No progress in divorce after 3 years

[72dotcom]

Hi,
I am continuing to spend anywhere between £400 and £900 a month on solicitor fees with no progress being made as stbx is digging his heels in and offering me a much lower sum than he’d get. I have the child under 18 with me and he hasn’t paid any child support. Divorce has been going on 3 years and I’m struggling emotionally and financially. I’m stuck in limbo living in the family home. My job is now under threat as we’ve had official notification of a restructure. I will have to apply for my own job, be redeployed or down graded. I have worked hard for my position and salary (which I now need more than ever).

I have already switched solicitors once and I’m still no further forward.

What can I do? Both of us submitted form E a while ago but there is constant nit picking about what stbx spent some of his pension withdrawn on (which I have no idea).

I am now worried about costs if this goes to court. I’ve already spent £15k and won’t have time to get another mortgage (or be able to afford it especially if I lose my job).

What can I do to cut costs and get this thing over?

Sounds like the only way you’ll resolve it quickly is to agree to whatever he wants, however you need to be comfortable with that. The problem will then go away, but you may be worse off financially longer term.

Can you try some sort of direct financial meditation with him to bring it to a close?

What exactly are the solicitors doing each month to warrant those fees?

I think you can claim child maintenance now, even before the divorce is finalised

Can't speak on the bigger issue as I'm not there yet but yes you can claim for maintenance. Not divorced yet and I'm paying it.

We haven’t spoken to each other since the split. I feel extremely uncomfortable to be around him so mediation was not an option. Although I can accept to offer, it will put me in severe financial difficulties as mortgage payments would be too much. I’ve worked hard (he didn’t move from the job he had at 21) and brought more money to the table. It just isn’t fair especially when I have our child all the time (she never stays with him).

Solicitor sees something he’s spent money on and asks for everything to be listed to the finest detail. One email to me, phone to them, one to me and so on. Phone call cost me £300 last month! I’m upset about it all as the money I have wasted on solicitors could’ve gone towards another house.

I’m not comfortable with what I am being offered. It’s unfair.

I would say the amount you are spending per month court would be cheaper. Has your solicitor not advised this.
It took me 3 years to get my divorce from a raging narcissist who refused to sign anything as he was frighted the police would go after him for admitting his abusive behaviour and was representing himself. A first class d*ck. Sometimes you just have to take the power back. If your solicitor is any good you may even get your costs paid by your ex husband. Good luck though. I remember clearly how awful it was.

I didn't have mediation either as he was extremely abusive .

Solicitors fees can be insane sometimes. I don't understand them sometimes - it's so hard to afford legal representation nowadays. See if this might be able to help you lower some costs - https://www.iamlip.com/ Its a bunch of free help guides that take you through the entire process, including how to fill out forms. People don't realise how much you can actually do by yourself so easily - I was surprised myself when I did it. You can also use this resource alongside a solicitor to help you keep costs down by showing you how to do it yourself e.g. forms. Also there are a lot of resources online you can use - Divorce facebook groups are really good for answering questions about what you need/can do. Hope this can help!

@Jennyclairee Out of interest, did yours happen to just flat out ignore solicitor correspondence as well?

@72dotcom The cost of communication through solicitors only is what's draining me too with no movement whatsoever. Although, currently it's about children I'm not even at the financials yet which I'm sure is bound to be just as difficult. Not that we have any, just the house.

How far disconnected are you interns of settlement and how are you determining it’s not fair?

not saying just accept it but it’s not worth spending 50k to be awarded 40k as well as emotional toll involved

It's really not fair that the less well off party is at a disadvantage throughout. My ex is dragging things out, has failed to even make an offer or counter our offer of 55/45, he knows at my level of earnings I'll soon run out of cash, we'll i have done so already but I've taken in a loan. He's a bastard really. Shown his true colours.

Have you filed to go to court? My divorce was dragging due to lack of cooperation so I filed a Form A (I think) and it launched court proceedings. He was a lot more willing to co-operate then as it showed I meant business.

What motivates your ex? I mean deeply motivates him?

My divorce has been going on for over 6 years and in the last two months an insane amount of progress has been made because I inadvertently said something that touched on how he thinks others view him. As a narc that's an incredibly motivating point for him, so not wanting anybody to know what an absolute c*ck he's been to me, he's now bring Mr Magnanimous. I didn't even threaten to tell anybody!

It may be that starting the court proceedings will do the trick. Bringing an invisible third party - a judge in this case - into the mix might be what he needs to behave better because an authority person is going to be looking at him. By better I don't necessarily mean decently, I just mean stop dragging his heels.

And to be honest while being in the shit financially is horrible (I'm sliding into it myself), just getting out of the situation where he controls the narrative is worth it. On that note, it might be worth speaking to your solicitor- yup, ££, but it's an investment - and telling him/her that you're really fed up, you need things to go faster as it's been 3 years, so what's their advice. Write notes to yourself so you stay on track, but don't be afraid of expression how it's making you feel. Be succinct sand clear. The solicitor may not be prioritising your case because there are squeakier wheels.

If OP has paid 36 x 700 = £25k so far... that is huge. Presumably he has paid similar? Is he paying the mortgage in meantime (since OP can't afford it on her salary)? How many children are dependent on you, OP? OP, if you got 50% of all the original assets (before you guys blew £50k on lawyers), how much would your 50% have been worth then, back in 2020 ?

I feel extremely uncomfortable to be around him so mediation was not an option.

This is an idea for anyone in similar situation... Friend did online mediation in separate TEAMS rooms, she never saw/heard her ex directly during mediation & more importantly for her, he never saw/heard her directly. The mediator (he chose) was a bit useless & hated the 2 rooms thing, but it happened. Friend was terrified of her stbxH.

Also, between mediation sessions there were lots of emails about details (when the real mediation 'work' happened) which were cc'd to both lawyers & mediator which made friend feel he "had to be nice".

I don’t have direct experience in this space but I am going through tricky legal proceedings with people who ignore correspondence and are generally extremely nasty.

The only time that they move or respond is when there is a court date upcoming or when there is an external deadline that needs to be met. Even then, they do the bare minimum, but it is better than there being no progress at all.

I’m so sorry for your difficult situation and I wish you all the best with it. Don’t let the bastards get you down.

You know need to push your solicitor to move this on or apply for financial remedy - or consider changing solicitors, they aren't all like this. There is no motivation from your solicitor to move this on while he can drag it out and keep charging you for phone calls about things that are of little consequence.

@clarebear111 Mine currently is about child access and they requested all communication through solicitors...yet aren't communicating. It's been four months now only had two responses, one threatening and the other offering a method of contact that they have now not responded or confirmed.

My solicitor is trying but nothing we've applied to court they still didn't respond. No idea whether still represented or just going to ignore it all.

Haven't even begun financial yet but it's insane it's allowed because it's costing a fortune dealing with a wall.

No advice, just wanted to say having been through divorce I feel so sorry for you. It's hard to move on or get closure with it hanging all over you and the money being wasted is eye-watering, and pointless as it's just going to reduce what each of you get anyway. My divorce took 6 months from filing to Decree Absolute and Consent Order being sealed. And that felt like a lifetime!

Why not take the offer a run? Is funding the solicitors fancy cars and holiday really with it?
How much are you going to gain?
I swallowed my pride, and at times hate myself, the ex had got half of everything thing after it living off me for years. He does not deserve a penny of it.

But I am divorced. It's over. I'm not funding my solicitors lifestyle.

I think I’m just going to have to accept the offer. It’s complicated due to inheritance and other things he has done making it look like he is the poor one - he isn’t.

The youngest child is coming up 16 so it isn’t like she is of primary age. She will probably be off to university in a couple of years.

It is soul destroying for me knowing that the offer on the table is exactly as it was three years ago (it was me that ended the marriage).

I’m worried about my job now that we are going through a restructure. I’ve already been told I’ll probably have to re-apply for my job and there are others who want it. To get into my field. at my grade, I will need to relocate. This is obviously an issue with the youngest child about to do her final GCSE year and the fact I’d
be moving her away from
her father - not that he ever has her (he’ll take her out shopping every now and then, that’s it).

Im not in a good way tbh.

I do agree though, that I’m being fleeced by the solicitor (he is my second, the first was the same - asking questions that were irrelevant etc.).

I’d have been done and dusted at 3 months had I accepted the offer but it became clear he wasn’t going to pay child support and had deliberately cashed in pension and stashed money away.

I’m starting to think this way. I’d be better using the money elsewhere.

OP you have posted a lot on here over a long period of time. When you post you give limited details of your situation and therefore you get erroneous feedback which cannot possibly inform you.

In this post you have been told to change solicitor, go to court, don’t go to court and a few other things besides. Last week the same happened and the same the week before. This is simply reinforcing your dissonance.

Because your ex earned less during the marriage and is a lot older (on or near retirement) his needs are greater than yours. Getting 50% of the house equity is a good offer. Your sticking point is pensions. His age means there won’t be a straight forward pension share. You are both going to need pension valuations and qualified legal advice. I don’t see any corners that can be cut if you go to court. But you have never provided details of the pensions, including your own NHS pension.

Many people have told you to claim CMS many times and you have in the past said your did. However recently you said your aren’t entitled but not explained why this is if he has an income. But at the end of the day your are living mortgage free on the family home, half of which is his. That has a material benefit for you. Because there is no future that doesn’t involve a mortgage.

In one of your first posts you said you wanted to stay in the FMH and to take a less stressful job. I don’t think you have made peace with the fact this is not a realistic outcome.

There are some things a divorce won’t give you.

@JibbaJab this sounds so stressful and I’m sorry as I know how frustrating it is when there is simply no response. I hope it resolved quickly. Hopefully if it ever does get before a judge, they will be unimpressed with what sounds like lacklustre communication. Wishing you the best of luck with it all. Some people eh.