, and if he’s okay without knowing the details- and they sound like wise and very mature reasons he would rather not know- then you need to respect that and stop letting your feelings cloud an otherwise strong relationship between a father and son.

There is something uncomfortable for your MIL to let you in on a secret that could deeply affect your DH and then told you not to tell him. That is getting between and into your relationship with Dh. It is an unfair burden to put on you. You have no way to approach anyone to process that information. You have no standing in the family to do so and now cannot tell anyone. She has basically turned you against the FIL, even if he deserved it but now what are you supposed to do?

She has basically dumped on you. I would tell her not to share any more of that in the future.

This, my parents divorced many years ago nothing to do with me what went on in their marriage same as my ILs and their marriage it is none of my or my husbands business

I think some people enjoy taking on other peoples dramas, we see examples of this on here every day let alone in real life

Well that's DMIL's version.
Keep that in mind.

I would have had to say to her that I'm sorry but you don't feel it's appropriate for her to talk to you about things her own son doesn't know about. If i saw the conversation heading that waY , id have felt too uncomfortable . It's too late now but I feel she has crossed a line with you , she hasn't thought it through, the impact on you or your relationship. I'd try to wipe it from my mind and be wary in the future sadly.

You are painting your MIL as a saint when actually she is putting you in a very vulnerable position (now having to keep secrets from your DH). That is very inappropriate.

I expect you having a baby has brought up feelings about her own experience and subconsciously she wants to punish her ex by making his son think poorly of him. We all paint ourselves as the victim in our divorces and demonise the other person. It’s natural. But she should share that with a counsellor or peer, not you.

FWIW both my parents had affairs. It is nothing to do with me and I’ve never given it any particular thought. How I feel about them is 100% related to their relationships with me, not with each other. We are all human and weak.

Mil has been unreasonable now expecting you to keep a huge secret from your dh. If he ever finds out you knew he won't be happy. Imo. She shouldn't have told you.