Dads who say they want 50/59 custody...

[Hardheadedwoman39]

I am going through a horrible separation and one of the things that has happened has really upset me (on behalf of the children).

Ex has maintained he wants 50/50 custody - we have been discussing on and off for nearly two years (lots of back and forth due to emotional abuse).

He is currently having to live away from the family home and is a 1 hour 40 minute drive away. He is now saying that until he moves back (when the family home sells and he buys his new house) he can only see them every other weekend.

I suggested one visit during the week to see them.

The children are very young so this will feel like a very long period of time for them.

Has anyone had experience of dads going back in their 50/50 so drastically?

I'm increasingly less comfortable with it though as he now is making decisions that affect them directly.

Tbf, if you have the dcs 50/50, that’s how it should be.

The issue is when he is using the dcs to get to you. You are describing him as being very angry and making destructive decisions. What would be the effect on the dcs if he goes into one if his rages against you?

I don’t believe that, in those circumstances, he can be a good father to the children. I’d really review your stance on thinking that 50/50 is good fir the dcs. And I’d get more advice/support from the DA charity yo had contacted to get a long term view.

It’s not about you and whether you can cope with him having them 50/50. It’s about tte dcs and whether seeing him 50/50 is actually good fur them - including the fact he’d take many more decisions about what’s going on in their life. I’d include the high risk of parental alienation there too.

My ex wanted 50 50, and devised an intricate plan for care on his time which included his mum moving into the fmh that we were still living in!

In the end he could only be bothered EOW and has only seen them 4 times a year max for the last decade.

I'm confused. Is he working? If so, assuming he finishes at 5pm at earliest, you want him to travel 1h40 to see his kids probably for a very short time if they are little before going to bed, and travel 1h40 back? That's a lot to expect and can understand why he wouldn't.

Hopefully it won't be long until he can move back in the area.

@LifeIsShitJustNow You are so right about the parental alienation - it is exactly what he does.

@vivainsomnia He is working but works very flexible hours and previously would do two post school stints looking after them from 3pm

He could easily travel up and work in a cafe and then pick them up or at a friends house. Or he has the funds to stay in an air b and b - there are lots of options available to him...

@Loverofoxbowlakes He did this! Moved his mum in when he had them!

I think it is better to not see the exH as the enemy, but work with and help him be the best dad he can.

@Luckydip1 I agree however when there has been years of abuse it's not straightforward as they blur the line between parenting and getting at you.
He has to have everything 100% his way otherwise he gets very angry.

I have older children with a previous partner and the relationship with him and his partner is brilliant - so I know with the right person it can work!

That makes it harder, maybe once you establish a routine and over time he will settle down.

Tbh this is abusive man, so abusive the OP needed to take a restrictive order and he is now on bail….

It might be that he’ll give up, like a lot if other fathers that simply find it too hard.
Unfortunately, I think it’s more likely that he will keep going and carry on with the abuse for as long as he can. (unless he finds something else to distract him such as a new partner??)

I wish my ex wanted 50/50 it’s me that would want that but he chose not to see them instead never wanted 50/50

@LifeIsShitJustNow I am torn between wanting him to meet someone new to distract him but then being terrified it will happen to them.

@BananaSlug I want 50/50 if he can be decent to them but I suppose i will never know how he is with them, which is hard.

He’s not a decent person. Decent people don’t end up being taken from their homes and having bail conditions. He says he wants 50/50 - but you know that isn’t going to work. He’s probably selfish and a useless, waste of space parent. Stop trying to be nice and protect your DC from him before he does something you will both regret.

@BeeCucumber
I totally see your POV. He has been a very good dad - awful to me but not them - I suppose I am now in the awful space of hoping nothing will happen.

I'm not being naive more realistic as I don't have the grounds currently to challenge access.

Hi
its been a while but wanted to know if you still have details of this solicitor.

So many men see partners and children as things, property. So when they demand 50/50 it's to keep hold of their stuff that they believe is going to be taken from them.

And it's so often done specifically to hurt and control the ex.

If they get it then next thing is they suddenly realise - does this mean I now have to start doing the wifework? Myself?? The cooking and cleaning and laundry and supervising bedtimes and homework and getting up and off to school and ferrying around and and and ...

All the stuff they so often never lifted a finger to do in the marriage now suddenly becomes really their responsibility. Because 50/50.

Cramps their style a bit. This fantastic new single man lifestyle.

And then maybe a new girlfriend appears. Possibly another kid. Last thing she wants is them competing for his attention.

So is it wise always to agree to 50/50 - and bide your time, knowing perfectly well it won't happen?

My ex said he wanted 50-50 for about five minutes until I asked him how he was going to manage school drop offs, pickups and 50% residence when he works full time and goes off on countless conference and hobby trips. He literally hadn't thought of that As I had spent the previous 10 years busting a gut to get my freelancing work done around the kids and picking up all the slack, it blew my mind that he HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT while thinking he wanted 50-50!

Men usually want 50-50 either because they don't want to pay maintenance, or they want to hurt their ex, or maybe because in their head they're pulling their weight but they actually haven't a clue. (Though I'm sure there are some who are hands on, available and involved dads they are not the majority).

Then if they get it, IME they usually dump a whole ton of childcare on their mum and/or their new partner.

I agree with people saying they do it to keep control. My ex wanted 50/50. Well he got that and the child benefits etc as i was a higher earner and he was a cocklodger during our relationship. It's a financial arrangement for him as he has barely spent any time with them and fobs them off constantly. Even on Christmas day. I've filed a c100 as DDs don't see any point having to go to his to impress his girlfriend when he performance parents. Suddenly for the last week he has gone out of his way to stick to the 50/50. My solicitor send her regards and says he's doing this for two weeks for nothing because he hasn't done 50/50 for years. She said that as soon as I get the child benefit and he can't work part time any more and live off the universal credit we won't see him for dust. I don't think any of them really want 50/50. They want to wear the single dad badge for clout.

It's a case of I want 50/50 but your going to have them so I can go to work and go out with my girlfriend because my mom doesn't want to babysit anymore what do you mean your at work? You money grabbing bitch! Fine! Keep the kids no-one will want you with kids DONT YOU DARE HAVE ANOTHER MAN AROUND MY CHILDREN IM THE ONLY FATHER AROUND HERE

can't make it today I'm busy

My STBEXH started threatening the 50/50 custody as he knows it absolutely sends me into a tailspin and totally triggers me. It absolutely terrifies me.

i decided to turn it round and call his bluff so I told him that I thought it was a good idea. I work part time so said the time I was working, he could have DS and when I was off, I would have him…(I work a set shift pattern of two weeks on/two weeks off)
it would save me panicking over and being beholden to him… I would just do my 2 weeks childcare when I was off totally and had no juggling…

He obviously sh*t himself knowing he realistically couldn’t manage! He starts work at 7am and leaves the house at 6am and his new partner is moving in with him so she wouldn’t want a small child there… 🤣🤣🤣🤣
He totally backed down and promised not to threaten again…

@Yogazmum exactly!!! It's an attempt to manipulate and control.

But the slap in the face with a wet fish that is the realisation what 50/50 actually MEANS, plus the reaction of new gf not anticipating that when you get the father you get the kids ...

You did exactly the right thing. Didn't dance on eggshells, or go into a panic for his entertainment. Well done 👏👏👏

Oh don’t get me wrong… prior to that I have had total screaming meltdowns. I just wish I had thought of turning it round instead of panicking about him taking my DS away from me.
He's never mentioned it since strangely enough… 🤔🤣

Brilliant . Well done for refusing his controlling tactics.

Focus now on making him step up to his responsibilities. Child support etc, time with his own children.

She will not be keen on any of that, especially if she goes on to have a child with him.

Your concern will shift away from him 'wanting' the children ... to him not wanting to have enough to do with them.

And here’s me wishing my ex had wanted 50/50