Husband in denial

[Livinginamaterialworld]

So I told my husband that I want a divorce. This hasn’t been an easy decision. It has come after lots of years of being unhappy and walking around him on eggshells (although he says he is the one walking around on eggshells).
he has a bad temper and likes to shout at me and the kids and be controlling. So clearly neither of us are happy and I don’t think there is any point continuing down this road.
Husband accused me of giving up on the marriage too easily.
I made it very clear that rekindling anything was off the cards for me. We have already wasted years trying to make it work.
I thought I had got through to him.

neither of us can move out until we sell the house. So we are stuck living together, in a hostile situation.
But, my husband keeps talking about holidays and Christmas and those conversations seem to infer that we will be doing Christmas and holidays together. I can’t correct him
in front of the kids as we haven’t told them yet.

he doesn’t get it does he?
how do I make him realise that this is the end of the road and we have no future together?

No it doesn't look like he gets it!

Step 1 - telling the children together ideally
Step 2 - applying for divorce

The above will ensure he 'gets it'.

Good luck

Yeah, it's not complicated.

It seems like you're still walking on eggshells around him. Time to take matters into your own control.

I’ve definitely reduced the amount of walking of eggshells, but yes there is still an element of it.
I’m just trying not to make things really unpleasant for the kids. We have already argued far too much within earshot of the kids recently and it must be hard for them to hear it.
there is no way either of us can move out any time soon. I would move out if I could afford it but I can’t find anything suitable to rent locally and wouldn’t be able to afford it. I am
not prepared to Move out without the kids. Husband isn’t capable of meeting their needs properly.
Husband won’t move out because he probably can’t afford it either and probably doesn’t want to as that will ensure we are not getting back together.
I can’t even afford the mortgage application at the moment as my husband has gotten us into debt and I don’t physically have £600 to spare right now.
if he moved out, I would be able to afford the divorce application a bit more easily as I would get help with benefits as a single parent. I don’t want the faff of proving I am a single parent to the DWP whilst still living in the same house as my husband.

he doesn’t get it does he?
how do I make him realise that this is the end of the road and we have no future together?

@Livinginamaterialworld

Live as 'separately' as you can. Move your things into another room if you can. If you can't, sleep on the sofa. Separate your finances or at the least open your own account and only transfer to a joint account the funds needed to pay the monthly bills. See a solicitor and make no secret of it. Stop doing ALL 'domestic' services for him, no laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning up after him. If he says anything to you about the future, reply calmly "No, that won't be happening". You have to view him as a rather unpleasant roommate and treat him as such.

Even so, it may not work. There are none so blind as those who will not see. In which case, just go your own way and leave him to his delusions. In the end you aren't responsible for his feelings or his 'wishes'.

Thank you acrossthepond
I have been sleeping on the sofa for several weeks. I won’t share a bed with him because I think it blurs the lines of separation and will give him hope. We have always had separate bank accounts and Contributed a share towards the bills. I have definitely paid more than my
proportionate share towards bills but my husband has still racked up debt, claiming that it’s because of his bills contribution being so high. Unfortunately that now means that I have to contribute more to the bills account to keep a roof over my kids head and food in their bellies.
laundry is being done collectively for the whole household, mainly to keep costs down, but I will look at doing mine separately. I cook for myself when I get home from work (I get home last).
I guess I just have to keep reminding him to stop making plans for our future and stop talking about our future because there is no ‘us’ in the future.

we have never pooled all of our money into a joint account because his spending habits are irresponsible but the knock on effect of him getting into debt still affects me as his spouse.

Yes. just keep reiterating the point.

How will things improve though when you have no money? Can you sell the house if he comes to his senses?

Things will be better financially when I am
on my own because although my outgoings will be slightly higher due to paying all the household bills myself, my income will also be higher as I will qualify for some top up benefits. We will have to sell the house and I’m hoping to get at least 60% of the equity due to be being the resident parent. I’ve been told to expect 60% as the starting point.
I will have to downsize or buy a shared equity home (if I can find a resale one within the area my children go to school) but because I
currently paying most of the bills from my wages, it will be financially easier if I am single parenting. Housing costs are a worry, I have to admit.
I currently have no money because I don’t qualify for top up benefits due to our combined income but i am paying way over my fair share into the household budget.
I guess our marriage has been somewhat financially unequal, maybe even borderline abusive, for quite some time.

This is so hard, I'm sorry you are going through it. I had a very similar story as reasons for wanting to split and having to live together, and his denial of the whole thing asking for "second chances" when I felt it was just over, we had had many chances before. Denial became sadness, depression, anger... he also wouldn't accept to move out and I didnt want to sell not to disrupt routine for kids. In the end he only accepted more when I filed for divorce and said I would then rent a room nearby, just couldn't live under same roof, I had been sharing room with my son for months. He eventually agreed for me to buy him out and slowly managed to get near the end of divorce without spending thousands on solicitors. I was a bit better off financially but I'd just say be weary of divorce costs and try to sort things between you amicably if you can. I know it seems impossible in an emotionally abusive relationship, but read, strategize, look for information and make a plan. Keep your head and look after your health. It's a battle but you'll be happier for it when it's over xxx

Thank you everyone for the previous responses.
I have made progress. I put on my big girl pants and applied for divorce. Shit has hit the fan and he is really angry but that has just made me more determined to get divorced and get away from him. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells around him.

good luck

Well done OP. When you say he's angry, is he angry but copable with or scarily angry?

Good for you. You may find your emotions swinging around a lot from relief to fear to anger to determination. Mine certainly did. I understand why you want to avoid the faff around with UC, but it sounds like you could really do with the extra money. I'd wait untill you've told your families and friends though, so you'll have that proof plus the divorce application.

That's great news! Now just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

Ah amazing! I’m just reading this and so proud you took the steps to get a divorce. It might feel difficult at first but your future self will be thanking you for it. You and your children will be much better off this way. If you’re having financial trouble affording the divorce, maybe this might help - http://iamlip.com/ - it’s got free help guides that take you through the entire process so it might be helpful if you’re tight on money at the moment or need to save what you have. Also keep using mumsnet, they’ve got some great people on here who can help with answers to questions you might have or just be there to have a chat.
Hope it all goes well!

heldinadream
it feels like scarily angry. Making significant threats. I don’t feel I can do much about it though as he would just deny it if I tried to do anything about it.

Please OP, be careful. Leaving abusive relationship is the most risky moment for women.

If you feel unsafe, please contact the police, explain the situation. They could flag your address just in case. Even if he denies it, they’ll be a trace in the system.

Plus, knowing that the police are involved might in itself put him off doing anything.

That's worrying - what kind of threats is he making? Might be time to make contact with Women's Aid and/or police. Please be careful.

I have already contacted womens aid. They advised me to contact our local DV service and log my concerns but I haven’t done that yet. I will try and do it today. In all the years we have been married this is the first time I have felt threatened. It’s a really horrible feeling especially as we have children.

My ex escalated massively when I decided to end things. He was never physically violent before (other than pushing me) but since has first stopped eating for a week, then threatened suicide, then was very physically violent once, then constantly said wished I died... now we are divorced, he says doesn't want to see me but continues to bully me and every interaction about kids involves loads of swearing and threats. He's worst then ever and uses kids to make my life hell as he knows it gets me when he stresses with them. It's truly horrible and scary. I called police once early on and since he said if I ever did again, i wouldn't want to see what someone who has nothing is capable of. Just sharing as its a real possibility. I'm now also about to flag him to the police but any non mol order is time consuming and I am terrified about him just completely losing it and actually harming us. There's no easy way out. I'm just trying to stay safe, learn grey rock (soooo difficult when so used to soothing him to keep peace) and hoping time will make things easier... all started 20mo ago but divorce only finalized last month, we had to live under same roof for over 1 year...

@Livinginamaterialworld

Read @NewmemyselfandI 's post carefully. This is not to discourage you, but to educate you and show you why you need to keep moving forward, quietly but assuredly. And do learn 'grey rock' and use it. There is nothing you need to say to him about the divorce, because he is not listening.

And you DO need to contact DV services and log with the police NOW, especially since he's started making threats. If they say his conduct has risen to non-mol order level, do it!

Thank you for sharing this.
I do anticipate that it could get like your situation. I have seen a different person in the past few weeks from the one I have known for years. He has said he is on a path to having nothing so he won’t have anything to worry about once he decides to take action.
I don’t know if he is just saying these things to frighten me and stop me from ending things or if he means it, but I’m not going to be complacent about it.
I really don’t understand why these men can’t see that the relationship is not a good and healthy relationship and they themselves would be better moving on and living a happy life.
I don’t even think he wants to be married to me anymore, it’s just about control and anger because it wasn’t him that made the decision to end things.

I don’t even think he wants to be married to me anymore, it’s just about control and anger because it wasn’t him that made the decision to end things

BINGO!!!

Sorry you're going through this, OP, it's really shit.

He's just trying to make things as difficult for you as he possibly can.

Presumably this is just in the spirit of your marriage, i.e. him forcibly minimizing your reality.

It won't go on for ever and one day, he might even adjust (once you are safely out of sight and he has no choice).

In the meantime, just grit your teeth and keep going.

@Livinginamaterialworld

I don’t even think he wants to be married to me anymore, it’s just about control and anger because it wasn’t him that made the decision to end things

I agree. But it can also partly be because of 'what he's losing'. Not the loss of you as a person, but the loss of his 'home comforts'. He's losing the person who cooks, cleans, minds his dc, keeps his life in order, AND walks on eggshells whilst she doing it. He knows he's going to have to start doing that shit for himself and he doesn't like it one bit.

I hope you made time to talk to the DV people today.

Yes, you are probably right. He has been repeatedly telling me about all the things I am giving up for no reason but I honestly don’t see that I am giving anything up except an overgrown man child who expects me to do everything for him whilst he sits on his lazy arse doing nothing. Obviously I will have to give up some financial stuff but that is my only concern.
I think he really means to say he is being forced to give up all the cushy things in life he has got used to.