Child custody arrangement via court

[LDA123]

Can anyone talk me through their experience of child custody arrangements obtained via the court?

How long did it take from start to finish?

How did you find the process?

Were you happy with the outcome?

It would be great to hear some personal experiences.

I went to court.

It took about six months for me, I know others who it took a year where heavily disputed.

The court process - kids only got upset when other parent got difficult (eg during contact/phone calls). We had advice from CAFCASS on when to terminate calls and contact if it was too much and we followed that to the letter.

Other than that, they’re pretty resilient.

Process - not going to lie it’s infuriating and you have to hold onto why you’re doing it at times. Solicitors it transpires will pretty much write anything the other party pays them to so you quickly learn not to believe their bullshit and not to jump to their tune. Their demands are usually to try and make you look unreasonable in some way shape or form.

We used a McKenzie Friend and they were brilliant. And cheaper than a solicitor.

Contact wise - the courts were quite clear that ‘more contact’ should be phased rather than two nights to seven. They seem to take into account the status quo I.e. kids live with me and how long that has been the case ie 12 months or more and then allow that to inform part of their decision making.

Cafcass who were involved were truly useless.

The biggest issue is usually one party once wants best for the kids and the other just wants to stick it to the world. What court is good for is setting boundaries - who picks up when, where, for how long, where is Christmas, birthdays, new year etc.

Court have zero interest in finances. A 50/50 shared care order sees neither party paying money to the other in most circumstances. The more nights you have the children the more child support your Ex would need to pay. What you spend it on or save it for us up to you. What he contributes above that is up to him.

What it did for me - set good boundaries, limit the drama, remove conflict eventually with changeovers at school, remove me as the source of money/clothes to go to other parent’s house.

What it doesn’t do - eradicate the idiot and their thinking on parenting, education and medical matters from your life. They still do things you wouldn’t do, agree with, or that you think are inane and you have to learn to roll your eyes and remember it isn’t as bad as it was.

It was worth it for me. But do be prepared for the vitriol.

hi @LDA123 my DD was 4 when we were doing this so the actual court proceedings didn't really impact her other than Cafcass insisting on assessing her to find out her views...

We went to court 3 times to get our final order as the XH was such an arse and lied blatantly about so many things. He just wanted to try and stick it to me and did everything he could to put spanner's in the works. Unfortunately court don't really care about that so it dragged on and on.

My biggest problem has always been and will always be him, regardless of any court order.

DD is nearly 15 now, 2 years ago she refused to see her dad again and has lived solely with me ever since.

I wanted to use it Family Wizard as he is often abusive by text. He agreed by text and I paid £100 and signed up. Despite reminding him multiple times, he never signed up and so I ended up having to ask for my £100 back and we are back to communicating by text.

We are not yet divorced as have not reached a financial settlements. Separated 16 months. Custody arrangement been in place 14 months. Yes he was in agreement until now but I asked to split assets 60/40 and now he wants 50/50. We live close to each other in the same town. From this year, he is now full time self employed. I now work 30-34 hours per week (was part time when split) and fit in around school pick ups/drop offs. He doesn’t do any.

Thank you so much for this. You reasons for doing it sound exactly what I need. I really hoped that we could work together but it is becoming increasingly clear, that it is never going to happen.

Remind him.that if he has 50/50 then he will be responsible for the kids for the whole 24hr period- so will need to pay childcare for the younger ones on his week etc. No having you pick them up then him claiming the night to avoid cms.

Sounds to me like you need to get a decent solicitor to fi alise the divorce, then perhaps rethink child arrangements. How old are the inbetween kids? I'd say secondary age kids need to be consulted and listened to. Suddenly being thrown into a 2 homes situation when you have books/kit to sort for school each day will be very hard on them.

You say you don't have any choice in this... you do. You can say NO. And if he wants to force the issue he takes it to court.

And on the app front... yep you can force that too. Set it up - tell him this is THE ONLY way you will communicate from now on and block him in all other formats. (Make sure he doesn't then try to use the oldest to communicate through.)

You can do this - you just have to realise his is not the boss of you. He does not get to dictate what happens. You have equal say to him and the kids also get a say. And don't let him stiff you for 50/50 in assets then decide he doesnt want to deal with the kids for his 50% make sure their costs are in the financial order independently of where they live. Including future uni costs as there is a clause that cane be used in a financial order for that too...

If I say no though, what is to stop him just not returning the kids when he is supposed to and making arrangements directly with them?

I had hoped that if I listened to him, was amicable and accommodating, set firm boundaries in place, both agreed to the Cafcass parenting agreements, we could somehow make it work and give it a go.

But I was obviously deluded.

If I say no, he will not listen to me. And I am alone where we live whereas he has his family. They would think nothing of turning up at school to collect even if not their day.

Court orders have their upsides in the fact it is written down what is expected.

Does that mean both parties stick to it?
Yes if they are decent people.

No if one just wants to do the amount of parenting they are interested in doing, when the schedule works for them. Then sadly it's still left to the other parent to pick up the shortfall with no comeback on person who has let you down.

Also the term i use is parallel parenting as there are things that happen with XH that I would prefer not to happen, but as someone else has said, I have no control over that. We communicate via WhatsApp and that is it. Fortunately even though I have very valid reasons for distrusting him, he seems to have got his shit together wrt how he treats the DC, although probably because they are old enough to call him out on it now if he were to try it

Unfortunately it sounds like regardless of what you try it will end up in court anyway.

I would stop communicating by text due to his abuse and say email only and if the abuse continues it will be via his solicitor.

Wanting to use the app - completely sensible with 50:50

Prioritising the DC needs/wants - completely reasonable.

Gradual increase to 50:50 - completely reasonable.

Say I think this is all about the split of the assets.

@LDA123 if you get a CAO school will want to know and will want a copy.

My son's school never asked for the CAO.
I believe if you want the school to have it you should ask the court and go through a solicitor. It's a confidential document.

@CharlotteBog maybe different local authorities handle things in different ways. DD's school knew about some of the struggles we were having with XH as they impacted her. Having it helped with Safeguarding aspects.

So this is the first weekend of the new trial 50/50 weekend. So Fri, Sat and Sun night they have stayed at his Mums. She collected them from school Friday, took them to appointments Sat, took to clubs Sunday and they’re all sleeping there. I don’t know who will take them to school tomorrow…. He doesn’t work Mon/Tue but does work Sat/Sun.

50/50 custody but with me and him & his Mum….

I think perhaps he will argue that his Mum has a bigger house. He lives in a 2 bedroom flat (with enough beds for everyone) until we sell the family home and he can rent somewhere bigger.

aggggggh

Well if he is working sat / Sun, then yes, it makes sense for his mother to have them on the weekend. Many working parents use childcare during their custodial time.

But when I use childcare, I’d drop them off and pick them up afterwards…. Not leave them them for the entire weekend. He works about 6 hours each day. And surely Sunday night, there is no need for them to stay? Or is this totally ok that the new 50/50 is actually mostly with his parents?

As part of CAO You can ask for right of first refusal so when he he is going to use childcare you can have them instead.

See if this might help you in terms of child arrangements in court. It might help you like it did me as I had no idea what to do and couldn't afford a solicitor. https://iamlip.com/help-guides/child-arrangements/
My court experience was horrible until I finally learnt what was happening and my choices going forward that I could take. My ex-partner was not a very nice person so I was just glad to have communities like this one on mumsnet and some on facebook where I could see I wasn't alone.
Hope this can help x

Absolutely this amd with the older ones views included. Take him to court but don't let it happen in the meantime if you possibly can. Do you have a solicitor? You really need tonbe speaking to one.

I don’t know if I am doing the right thing but I have applied for a CAO. He disagrees with the time split and we have not agreed on how we will deal with joint costs, contact, alternative caters etc. We are provisionally using a 5522 time schedule with all drop offs / pick ups via school and have zero contact.

I’m just really hoping the court will be able to provide set boundaries, a plan of how it will work, what has been agreed etc.

The whole thing is making me very anxious but I really don’t think we can sort this out ourselves and as mediation was deemed unsuitable, I just don’t know where else to turn. I am really hoping it can be resolved at the first hearing.

Do you actually want 50/50 because from what I'm hearing it won't be. It sounds like he will use the 50/50 to not pay anything but then leave them with anyone if it doesn't fit in with his plans...or is that an unreasonable assessment?

I'm sorry you're going through this, I have recently supported a good friend through a similar situation.

What would 50/50 look like to you best case scenario? From experience the first hearing is to lay out the case, the second will be to provide the evidence to support your case, and the third will be the decision and any discussions around it. However the case I have experience of with was time restricted for various reasons, and they needed a decision by a certain date, so it was moved through quickly. Yours may drag out so be prepared for this.

Sorry that you're going through this. In my experience, it takes a long time and there is so much back and forth with lawyers. Costs a lot too! If depends whether you and your ex agree about custody arrangements I think (obviously I'm not a lawyer).

I found this website very helpful for getting an understanding of the Family Law system in NSW: https://familylawbarristers.com.au/

They have a specific page about children and custody which doesn't use any confusing language and explains what you need to do and how long it can take: https://familylawbarristers.com.au/children-parenting/

Hi can I ask what was the outcome? My ex is doing same going through court proses as he didn’t see day visits to his acceptable. However he didn’t visit him much when born and has gone long periods without seeing his son. He is only 6 months old and he is demanding overnight I suggested days that work and fit in with his work until the child’s older? I think minimum input must count for something when courts decide………. 😕