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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child custody arrangement via court

49 replies

LDA123 · 19/09/2023 02:12

Can anyone talk me through their experience of child custody arrangements obtained via the court?

How long did it take from start to finish?

How did you find the process?

Were you happy with the outcome?

It would be great to hear some personal experiences.

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 19/09/2023 02:47

What will you be using this information for?
Some of the information you are asking for is very personal and your post sounds like a list of research questions.

SD1978 · 19/09/2023 02:49

What people are happy with will depend on a myriad of factors. If you have specific questions relating to your own situation, you'll need to give some more i formation before I'd imagine many people would be happy to respond

Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 05:43

Oh sorry, nothing to do with research, only for my own personal reasons. Moving into a shared 50/50 custody arrangement, I feel like I have little choice regardless of whether I think it is best for the children. Reading up about court, it feels like it is only used in extreme cases. Just wondering where there leaves people like me, where mediation has been deemed unsuitable and me and the co parent are barely on talking terms. I’m struggling to see how this is ever going to be in the children’s best interests when there is so much conflict.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 05:47

Am I right in thinking that unless there is a serious reason why 50/50 is not suitable, dragging everyone to court and all the stress and upset that goes with it, is unlikely to produce a result other than 50/50?

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 05:54

There is very little contact between me and the co parent. I completed a parenting plan to try to get in writing regarding how it will all work, so we’re on the same page, but that has just been ignored.

He makes comments like clubs are not essential care of the children. It shouldn’t move to 50/50 split of some costs (school trips for example) because he has paid SCM for the last year so I should have saved to cover these sort of future expenses.

I have no idea whether we are going to be on the same page regarding actual parenting, how we deal with problems, communication etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 06:02

There is a thread on MN about people’s experiences of 50/50 and pretty much everyone who did this as a child, hated it. The only exceptions are people who had an amazing relationship with the ex etc. Unfortunately, this is not the situation for me. Probably shouldn’t be reading doom and gloom stories about 50/50 custody in the middle of the night ☹️.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 19/09/2023 06:41

LDA123 · 19/09/2023 05:43

Oh sorry, nothing to do with research, only for my own personal reasons. Moving into a shared 50/50 custody arrangement, I feel like I have little choice regardless of whether I think it is best for the children. Reading up about court, it feels like it is only used in extreme cases. Just wondering where there leaves people like me, where mediation has been deemed unsuitable and me and the co parent are barely on talking terms. I’m struggling to see how this is ever going to be in the children’s best interests when there is so much conflict.

I had 50/50 shared custody with my ex for many years. Started when DC was little. It actually worked very well. We did a week at a time and change over days were Fridays. DC went to a childminder before / after school and their bags were dropped their Friday mornings to be collected by the other parent Friday evenings. We actually barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary - eg for holiday arrangements. He would attend all school parent meetings and I would make other arrangements to see the teacher. If DC was ill, whichever parent they were with at the time would take them to the GP and inform the other parent. It can work very effectively if you plan it carefully.

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2023 07:12

50:50 can and dork work well in many cases but usually where parents live close by, get on well enough and generally can agree on major yhings

if you genuinely do t think it in your children’s best interests then remain fact based, lay out why and ask forclear instructions on the matter of clubs, consistency and costs and allow it to go to court

how old are the children ?

Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 07:27

I am in Scotland and went to court. I don’t want to go into details but the outcome was very little contact for xH because of the circumstances.

After several hearings (which cost a fortune), we were anyway referred back to mediation to try to build up the contact. We did have co-mediation (I think that is the right term for two mediators in the room) which didn’t work (mainly because xH then got a girlfriend and became entirely uninterested in increasing contact after all).

I honestly would save your money and stress unless there are some circumstances where you are advised by SS not to agree to the contact (which was my position), and see how it works in practice. You don’t say why you are moving to 50/50. It has left me struggling financially, and xH moved on anyway and stopped engaging with the process.

Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 10:20

Moving to 50/50 as that is what he has announced that he wants.. and I don’t think I have much right to say no.

OP posts:
Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 12:43

I think you would be within your rights to negotiate a more gradual shift if that would be better for the children. It’s not about what your ex wants but about the best interests of the child. What is the contact pattern at the moment?

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 19/09/2023 12:46

What is the current care arrangement? Who does what and when?

JimnJoyce · 19/09/2023 13:23

how old are your children?

Original poster
LDA123 · 19/09/2023 17:46

4 children aged 6-13. Current schedule (for last 16 months) is 2 nights out of 14 (shared care with his parents)

OP posts:
Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 18:06

Shared care with his parents, i.e children’s grandparents not their father? Has anyone asked the children what they would like?

Starlightstarbright2 · 19/09/2023 18:24

The 13 year old will be listened to the 6 year old not at all …depends on the ages between ..

Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 18:33

Edited to remove identifying detail at what age my child was listened to - sorry.

Wildhorses2244 · 19/09/2023 18:46

I don’t think that you have to agree to everything he’s asking for.

Can you counter offer something like 4 nights out of 14 on a fixed schedule (eg fri,sat,sun nights on his weekend and then thur on your weekend) plus half the holidays?

With the offer to review and increase after 12 months if it is working well. …

If it might eventually end up in court it’s worth coming at it from what’s best for the kids ie “making such a significant change all at once isn’t in the kids best interest. Id like to propose x,y,z which will be great for the kids because it gives them more time with you whilst still having a stable base here”

If he’s funny about money you might find that cms is the reason I’m which case he won’t actually parent on the extra days - he’ll just reduce his maintenance.

Original poster
LDA123 · 21/09/2023 08:50

Just a quick update. In the beginning, he suggested one week on and one week off. I said no as absolutely no way I don’t want to see the kids for 7 nights in a row. I suggested a 5/5/2/2 split and he said it could work. We confirmed the start date. I sent him an online parenting plan 3 weeks ago but he did not reply or engage at all. He would not discuss the childcare plans any further (basically because I won’t put the house up for sale until we have a financial consent order).

I was expecting it to start tomorrow. He is now saying not enough time to prepare. And wants one week on / one week off.

Where do I go from here? Mediation was deemed unsuitable.

I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
JimnJoyce · 21/09/2023 10:18

hi @LDA123 he is obviously stalling and being difficult on purpose. If i’m right in thinking one of your children is 13 what do they actually want? How much time do they want to spend at their dads as that makes a difference too, although it doesn’t make it easier to sort.
My ex was extremely difficult to deal with too, I went to Mediation but they said due to the way he behaved it wasn’t suitable for us.
We went to court for a CAO in the end and I got it included that DD could go to clubs, join Beavers/ Guides etc. It also sets out specifically who has the kids when and for how long, school holidays, Xmas etc. Mine also specified things XH wasn’t allowed to do such as talking to DD about adult subjects, drive with her in the car after drinking.
It didn’t give me any more time than 50/50 ( which actually ended up more 60/40 ) but it did give very tight boundaries. More importantly as it gave timings of who had DD when and when it started from, on the occasions he refused to hand her over I had some comeback.
Sorry that was so long but you need to start as you mean to go on, this man will
make your life miserable else.

BoohooWoohoo · 21/09/2023 10:26

Legally the 13 year old would be allowed to choose how much time he spent with each parent so you should probably ask what they would prefer.

It sounds like you are going to have to go Court so that your ex is forced to abide by any schedule and take them to clubs if they fall on his days. Don't forget to get holidays, school holidays, Christmas, birthdays and Mother's Day added so you're not forced to go back to get them clarified. I've read many stories on here about exes thinking that they don't have to pay for school holidays childcare etc 5/5/2/2 is a perfectly reasonable proposal.

Original poster
LDA123 · 21/09/2023 10:26

JimnJoyce · 21/09/2023 10:18

hi @LDA123 he is obviously stalling and being difficult on purpose. If i’m right in thinking one of your children is 13 what do they actually want? How much time do they want to spend at their dads as that makes a difference too, although it doesn’t make it easier to sort.
My ex was extremely difficult to deal with too, I went to Mediation but they said due to the way he behaved it wasn’t suitable for us.
We went to court for a CAO in the end and I got it included that DD could go to clubs, join Beavers/ Guides etc. It also sets out specifically who has the kids when and for how long, school holidays, Xmas etc. Mine also specified things XH wasn’t allowed to do such as talking to DD about adult subjects, drive with her in the car after drinking.
It didn’t give me any more time than 50/50 ( which actually ended up more 60/40 ) but it did give very tight boundaries. More importantly as it gave timings of who had DD when and when it started from, on the occasions he refused to hand her over I had some comeback.
Sorry that was so long but you need to start as you mean to go on, this man will
make your life miserable else.

Thank you so much JimnJoyce, that’s so helpful. The 13 wants to see his Dad but would prefer to be based in one place.

Can I ask, how did you find the whole court process? Were the kids okay with it all? I don’t want to do anything that might upset them.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 10:35

How long have you been divorced? How long has the current custody arrangement of 2/14 been in place? Was he in agreement with that until now?

How far apart do you live?

Do you both work full time?

stealthninjamum · 21/09/2023 10:39

Op I haven’t been through this as I have my kids 100% of the time but I do listen to a lawyer called The Legal Queen and you can find her on Instagram, tiktok and podcasts. I listen to the podcast and she’s great.

I’m no expert but she has said stuff like a court would look at the current situation and be unlikely to go from 2 days a week to 50/50. It’s more likely they’d go up incrementally. The needs of the dc come first so you would need to argue the needs of the kids and his current inability to parent them on his own doesn’t look like he can meet their needs (although obviously you would hope he can change).

Added to that the 13 year olds views would most likely be considered in court.

So my advice is to document all emails and when you write one be reasonable and imagine a third party (eg judge) was reading it. So when he makes a demand keep emphasising the needs of the children come first - and politely where he has failed to meet their needs. I personally wouldn’t have even agreed to 5/5/2/2 without him agreeing to increasing up until Xmas and then maybe adding a day every few months and getting him to sign a parenting plan that covers clubs, illnesses, holidays etc.

Honestly op, keep calm, put your children’s needs first and the chances are he won’t get 50/50 especially if the older ones don’t want it. Or maybe he’ll surprise you and become a good parent, especially as your dc get older.

saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 10:41

Also given the conflict, I would use a family website for all communication. It has claendars and all messages are there and time stamped for both parties to see. Something like Our Family Wizard