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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dads who say they want 50/59 custody...

47 replies

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 08:39

I am going through a horrible separation and one of the things that has happened has really upset me (on behalf of the children).

Ex has maintained he wants 50/50 custody - we have been discussing on and off for nearly two years (lots of back and forth due to emotional abuse).

He is currently having to live away from the family home and is a 1 hour 40 minute drive away. He is now saying that until he moves back (when the family home sells and he buys his new house) he can only see them every other weekend.

I suggested one visit during the week to see them.

The children are very young so this will feel like a very long period of time for them.

Has anyone had experience of dads going back in their 50/50 so drastically?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 08:40

The title should say 50/50 😂

OP posts:
helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 10/09/2023 08:44

My ex said he wanted 50/50

He very quickly dropped that to Sundays only because of his 'unpredictable work schedule' and within 2 years didn't see them at all

He had no intention of ever having them 50/50 -it was done to hurt me

Shinyandnew1 · 10/09/2023 08:44

What do you mean-he wants 50/50 ultimately but this isn’t possible until he moves closer?

Bananasplitlady · 10/09/2023 08:49

Same as helloisitme - my ex only said 50/50 when he was trying to upset me, it was his final trump card. After throwing it out repeatedly for months, he ended up asking for fortnightly, not sticking to it then dropped Fridays and just did every other weekend 11am Saturday to 6pm Sunday.
Edit- after a few weeks I don't think she really noticed his absence and never asked for him. She was upset when he cancelled a Saturday, but she got used to that quickly.

Tilllly · 10/09/2023 08:56

If custody is 50/50, does that mean no child maintenance is paid?

Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 08:58

@Shinyandnew1 He has been removed from the family home - on bail - so he went to his parents house.

The family home has been sold but sale not yet completed - maybe 2- e months from now. So he is saying for that period of time he will only see them twice a month.

For context he used to do the commute daily five days a week but now won't do it once a week to see his kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 08:58

@Tilllly Yes, there is no requirement for maintenance if 50/50

OP posts:
TeenagersAngst · 10/09/2023 09:04

Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 08:58

@Tilllly Yes, there is no requirement for maintenance if 50/50

Not always. It depends on earning disparity.

Luckydip1 · 10/09/2023 09:05

50:50 is very common now and good for the children as they get to spend an equal amount of time with both parents.

IsThisIt2021 · 10/09/2023 09:15

My ex said he was having the kids 50;50. I said whilst I wasn’t happy that I wouldn’t get to see them everyday, I understood and agreed. He straight away changed his mind and said he’d have them weekends.

Hes yet to have them overnight, hasn’t seen them for almost 3 years (3 months off) and hasn’t even spoken to them on the phone in over 2 years.

All talk in our case but I do know 50:50 is the aim for a lot of people now and it does work out for some. Only you will know if he’s saying it to hurt you or whether he actually does intend to do it. Best of luck OP

LifeIsShitJustNow · 10/09/2023 09:18

Luckydip1 · 10/09/2023 09:05

50:50 is very common now and good for the children as they get to spend an equal amount of time with both parents.

I know this is a really different discussion but 50/50 has been the ‘norm’ for years in France and they’ve dialled back down because, in the RL, it can be hard to organise. Starting with the the father needs to actually be involved fully in the dcs life. Not just feeding and housing them rather than parent them/deal with school/GP and illnesses etc….

Shinyandnew1 · 10/09/2023 09:18

50/50 is a nice clear it arrangement with the kids benefitting from seeing both parents equally and no need for maintenance in many cases. If a parent agrees to 50/50 and then doesn’t actually do it, it clearly needs to be revised.

ConfusedNoMore · 10/09/2023 09:23

If a man is a decent father and wants 50/50, that's fine.

Abusers tend to claim to want it to punish mothers in family court and cause distress. My ex asked for it until I proved in court he'd cancelled or been significantly late for over half of the already agreed contact.

This summer he's had 4 days out of 42. DS is old enough now to say he doesn't want to go and ex doesn't seem too bothered.

Desecratedcoconut · 10/09/2023 09:24

Shinyandnew1 · 10/09/2023 09:18

50/50 is a nice clear it arrangement with the kids benefitting from seeing both parents equally and no need for maintenance in many cases. If a parent agrees to 50/50 and then doesn’t actually do it, it clearly needs to be revised.

Yeah, that's what every kid wants, an equal share of time with the parent who was removed from the family home - on bail. So progressive.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 10/09/2023 09:24

@Hardheadedwoman39 you are talking about a few months during which your dcs won’t have seen their dad as often right?

I don’t think that’s an issue as such. Children cope with their parents going away fir much longer periods (eg army, oil rigs etc….).

The bigger issue is him actually not being bothered (as you said, he did the travel everyday before when it was about work).
It’s the fact he was abusive/violent (guessing from the fact he was removed from the family home). Do you really want an abuser to be in charge of young children 50% of the time?
Its the fa t he’ll probably use the dcs to still have a go at you, whatever way he can - having the dcs 50/50 being only ONE way he can use them as a weapon against you.

So my question is more: do you have a lawyer, a really good one to support you? Have you contacted Women Aid for advice re the dcs? What steps have you taken to protect yourself and tte dcs?

Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 09:26

I am totally comfortable with 50/50 and have always agreed to do that. I now feel sad that he's pulled back so suddenly for this interim period.

I suspect he is doing it to gain sympathy- he will say I'm stopping him seeing them/it's my fault. I'm not and keep suggesting more access/ways to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 09:30

@LifeIsShitJustNow Thank you

I do have an excellent solicitor who is very aware of the tactics my ex is using.

He is absolutely now using the children to get at me - he is being investigated for coercive control.

I have not had issues with him as a parent until now - I suppose this is the first time he has 'punished' them for things.

He is very very angry - he goes into awful rages where he makes terrible decisions and is highly destructive.

I have been in contact with a DA charity that helped me with the non molestation order initially.

I am trying to continue to do the right thing but it is now reaching the point where I wonder if he can cope with 50/50

OP posts:
Zimunya · 10/09/2023 09:31

OP - no immediate solution, but please make sure all your offers / solutions are in writing (text / email) so that if you do need to go to court you can clearly show that you made every effort to offer solutions.

Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 09:33

@Zimunya He isn't allowed to contact me directly so everything is through solicitors. I screen shot everything and keep notes as well.

I had to start doing that years ago as I questioned reality the whole time and it was the only way I could get perspective.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 10/09/2023 09:37

It so often seems that 50 50 is demanded - whether as a control tactic or initial enthusiasm - then when the reality dawns, it quickly reduces.

Is it generally best to be all bright and positive with 'yes! Let's do 50 50! 😁' with no wrangling or objections from the start, then inform the father of exactly how much work, time and committment that's going to take that previously you'd done entirely?

Velvetbee · 10/09/2023 09:40

Why would you want your children to spend more time with an abusive man?
keep everything in writing but hope he quietly drops out of their lives surely?

lljkk · 10/09/2023 09:41

If parents agree 50:50, but one parent totally doesn't achieve that, can the actual resident parent then start to claim child maintenance? What recourse is there for the parent providing 90%+ of childcare but not getting any maintenance for it?

Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 09:53

He hasn't been abusive towards them historically so I would not have grounds to withhold custody.

I'm increasingly less comfortable with it though as he now is making decisions that affect them directly.

It is very difficult to know how to navigate it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardheadedwoman39 · 10/09/2023 09:55

@lljkk I have wondered about the maintenance but as he is on bail and it's temporary then I doubt there is much point. This month he did pay his share of the bills and mortgage so I suppose I should be grateful for that!

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2023 09:56

A lot of men demand 50:50 and because they've never actually had to juggle work/childcare/housecare/cooking/cleaning/laundry/school etc they swiftly realise they "can't do it" and reduce it drastically.