Husband in denial

[Livinginamaterialworld]

So I told my husband that I want a divorce. This hasn’t been an easy decision. It has come after lots of years of being unhappy and walking around him on eggshells (although he says he is the one walking around on eggshells).
he has a bad temper and likes to shout at me and the kids and be controlling. So clearly neither of us are happy and I don’t think there is any point continuing down this road.
Husband accused me of giving up on the marriage too easily.
I made it very clear that rekindling anything was off the cards for me. We have already wasted years trying to make it work.
I thought I had got through to him.

neither of us can move out until we sell the house. So we are stuck living together, in a hostile situation.
But, my husband keeps talking about holidays and Christmas and those conversations seem to infer that we will be doing Christmas and holidays together. I can’t correct him
in front of the kids as we haven’t told them yet.

he doesn’t get it does he?
how do I make him realise that this is the end of the road and we have no future together?

@Livinginamaterialworld

I think he really means to say he is being forced to give up all the cushy things in life he has got used to.

Spot on, that's exactly right! And the only way he can think to 'make you stay' is try to make you think you stand to lose more than he does. But you know the truth.

Obviously I will have to give up some financial stuff but that is my only concern.

As long as you have enough to pay the bills and put food on the table, you're giving up nothing of real importance. Holidays, little 'luxuries', even that little financial 'breathing room' at the end of the month mean nothing compared to living in a peaceful and happy home.

And those things WILL come back given time. You'll most likely earn more as time goes on to allow for holidays and 'luxuries. But you'll also learn what is really important to you and you'll be content with what you can really afford. Because you know that being content with them is what's allowing you to 'be free'.

Actually I think if you're separated , even though in the same house, you can get UC top ups as though you're a lone parent. You should give the UC helpline a call.

Yes, you are right. I have been looking into this. I’m just waiting for the right time to apply for UC because there is enough anger and angst at the moment and this will be one more thing rocking the boat.

@Livinginamaterialworld yes. Its classic NPD who is losing their main source of supply. He built his identity and sense of worth around you, and now you are leaving, feels he has nothing. These are incredibly broken, insecure, low self confident people who need control, power, to assertain their worth to themselves and build this outter shell they can live with.
They fear what others will think, that their bad traits will be exposed. Mine never learned to adult as went from mum to me, and I made life increasingly easy and comfortable to him to keep peace. He would literally sit on sofa all day, not work and not help with anything at the house. Obviously doesn't start like that but we get hooked early on with the love, then kids come and we feel trapped with the weight of responsibility.
I'm rediscovering myself and love it. Honestly my life is 1000% better and I'm happy, except when I have to deal with him of course, but when he's out of sigh kids and I are much, much happier. Getting here was tough, I thought of giving up, like I couldn't stomach it and would just maybe have to live miserable for my life choices in my 20s, but stay strong, it's worth it. The road still challenging ahead but we deserve so much better.

I'm not sure how you applying for UC will involve him??

He won't need to know. Explain he is abusive, you have filed for divorce, you are living separated within the same house and you do nothing for each other.

We currently get a tiny amount of tax credits in a joint claim so that will stop.

You have literally described my life and my feelings. Honestly, I really hope that I can be including that last paragraph for myself in a years time.
I have gone back and forth so many times with wanting to leave and not having the strength to do so. Just settling back into an unhappy pattern because it feels easier.
yes, I am the main supply of everything. He has in recent months made a bit more effort with helping with the house and kids but nowhere near what would make it properly shared and equal responsibility and he has only started to make that effort when there was rumblings of me having had enough.
Dealing with him is never going to be easy or pleasant but I really hope I can achieve what you have and be happy at all times when I don’t need to have any contact with him.

Have you reported your situation to DV?

Have you contacted the non urgent police phone-line to explain?

Have you told your solicitor about your fear?

Apply for UC now. (Imo)

I assume the children are aware of the divorce, now?

No the children are not aware yet. They are quite young and won’t properly understand, especially as we are still living in the same house.
I don’t have a solicitor yet. I was hoping to just use a solicitor when we get to sorting out financial stuff and I’m trying to do the straightforward stuff myself to keep legal costs down as money is going to be very tight.

I'm glad it helped, for me it helped reading about others going through similar things and making it! I also did diy divorce and used very few ad.hoc secret solicitors sessions to confirm I was making the right moves. I had therapy for a short while and it also helped me see things for what they were. He also initially said he knew did wrong, begged for second chances, cried loads.. he told kids early on to get pity love from them and get them to pressure me into changing my mind. He also started briefly doing the dishes daily, always expecting a thank you, but when things didn't change he stopped again- said if I was alone as I wanted I'd be doing all myself anyway so what was the difference. When he got letter of divorce application he totally flipped so be weary of that. Being jealous and wanting to go through my phone to see if I was messaging other guys got him violent. They will try all strategies to get you to stay. I also thought about leaving for years but thought I'd never have the courage. You are doing the right thing. Sending you love and strength.

Ah! And reverse psychology REALLY works. If I wanted him out the house, all it took was for me to say I'd go and start looking for flats for him to say he wanted that instead. If I wanted him not to come to mine and not talk to me, all it took was for me to ask a lot to go to his, say I wanted to pop by, insist in talking, for him to say no and do exactly what I wanted. It's crazy, you need to try get into their brains and try to manipulate them instead. It doesn't come naturally for us but you'll learn 💪

Sorry just re read some of your threads and it reminded me of some more that worked for me.
I also slept on sofa for 1 year and even moved to his flat for 6 weeks as he wouldn't (wasn't up to his standards until I paid for loads of refurb), he only moved when his mattress arrived and I said it was great! 🙄
He wouldn't allow me to tell anyone about it and kept the facade for friends, we did go on trips together for the kids while on that horrible limbo, obv it was hell, so only when I started insisting on doing things together he said "would never" again, which is what I wanted...
It's hard for people who have never dealt with someone like this to understand why we put up with so much shit, but for me its the fear he might feel he really has nothing more to lose and escalate to an end point, if you know what I mean, so thread carefully, get support and know you'll have to be patient. I'd take a step at a time, literally list all I had to do but almost ignore further steps to focus on the next big thing first.

I have now contacted the non emergency police number. Thank you to those who insisted I did this. Sometimes it is hard to think about what you really need to do on these situations and it takes the insistence from others to push you in the right direction.

Wow @Livinginamaterialworld I feel like you have described my life 100%. It was only last week I finally got the courage to tell him we are done after giving him A LOT of chances. Apparently it's all my fault we've ended up like this, and he promptly took himself off for a day/night out, and then another couple of days/nights out again later in the week, then proceeded to lie on the sofa all day yesterday. He gave me all the "i'm not leaving this house, this is your choice, I love my children" etc, yet still continues in his usual vein of doing what he wants and leaving everything to me, as if that's all completely fine and normal. I will be following your thread for inspiration.

@Livinginamaterialworld

Think ahead about important documents you'll need to safeguard with trusted family or friends, eg: marriage certificate, your passport and that of your children, plus birth certificates. Ensure you take a photo of them too, with your smartphone, and email them to trusted people so the information is backed up and accessible when you need it.

If you can, get the child benefit paid into your own account if that's not already done as that will help towards your own NI contributions/State pension. And, further along, remember you can claim the 25% council tax rebate. You can claim that online.

It's good you don't share a joint bank account - I've read so often that a lot partner/husband clears out funds and leave the other person high and dry, often with children in the mix.

I do think you're being very brave taking the steps towards wards separating and divorce and a happier future. Stay safe. 🌹

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. I'm in the same situation. Separated for 2.5 years and living under same roof but he is refusing to put the house on the market so we can split permanently. Have 3 DC (17,17,21) who all live here and he keeps making plans like we're happy families. He's emotionally abusive, laughs when I leave a room, swings from being vaguely civil to vile abuse - he's a big drinker, slags me off to anyone who'll listen - kids, neighbours, pets! - hates me but refuses to leave or to sell. Tells kids this is all my doing, not his fault, and they are now taking his side. I'm at my wit's end. Divorce is in the process, but we need to do the financial order which he is dragging on. Cannot wait to be free of this nightmare.