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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He saying I'm being petty

46 replies

Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:17

Been together 17 years childhood sweethearts married for 7 years 2 children. This is 3rd time we have split up and this time (for me) it's it. I won't keep messing with my kids heads. Last time we got back together was because he threatened to k**l himself. But now its gotten worse. He says everyone he's told the reason why we have split they think im being petty and he thinks so too. And i wont get a better man than him.
Just to name a few things (or I would be here all day) he's moody 24/7, I walk on eggshells everyday. He's lost two businesses due to laziness and burnt his bridges with a lot of people last time he didn't even tell me he had lost his main contract meaning he basically lost his job. And due to this he's in 10s of thousands of debt. He was getting parking tickets literally every day because he couldn't be bothered paying for a ticket and then didn't pay the fines which resulted in £1000s all in my name because its my car. Anytime i asked him to do anything in the house he would say no. I work full time and i do everything in the house cooking washing etc. I've had bailiffs come into my home and I've had to pay them everything I have so not to take my belongings. When he drinks he goes missing until the next day doesn't tell me where he is and drug use. although this stopped from last time.
And recently I've had non stop messages everyday saying how bad I am and he stopped speaking to me because I missed a call from him and then he watches when I'm online on social media or whatsapp. I've had enough Theres a lot more over the years. But ultimately its not the life I want anymore. I've got 2 kids to think of and the Wreckless behaviour is going to affect me and them. He is saying if I meet anyone else he will go to jail for his actions. And if I can't be with him I can't be with anyone ever. How do I stop this behaviour? And make him realise its over and he needs to stop with these silly comments.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/08/2023 09:19

You need to stop letting him blackmail you. Cast him out and lock the door behind him. What happens is his problem.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:21

@DustyLee123 the thing is one minute he says I deserve better and he will let me go. And now he's gone he's saying he thinks I've thrown it all away over nothing and everyone agrees (not sure who everyone is) but he obviously has left a lot of details out if they think it's not a good reason to split. I'm still allowing him to use my car for work because he hasn't got one/ can't get one. So I'm scared if I don't keep on his good side he will do something to it its in my name so any damage I'm liable for.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 04/08/2023 09:22

It sounds like he is threatening you? Is this in writing? If so, keep them for now. I would consider reporting to the police.

CiderJolly · 04/08/2023 09:23

My abusive ex used to frequently tell me what ‘everyone’ thought of me too. Likely bullshit- just ignore all that.

DustyLee123 · 04/08/2023 09:23

You’re a Fool for letting him use the car. You said earlier that he’s getting tickets in your name, so this will just add to the debt. You need to break free.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:24

@CiderJolly it's all on WhatsApp I keep all messages. I don't retaliate I just tell him to stop being silly.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/08/2023 09:25

And now he's gone he's saying he thinks I've thrown it all away over nothing and everyone agrees (not sure who everyone is)

Standard tactic. 'Everyone' thinks you're wrong (aka 'I asked a mate when we were in the pub.')

Who cares what this mythical 'everyone' thinks? 'everyone's' always got an opinion and oddly enough it always backs the speaker up. Funny that.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:26

@DustyLee123 the car goes back to the lease company next month so it isn't for long then he's on his own. He hasn't done the ticket thing since last time we split where he works now doesnt require getting one so that bit should be OK. I just hope he doesn't damage it in retaliation to me. I'm trying to be nice for now.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/08/2023 09:27

No, op,no you're not being petty.

This is a horrible horrible person who you need to get as far away as possible from as quickly as possible.

GrumpyOldCrone · 04/08/2023 09:27

Do not engage with him, at all, about anything except the practicalities of the separation. Set up a new email account that is only for contact with him, where you can discuss financial arrangements and contact with the children etc. Block him on absolutely everything else.

He is going to keep trying to bully and manipulate you. Don’t expect him to see reason, or see your point of view. You can’t change him, but you can change how you react to him.

Decide that it doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re being ‘petty’ or anything else. He’s dishonest, disrespectful, and unpleasant - so why should you care what he thinks or says? He isn’t the person you thought he was.

It all sounds really hard. But the sooner you stop engaging with him the sooner you can get your life back on track.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:28

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain yeh he was in the pub last night and that's when I got the message. Even though at first he said he hasn't said anything to anyone. I don't really care what anyone else thinks. At the end of the day even if he was perfect its my choice if I don't want to be with someone. It's the fact that he now truly believes it himself - crazy!

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 04/08/2023 09:28

If everyone thinks he is so fine then surely now they are welcome to him?

Don't let him keep doing this to you.

blacknredsweeties · 04/08/2023 09:28

DustyLee123 · 04/08/2023 09:23

You’re a Fool for letting him use the car. You said earlier that he’s getting tickets in your name, so this will just add to the debt. You need to break free.

Nice. How can she stop him?

Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2023 09:32

Call womens aid for support. Do the freedom programme

If he threatens suicide call the police to do a welfare check.

Get a cheap phone just got him and turn it on once a day at most.

Start the divorce process. He is a selfish fool who will only drag you down.

You are not petty you are smart and absolutely doing the right thing. Never doubt that.

VinEtFromage · 04/08/2023 09:33

Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:26

@DustyLee123 the car goes back to the lease company next month so it isn't for long then he's on his own. He hasn't done the ticket thing since last time we split where he works now doesnt require getting one so that bit should be OK. I just hope he doesn't damage it in retaliation to me. I'm trying to be nice for now.

@Mumfirst2 well done for puttin you & your kids first now. Don't let him talk you around.

about the car, I'd get it back. Use it myself or return it to the lease company. He could total it, even by accident. The police would probably help you.

oh & tell him that if he told the truth about why you're fine with him, no one with en a single brain cell would think you'd 'thrown it all away' is he sure they didn't say 'you'd taken out the trash'. Ignore his bullshit.

mostly threats of suicide if someone else leaves is just BS, but if he was to, that's his decision, not your doing!!

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:35

@Rainbowqueeen thank you, I have no reason to stay I'm not financially dependent on him if anything he is on me at the moment. He can't find a permanent place to live due to his credit. So I think maybe its a tactic to get back with me but he's saying I'm damaging the kids by throwing it all away. But I'm a better mum without him as his moods put me in a mood with my kids all the time

OP posts:
Countrymiles · 04/08/2023 09:35

Call Women’s Aid. This is abuse. You can apply for a non-molestation order to stop him harassing you. Women’s Aid can put you in touch with solicitors. You can get legal aid where DV is involved in divorce.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:37

@VinEtFromage I know most people who do comit suicide tell no one. But the threat was enough to scare me and I took him back for my kids sake. I couldn't live with myself. But now he's saying I can never ever move on if I don't have him i have no one. I'm 31 so I'm still young but he says i have to be alone forever or he will go to jail for his actions.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2023 09:39

@Mumfirst2 of course you are. There’s no doubt in my mind that you are an amazing woman who is capable of amazing things.

He is not your problem. He is an adult. He can find someone else to leech off. You deserve peace calm and tranquility. Go get it. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:40

@Rainbowqueeen thank you

OP posts:
TheCrystalPalace · 04/08/2023 09:42

Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:37

@VinEtFromage I know most people who do comit suicide tell no one. But the threat was enough to scare me and I took him back for my kids sake. I couldn't live with myself. But now he's saying I can never ever move on if I don't have him i have no one. I'm 31 so I'm still young but he says i have to be alone forever or he will go to jail for his actions.

Whilst this is no reason to take him back (in fact, it's even more of a reason to get shot of him), I think you should make this known to those around you that he has been making such threats.
Not sure if there's any formal route you can take - others might know better than me - but you need to protect yourself as best you can.

Slothlikemum · 04/08/2023 09:45

Screenshot any relevant messages with that's in them in case he deletes them from your chat

Original poster
Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:45

@TheCrystalPalace most people know of his threats of suicide as he told them he felt suicidal over it. I told him maybe he needs to speak to a Councillor if he feels that bad..he hasn't. I know it isn't a reason to stay but I thought if I stay he might change but my love for him went away and it obviously showed because all i ever got was you're not loving enough you're not trying to make this work. And yes I am guilty for that but it's because I got back together out of fear not love.

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 04/08/2023 09:48

Mumfirst2 · 04/08/2023 09:24

@CiderJolly it's all on WhatsApp I keep all messages. I don't retaliate I just tell him to stop being silly.

Make sure you back up all those messages or take a screenshot of the pertinent messages as I found out it's fairly easy for someone to delete their sent whatsapps way after the time limit.

Good for you for deciding enough is enough while you are still young and before he drags you down anymore.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/08/2023 09:49

So what if he kills himself? Your not a one woman suicide prevention service.

They never bloody do it either, they hang around for years being useless instead.

One of my childhood neighbours had two bf kill themself, no one blamed her for it.