Housing after divorce

[LDA123]

I potentially have the following options available to me following divorce. 2 boys 13 & 9 and 2 girls 6&11. All similar distance from schools:

(1) Use equity to pay private rent on a suitable property. Based on current earnings / rental prices, equity last about 10 years before running out.

(2) Buy a 2 bedroom place in a nice area with kids sharing and me on sofa bed in lounge.

(3) Buy a very small 3 bedroom place in a worse area.

Kids would be with me 50/50 (new arrangement).

WWYD?

I have agreed 50/50 custody in mediation (2:2:5:5) and hopefully moving into my new place by end of October. I have ds13 & ds12 and am moving from the 4 bed fmh to a 2 bed flat, stbxh is staying in the fmh. I chose to get the place that was most comfortable on my salary (so comprised on size / area of property) only as 50/50 custody = zero maintenance, yes it means the boys will share a room but I will make it work as am sure that the custody will break down and they'll end up at mine more....then will have to pursue cms...

Are you renting? That sounds like you have it all sorted. I would totally be ok with 2 bedroom if 2 children but it’s the fact that I’d have no bedroom puts me off a bit - no space to escape for peace! Plus I WFH a majority of the time.

It doesn’t matter what he wants op
the children deserve not to be squashed into a 2 bed ( I don’t mean to be disrespectful)
thete are assets available that means this doesn’t need to happen

op ex can get a job even if less than what he used to earn, get a mortgage and take the redundancy money as large deposit - sounds like 300k will get 3 bed - and a mortgage for the rest as well as keeping large % of pension

i would almost guarantee the 50:50 child arrangements as outlined won’t last long - I doubt the children will want it after a few months

I would ask why he is not considering the DC needs to be adequately housed in a suitable property and why he hasn't secured another job so can provide accommodation for them himself.

He absolutely could cash in his pension but guess what he doesn't want to because in the long term that's worth ££££££££ is he proposing pension sharing with you?

What he wants is not relevant.

What he predicts is not relevant.

You do the majority of parenting now and that will not change. We all know it. Don’t go along with the pretence he will step up.

Get proper advice on what ratio to split equity and pension but don’t copy my mistake and go for 50 50.

I’ve now got shit all pension and a 24 year mortgage and 99% of the parenting responsibilities. But if I ‘go after’ his pension the children get the sob story about their dad having to sell his house because of their awful greedy mother.

Good luck and do better than I did!!

I'd go for the sleeping on the sofa, but try to look for somewhere that could be extended out or up into the loft at a future date. Ex council houses can be good for this as they tend to have decent gardens, and decent loft space. They also tend to be a bit more affordable, round here anyway.

If I had equity and couldn't afford to buy something suitable to live in, rather than lose the equity on rent, I would get a buy/to-let and use the income towards rent for my to live in. I know people who have done this very successfully.

You are also not limited by schools etc for where you can consider buying that way, and you don't lose your equity.

We’ve both had our MIAM sessions now and the mediator emailed today to say that mediation has not been found to be suitable and ask if I want the court form.

Very confused now as she didn’t say why, only that she deemed it unsuitable (rather than him not wanting to). I hoped we could use mediation to sort the childcare plan out.

Back to the drawing board ☹️

Perhaps because he isn't wiling to compromise and his offer is so unfair?

I would imagine it's as @RandomMess says. My exH and I weren't considered suitable for mediation (due to him, and also the fact that I was frightened of him), so I got the form, gave it to my solicitor and went to court. I had a good and fair result from court & exH would never have agreed to it without a judge telling him what was going to happen.

Did they ever tell you why you weren’t suitable? I want to know why they deemed that but she didn’t reply to my email. Surely she has to give a reason why? I’m really surprised as he seemed reasonable on board with discussing the childcare plan. It was a massive step that he even booked the appointment and went (I’ve been asking since last year for mediation re the finances). I just can’t possibly think how she reached this outcome after 1 chat.

OP if you can afford a 2 bed in a 'nice' area but a 'small' 3 bed in worse area, the latter can't be that bad. I'd go for that. People considering two-beds usually don't need the space yet, a small 3 bed wouldn't give them much benefit over a 2 bed in better area, which they can then trade up when they DO need the space. Usually if there's a big difference you can buy a 3 bed with good sized bedrooms for a 2 bed in better area.
This isn't the main concern for you, you have 4 kids in need of a home now. Plus you! If you WFH a lot even a box room would be better than sleeping on the sofa

Did they ever tell you why you weren’t suitable? I want to know why they deemed that but she didn’t reply to my email. Surely she has to give a reason why?

Mediation can fail in two ways. One side refuses to compromise/agree and it's very obvious or because there is domestic abuse. If your DH was being "co-operative " on the surface then obviously the experienced mediator will have noticed something about yours/his behaviour that raises the DA red flag and doesn't think this is the appropriate route. Maybe they saw manipulation and coercive control in your session.

Let's face it he has the ability to earn a very high wage and buy a home with little deposit meanwhile he suddenly wants 50:50 after 0 time with all 4DC at once, is insisting that the family home is sold and he is given 50% of that equity forcing the DC into an unsuitable rental.

Any decent mediator is going to see red flags waving away.

So a bit of an update. I have sent off the court forms to apply for a financial order, representing myself. He won’t budge from 50/50 equity split insisting we have to rent. I figured, it can’t really get any worse so I might as well go to court to see what they deem fair and wherever it is, so be it. At least I tried.

With very little communication about it, we agreed a 5-5-2-2 child arrangement and are now 1.5 weeks in. However, he is not happy because wants it 1 week on / 1 week off. I really don’t agree with this, my youngest is only 6 and 7 days seems such a long time to not see them all (5 days is bad enough). Plus the logistics of working full time, childcare etc means it would be difficult. The 5522 split means a parent can collect them from school 4 days out of 5 and this would just not be possible with a week on / a week off.

He is now saying that he is taking me to court to demand 1 week on / 1 week off. And he will no longer look after the kids 50/50, he will wait until the child arrangement and financial court cases are finalised, the house sold etc.

He is saying that he cannot adequately house them now (only when family house sold and equity split) as lives in a 2 bedroom place. I accept it is not ideal but personally, I would make it work if it meant being with my kids.

So back to being in limbo and not knowing what is happening. Will the finance court hearing be delayed until the child arrangement court hearing is finalised? Or will they finalise financial stuff based on current arrangements rather than possible future arrangements? It’s all very chicken and egg.

Oh well done you! I get it's hard but if you give in to him now it's not going to miraculously get better, he will just move the goalposts. Getting everything court ordered is the best way in the long term.

If he no longer is looking after them 50/50 then put in a CMS claim. Focus his mind 😉

Well he's showing his true colours here isn't he!

You've made the right decision to self-rep and go to court.

He sounds like a bully used to getting his own way and not putting the DC needs first.

Sure long term he needs a 3 bed place and shock horror he may need to take the smallest room and they share the 2 big rooms just like he could sleep on a sofa bed now!

OP have you looked at the Advice Now guides pinned in the MN box at the top of the thread Just wondering if there;s anything therein that might help you. Basically he's just after money, not the kids.

In the meantime though did you see the suggestion earlier of shared ownership? I'm thinking of putting all my equity in, then I'd just have the lower rent to pay (no mortgage). Might be worth researching. So sorry you are in this awful position though, what an arsehole he is.

@GoingDownLikeBHS

Did you put your equity into a shared ownership home? In same predictament

Hi @Cyclingobsessed101 - we still haven't managed to sell the house. Accepted an offer April, "buyer" still not got a mortgage. He's on his second attempt with a mainstream lender now. I've also had to leave my home area to rent elsewhere, and that now means I am the bottom of the waiting list for any shared ownership that needs a "work/live" connection. So not sure where I will go, but yes I'd still prefer shared ownership overall.